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I’ve been feeling a lot about my career, the rest of my life, and there’s a lot of fear of failure in my thoughts. I don’t prefer to work for someone else, but I do enjoy my job. Ideally, I work for myself or a company I have built because I think time and life is precious. I pride myself on how hard I work, but I feel ridiculous dedicating significant time and effort to profits that go to someone else. I do have a decent salary, and I want to double it in the next few years. I am afraid of being stagnant, and I am afraid of not ever doing something new or different or enough in order to break out of my career path and push myself further into the trajectory I have. I need to take more time to work on building my professional skills when I can.

I have also taken more time to my hobbies and getting more active. I am happy about this, as I want to have optimal health. I do recognize that I could be taking the time from my hobbies to build myself further professionally, but I think it’s a healthy balance to enjoy my personal time productively and in a healthy way. With this being said, I do have little time outside of work and gym/dance classes to do more with my life. Regardless, I still really enjoy dating. sigh

I want to be intensely focused on myself, whether it’s my career or my health. I still do have some time leftover, and I crave companionship. At my job and where I go to the gym or to dance classes, I am making friends allover. I do get great social interaction all the time, but I do want a romantic interaction as well.

Over a month ago, I ended an 8 month relationship because my bf at the time was not very invested in our relationship. I’m happy that occurred because we weren’t a great match. Now, I do have cravings to find a handsome, funny, successful man to excite me. I can excite myself but I deeply love the feeling of intimacy.

The two professional and romantic desires feel like they work against each other at times. I want to continue dating people casually, while respecting my scheduled hobbies/me time. Along with this, I want to respect myself while dating by having real interactions with people, developing some feelings, yet not overwhelming feelings that cause me to be dependent and too excited for any interaction with this person.. Essentially, I want to feel fully independent and capable without a counterpart. I will only settle for someone that will strengthen me towards my goals, rather than make me feel like I’m being distracted by sex. I’m writing this to feel accountable and not get distracted by handsome men.

Last updated October 22, 2019