This Knight's Tale - Pt. 2 in Ultimate Randomness

This will hopefully be a brief entry because I am sure if anyone has been reading my diary lately, they have had quite a bit of reading material. I'm pretty sure this has been the most writing I have done in a week ever. Honestly, I hope someone has been reading at least some of what I have written. It makes me wish there was some way to know who has been reading, if anyone. Please, feel free to drop a short note if you have, just to let me know you are all out there. Especially if you have read either of my entries in the Writing book. It is the restart of a story I started working on after my last breakup and my hope is to turn it into a book one day and get published. I don't know if my writing is good enough, but I have had some good reviews from the few people I have asked to read it. Of course, they know me and so it is hard to say whether or not they are just being nice. Anyhow, on with my purpose for writing tonight. Once again, I am watching A Knight's Tale. Great movie, good for all ages and it has something for everyone: humor, action, romance, friendship...Yeah, I babble. But there was another scene that caught my attention tonight. In the scene prior to the one's mentioned in my previous entry of the same name, William and his friends are composing a letter to Joselyn to convince her to come to see him at the jousting tournament in Paris. This convincing is necessary because he insulted her the last time he saw her, but he was frustrated about something else, and in their time apart, he has missed her dearly. So the five of them sit around and contribute thoughts or feelings they have had in previous relationships to include in the letter. His friend Roland contributes a part about how this one woman broke his heart into pieces so small that they could fit through the eye of a needle. Wat talks about a woman who was a cook for a Duke who he missed "like the sun misses the flower in winter." They all take turns contributing to the letter which Wat ends up bringing to Joselyn. Joselyn sends Wat back with a message and a token, which William asks for only to receive a kiss from Wat. The implication that Joselyn sent the kiss to William. Duh, right? Now, I could go two ways with this entry at this point. I could go on and write about all the things I long to do and to say to my wife who is not really my wife anymore. And there are alot of both, both good and bad...at least as far as the saying stuff goes. I'm sure the stuff I want to do could all be perceived as positive (unless it is something one person or another would not be into that someone else would that is). To say my thoughts and feelings are colorful would be like saying the universe is big...that is, a dramatic understatement. But for the fact that anyone can read this, I will refrain from that and leave it in my head. Now, if anyone really really wanted to know those fantasies, feel free to ask, but I doubt I will get much call for that. So that leaves the other direction I can go in...romantic. The fact is, while I do still have all these feelings for my wife, I know that relationship will never come back. I have to live with that, but I can do it. The hard part would be finding the person that would understand that she is also my best friend and, as such, if she were to call me at 2 AM and needed to talk, I would be up talking to her. And it is because of our history together. Finding a woman who could be secure enough with herself and our relationship, trusting enough to know I would never betray her, and loving enough to give as much of herself as I am willing to give of myself would be difficult at best. But one thing I do know is that if I ever found this person, the female version of myself, and she wanted me, she would have me and my love forever. And my friendship with my soon to be ex would not challenge that fact at all. If I ever found that woman, or if she found me, there is no length I wouldn't go to to prove it to her every day. Little love notes, flowers, loving words, touches and kisses, anything to prove my love to her every day. If all of my writing has proven nothing else, I would hope that it would have proven how, when I am in love, it never truly lessens and instead grows greater every day. I hope it has come across that I am loyal beyond reason. And above all, I wish to be all things for the person I love: lover, best friend, provider...The woman who could see that and could understand all of the best and worst of me and above all, wanted me, would have my heart and soul. A piece of me would always be with the woman who has been my best friend for 17 years. That is fact and anyone who says they don't have a piece of all the people they loved in their hearts is either doesn't have one or is lying. But the woman who would love me and understand the person I am would have me. I may go do my own thing with friends, but I would always be faithful, and every night, I would come home to her. And I can guarantee that person that if she took the time to look in my eyes, she would know that nobody else would ever get that look from me. The want, the desire for her. The need for her in all ways. Frankly, I know it is alot to expect from a person, but all I am really asking for is a person who really understands me and wants me. If those two things are present, she would know what other people don't seem to understand when I explain the situation to them: that no matter what I may feel at this moment and no matter that I am friends with the ex, I would be hers forever and nothing would change that. And a woman who can't understand that does not understand who I am and, even if it means my happiness, I will not settle for being with someone who is jealous because it means she has no wish to know or understand the person I am and obviously does not trust me. But the person who would give me her understanding and trust and love and desire would get a man who would sacrifice himself for her and would find a way to make sure she knew she was loved every day. I thought that I was that person with my wife, but my depression got in the way. I think both of us realize that now and wish it had been addressed. It changes nothing between us now unfortunately, but I think at least now she is starting to realize somewhat that it wasn't that I didn't love her or find her attractive and sexy as hell, but that I could not show her how I truly felt because my depression was holding me back. Anyway, this ended up being alot longer than I had originally intended, but I hope I got my point across. My soon to be ex will always be my friend but it will never change that she who desires me and treats me right will have everything of me from the moment we meet until forever. Simple to say but hard to find. I wish I could be more optimistic, but I know how hard it will be for any woman to accept all the parts of who I am. But the woman that can...well, there are alot of ways I can show her how much that means to me. :)