Then comes peace in Bittersweet

When you arrive at a hurtful decision. It makes you cry and rage and bawl…
And unexpectedly peace comes. Its in a way like a weight is lifted. I dont have to wake up and cringe sometimes because i dont know if my friend was going to be manic or depressed or stable. Was she going to be threatening to kill herself or just fine. I talked her through all the ups and downs. But my one struggle over the last few weeks was too much for her. And that was ok. Because her health is really up and down as it is. I think sometimes while being able to talk to someone who is depressed can help you, because they understand. But it also really hurts, because if you are feeling good and they arent. Its hard to talk to them. Almost like you bring one another down.
Im bipolar type 2. Yesterday i went manic. I thought that is what it was. All the stress. And i couldent stop shaking. I wasnt as active as some of my episodes. I didnt sleep much and couldent stop shaking. I realized after a while with my heart racing and a few other things that i was manic. Something that my mini mania episodes bring, is acceptance and this almost floating even feeling after i come down. Sometimes i plummet into depression right away. But today im feeling the floating peace. Acceptance.

This feeling is when i can think and process things best. Today my dog is recovering well from her dog fight injury. Shes being active and i think i need to find a vet to remove her drains. she still has bleeding but i think its from her scratching them.

I lost two rabbits yesterday, we thought dog, but the more we talked we thought maybe racoon. I was heartbroken over it. I got them secured in their pens for the night and i didnt loose any this past night. Acceptance… I lost two buns, two i loved… I need to figure out a solution… I have a foster, 2 hours north. Or i can try to figure out a cage for them here. Some kind of cage in a cage idea?

We are settling into a routine i think. I get up earlier here then i did before. Around 7. My normal wake up times is more like 11 haha. Not a morning person. I get up, spend some time on the computer drinking my morning tea. Kids slowly get up. Around 9 ill make sure they are all awake. Let dogs in and out. Pen dogs who cant interact with the other half of the pack yet. we are still working on integrating together. Give my weenie her meds. Instruct kids on their school programs. Usually while i do some knitting. Run to the store for whatever a house of 15 has run out of today ( plus 5 dogs and now only 5 rabbits) Plus get whatever we need for dinner. Keep an eye on grandpa, he is slowly loosing his mind a bit. Keep the peace with kids. Research field trip options for all 7 kids haha. Lunch. Home ec ( IE chores/dinner prep) Maybe teach a kid a knit stich or something. Clean the house up before my mother gets home, have dinner done. End the evening with more knitting time or computer chat time. Watch a bit of tv. Read some books. I mean its generalized. But its getting into a routine.

Our lives dont have any semblance of what we had before. Things are so different. I feel so much guilt if im not cleaning the house. Its not my house, we are invading. And i feel awful when i get up and realize the kids left stuff on the floor that i didnt get picked up. Adjustments right? Im not a natural ” cleaner” i have to force it. But progress of some kind comes in baby steps.