Coming out as... an Atheist in Musings

Christianity is in my DNA. My dad comes from generations of good church going folks. His brother became a preacher. My mom is one of those rare non rebellious pastor’s kids. Her brother also became a preacher. So if you’re keeping count that’s 3 pastors in my family. And that’s not counting cousins and other more distant relatives.

My parents met at seminary. Which if you don’t know is basically grad school for those wanting to become ministers of some sort. My dad never actually became an official minister. But he’s been a deacon and Bible teacher in every church he’s attended. My mom dedicated her whole professional life to Christianity in one way or another. She wrote for Christian publications. She was minister of missions at our church for a decade. She now works for a Christian non profit that helps victims of human trafficking

Christianity was a part of my life growing up mostly in that we were at church any time the doors were open. And sometimes even when it wasn’t as my mom worked there and had keys. Praying and Bible reading was supposed to happen at home daily though I will say we didn’t do it as a family as much as the church encouraged. I do distinctly remember my mom reading my brother and I Bible stories as bed time stories and almost every really early memory involves the church or friends we made there.

At the age of 7, I “asked Jesus into my heart” which is Christian speak to mean that I was now choosing for myself to follow Jesus. I was baptized and thus began my own journey into Christianity. I had my rebellious moments, but for the most part I was the model Christian good girl. I was known at school for it. I wasn’t an outspoken Bible thumper but people knew they could come to me for Christianity related questions and boys knew not to expect anything more than kissing from me.

I went to Christian college and majored in children’s ministry. My whole life was engulfed in Bible classes, house church (which is exactly what it sounds like—people meeting at someone’s house to study the Bible and fellowship), and we were even required to attend chapel at least once a week. And yet I remember that not being enough for my grandma. She chastised me constantly for not having an official church I was a member of.

Despite being surrounded by the Bible and experiencing the best feeling of community (or fellowship is Christian speak) I did have my doubts at the time. I was in an emotionally abusive relationship (with a man who is now a minister by the way). I even had sex with that boyfriend. I should have felt shame and guilt because of it but at that point in time I didn’t feel much of anything but burn out.

My faith was somewhat reignited when I met my husband at (you guessed it) church. I credited God for me finally breaking things off with the abusive asshole and bringing Nathan into my life. He was also raised in a Christian household. Albeit his parents don’t go back as many generations. His dad was born from an accidental teenage pregnancy. But his grandma dedicated her life to God after becoming a mother. His grandpa took a little longer but God is credited from turning him from an angry borderline abusive father into a kind and loving one. Nathan’s dad grew up to dedicate his career to ministry as well.

Our church attendance as a married couple was spotty at best. We had already decided that we didn’t want to be there constantly the way we both grew up. After having kids I felt the guilt about not raising our kids up in the fellowship of a church. So after 3 failed attempts to find a place to belong we joined the same church my parents attend. There have been some good times in past 3 years. Some nice people. But for the most part it began to feel like I was always the one reaching out to others and it was rarely reciprocated.

But it was more than that. A year ago I began to feel some major discontentment. Not just with church but with Jesus. I have been studying a lot about cults. And the similarities have been too much to ignore. What if Jesus was the original cult leader. A charismatic man with the ability to grow a following. Manipulating people who he were already vulnerable. The thought hasn’t been able to leave my head. Yes the things recorded about Jesus were painted in a very positive light. But of course that’s what his followers wanted out in the world.

I don’t know the truth. And my whole life that’s where faith as stepped in. The Bible tells you to believe not by faith and not but by sight. Despite raising me in Christianity, my parents also raised me to have a healthy dose of skepticism and to use logic and not just feelings when making decisions. And it’s now that skepticism which leaves me with more questions than answers.

So that’s where I’m at now. Nathan and I have discussed all this. He’s more on the side of “I hate church and religion but still believe the Bible” (though admittedly he doesn’t really live by its teachings) But we have agreed to stop attending church. I told my mom this week that we wouldn’t be back. It was one of the hardest things to do. She’s disappointed of course. But still loves me.

I’m not quite ready to come out as an atheist to her or any member of my family. And honestly atheist is probably too strong a word. I still believe in a higher power. God, if you will. But I don’t think I believe in the God of the Bible anymore.

I honestly don’t know what this means for the future. It’s funny because it honestly doesn’t really change my day to day life but it somehow changes everything. The biggest thing is I don’t know what we are going to do about the kids. Alex is young enough to not really know much. But Leah has been asking a lot of big questions. And I don’t really know what to tell her. I guess I will figure it out in time.

It’s been a slow burn. I do feel a loss though. It feels like I lost a relationship. And I guess I have in a way. I sometime feel a little bitter for having “wasted” 33 years of my life on something I don’t even believe in anymore. But I wouldn’t have met Nathan. Or had the girls. Or have the life I do now. So for now I’m thankful. And a bit relieved after writing this.

Please share your experiences or any advice you have for me. I’m still dealing with some guilt and confusion. Thanks for reading this and letting me put my story out there. There is so much more so I’ll probably be updating as things come to me as I’m not ready to talk about it with most anyone else.