Brain Things in What's Happening

I may have had what might be considered somewhat of an epiphany today.

Another day of not being very productive has left me continuing to ponder: What has gotten into me?

The past month and a half I just can’t seem to “Get it together”. I find myself feeling ashamed of how lazy I am. I even text some of my friends and ask them what they are doing with hopes that they are being as lazy as I am. A lot of times they are. It doesn’t make me feel too much better because deep down I realize it’s still out of character for me.

My epiphany seems so obvious: I’ve just been through a lot of stuff in a short period of time.

I lost my job and broke up with a girl I was seeing only weeks apart from each other. Around this time I’ve cut out a lot of people from my life that I felt weren’t good for me. I even feel like I was cut out of other peoples lives who probably thought I wasn’t good for them; all typical life stuff that everyone experiences. It was just a lot of it in a short period of time.

I think my problem is I don’t take enough time to deal with things like this on an emotional level. I do experience emotions about situations like these, but once I realize a situation is out of my control I feel like a robot that is programed only to focus on the things I can fix and keep moving forward.

I wonder if a deeper part of me is under some kind of stress and I’m just having trouble recognizing it.

I know it sounds silly that someone could be so indifferent to the negative stuff in their life that it would take an “epiphany” for them to recognize it as the root source of their mood changes, but that’s kinda how my brain works. I think it’s a coping mechanism.

Even last week when I ran over a piece of metal outside my new apartment and put a giant hole in my tire on my way to work , I didn’t realize how chill I was about it until my roommate who saw it happen started trying to convince me why I should be mad.

He kept saying: “You’re good person! Stuff like that is only supposed to happen to bad people.”

Which was nice of him to say, but it really made me think: Shouldn’t I be the one thinking this–about myself? I wasn’t though.

I could speculate about this topic until the cows come home. Ultimately I’m just eager to get out of my slump.