The first line is the title in Book Six: Trying to Hold On 2019

Let’s call this a drunkard’s lament.

This will be a very quick, very raw entry.

I would apologize as I tend to attempt (for the most part) a kind of professional decorum here.

But some things are beyond logic. Some things are beyond thought. Some things are emotional.

As a fun recap: I’m the Domestic Violence and Child attorney for this county. Therefore, if it is a nightmare in your heart= it is likely my every day. Worried that your sister’s husband is trying to kill her? That was my Thursday. Worried that your babysitter is molesting your daughter? That was my Tuesday. Worried that your methed out neighbors are starving their 6 year old to use that money for more drugs? I call it Monday. This is my reality. Whereas most people spend their lives praying that they won’t be affected by crime… my entire life is affected by crime.

I’m not bitching about the job, by the way. My father and I discussed the matter recently. He’s one of the only people in the world where I always feel a need to explain myself. So when HE says something like “I could never do what you’re doing.” I can’t respond to that with my usual stiff upper lip and nod. I have to say something. And what did I say? The truth. The reality is that this world is 100% full of people who wouldn’t want to deal with what I see every day. And that’s a positive. But I can. I’m capable of dealing with it. So… I walk forward with one thing repeating in my heart:

IF NOT ME, THEN WHO?

Because THAT is reality. I just went through a 4 day trial about little girls being repeatedly sexually abused by someone they respected and cared about. I had to try to understand, and get others to understand, that these girls were so… deeply impacted by their abuse… that they refused to say anything or indicate because they felt that THEY were bad, that THEY did something wrong, and worse? They felt (accurately so) that if they disclosed, they would (a) subject themselves to emotional torture at the hands of The Law; and (b) break up their family. These are things that happened. And God Bless these girls. They were brave and they were strong and they gave their testimony and got a conviction. I don’t take ANY credit for that. I don’t give my first chair ANY credit for that. We may deserve some because of the work we did; but at the end fo the day… ALL credit goes to those brave little girls that were able to say “No more. This stops NOW.” That is my professional life. That is what I dedicate 9 hours (or so) of almost every day to. And… I can do that. It takes a lot out of me… but that is SPOON THEORY “a lot out of me.” That isn’t “Cry myself to sleep at night.” And, without judgment, I know people like that. Attorneys who got into this business to make a difference but they deal with such horrid shit that they cry themselves to sleep at night. I’m not that guy. I’m the guy that thinks about Champions. Seriously, I may make it my epitaph but We live as though the world were as it should be, to show it what it can be.

But after exhausting days dealing with the absolute horror of man? I come home. And Wife apologizes for the fact that she didn’t do anything around the house and didn’t play with the dog because “she’s focusing on homework.” So… I have a dog to love on and spend more energy on. I have a house that needs attention and requires me to spend more energy on. And a marriage that… honestly… but for TWO THINGS would be perfect. But those TWO THINGS aren’t like.... we prefer different movies and foods. The two things are SEX and SUPPORT. Which… seem fairly important.

And here’s a painful truth: I am drinking a LOT MORE than I should. I’ll own that! But at the same time… pretty fucking obvious why that might be!! Like always however, Wife doesn’t appreciate or understand THE ISSUE but focuses on THE SYMPTOM. She’s upset with how much I’m drinking. And, all things being equal, she would be correct. But the issue here?? She is a large reason WHY I’ve turned more to drink. Seriously. You husband spends 8 hours a day dealing with the absolute SCUM of humanity… and when he comes home… you want him to cook, clean, and take care of you in exchange for.... the privilege of sleeping next to you? FUCK. THAT. We’ve been married for approximately 100 months. We’ve only had sex about 25 times in that entire marriage. NOT KIDDING. And judge me as harshly as you want to… I know some people consider my focus on sex to be “offensive” or “brutish” or “misogyny” or whatever. But frankly? I’m a healthy sexual cis-male. 25 times in more than 8 years?! You really think I’m “irrational” for being upset about that? And just to be clear… my Wife absolutely refuses hand jobs and blow jobs. And is passionately against a Poly situation. So the only sexual release that is “acceptable” for this household is either Missionary Sex with Wife or Masturbation. And frankly, I’m fucking tired of masturbation.

Now I know. I know. There are people who have been reading me since 2014 screaming “Just divorce her already!!” But here is the funny, weird, strange, bullshit thing. EVEN MY INDIVIDUAL THERAPIST is making the argument that I give wife more time. So, at least in my “legitimate therapy” and my “couples therapy” (legitimate used not to bad mouth couple’s therapy but to differentiate it from, say, Journal Therapy)… I’m being told to give Wife more chances, give her more time, appreciate the small steps she’s taking.

But seriously… hand to God? Sleeping naked next to a woman who promised to God, her family, my family, and our friends that she would “Love honor and cherish” every night for 8 months and not even getting so much as an open-mouthed kiss? MOTHER FUCKER that is upsetting.