Apparently, I need more Fluff. in Journal

My therapist told me to use more fluff- as in emotional reasoning to connect- to dampen my communicative approach.
Which is completely frustrating.
You don’t reason with emotions, first of all. They just are. And anyway, how I feel or what emotion is brought up has almost zero relevance. Emotions, to me anyway, are just informative; kind of like an engine warning light is informative. They tell me something’s wrong, or something is right, or to dig deeper… etc.
I guess that maybe what she’s getting at is that I need to at least express the ‘why’ and the ‘how’ behind my thinking… which includes emotion. It is just so strange to me that it might be relevant or interesting to anyone. Yet I do kind of see where the connection aspect would be missing if I didn’t share at least something.

She also said I need to share about my experiences more. uh, Yuck. lol

I guess I shouldn’t laugh. It’s just very difficult and brings me some anxiety to bring stuff up about myself.
Even if there is a legitimate reason to bring stuff up… like the fact that I’m having a baby. It literally took me to 4.5 months to tell my best friend. Before you ask she lives 18 hours away so we don’t actually see each other. And even when I did tell her it was more because I was scared and ashamed of how long it had gone that I hadn’t mentioned it, and I was more motivated by the fact that if she found out from someone else first she’d be heartbroken.

She was overjoyed and happy for me, of course. I knew she would be. But it sort of didn’t really matter… Very hard to explain. Sort of like playing Russian Roulette. I didn’t get a bullet that time, but it only means the loaded chamber is one closer.

I just can’t shake this feeling. This feeling of being absolutely terrified and also ashamed of really having to say anything at all. Why would I need to say anything? And the anticipation of having to defend myself against whatever questioning or disbelief there might be.

My therapist did say some things that made me feel sort of better. My letter to my brother was good, she said, but it needed more emotion. Well. Yeah, I get that… but I don’t exactly have access to that atm, kthanks.
She also said how my mom was growing up wasn’t because of ME, it was because of HER. I’ve always understood that too, because I was always just kind of an empty vessel. I could’ve been anyone. Anyone at all. I imagine that I were to become else, she wouldn’t notice.