You Can't Push It Under Ground in Book Six: Trying to Hold On 2019

Time is running out.

After a hell of a week last week and a hell of a week in front of me, on Friday morning I woke up and decided “Nope.” Not going to be “awake.” So I slept through most of Friday and Saturday. Woke up on Sunday and did as much as I could manage. Made a 4 serving breakfast, cleaned up some of the basement… but Wife stopped me because she wanted to go through the boxes. Oookay. The boxes that have just been sitting down here strewn about the tables for the last 8 months? SURE. Glad to see the “I’m moving these boxes” is when you finally decide to look through them. Then went to play practice. Met Co-Star’s man, husband I think. Honestly, the guy looks like a douche. That isn’t MRA/Incel/Nice Guy statement coming out. I mean between the hair (color and cut) and mustache.... and the fact that he just sort of walked around and interrupted rehearsal with his presence… that made me think he looks like a douche. Also, I must admit, it didn’t help that despite my co-star being probably 5‘4, he is easily 6‘2. Not that it matters. Just… in this world, it is apparently still a thing. I heard it in High School… I heard it in College… I hear it on Dating Apps… there is a significant and strong bias against men under 6 feet and it pisses me off.

Anyway… after play practice, Wife and I walked the dog. Then I called my parents. WOW! Apparently it had been a month since I’d last spoken to my parents. While that may be nothing to some, that is a long time for me. It was a good conversation. Mom and Dad telling me that my love and heart for service is appreciated. Telling me that they would NEVER encourage me to get divorced but are accepting if that is the direction things go. Telling me that I have really proved my heart in this life lately. It was… kind of rough, actually. Because I hear what they are saying. They are saying, “You’ve done everything you can. Now you have to wait. And after whatever amount of waiting you think is appropriate, you have a decision to make.” That and they told me that neither one of them will be coming to my house warming party. So… of the 20 people I invited… my parents can’t come, none of my DnD friends can come… so the guest list is MBFITWW, a friend from high-school and her husband and child, possibly my brother and sister-in-law and niece, and Wife’s parents and her mom’st friend. So whether it is fair to say or not… I’m not looking forward to this party as much as I otherwise would. I mean… 7 of the people I most wanted to come, aren’t. I just… I’m worried the whole damned thing is going to be a bust now.

So after that news, I went back upstairs and decided… I didn’t WANT to cook another meal. Wife spends all of her time doing homework or watching movies or playing games on her tablet. So I basically said, I wasn’t going to cook the spaghetti. And I waited. Until I got hungry at about 8:00. And finally said, “Okay, I’ll go cook a skillet meal!” So I went and cooked the dinner. URGH.

One thing my Dad suggested: Wife lacks the ability to perceive what is going on around her. She doesn’t see a need and act. She simply exists. Thus, specific, direct, articulated requests may work best. Instead of being upset that she never helps, I should specifically ask her to do something. I’ll try that this week. See if I can’t see some positive change.

Because hand to CHRIST, between my jury trial and play practice this week? If I also have to be responsible for cleaning the house and cooking dinners and everything else? I mean… fuck sake. I had 7 hearings today. 4 of them involving little children abused by drug addicted parents; 3 of them involving children molesting, raping or otherwise sexually assaulting other children. That is just TODAY. AND that is just the hearings. That doesn’t include the 4 voicemails waiting for me after the hearings or the 9 e-mails I need to return before leaving work today. Then after leaving work, I need to run lines somehow because today is deadline for all of Act 1 Off Book. Then play practice. So I won’t even be back home until 8:00 tonight. So cooking dinner and cleaning the house really CAN’T fall squarely on my shoulders.

And the week continues that way. Tuesday and Friday will be the only two days of any kind of “breather” and it isn’t much of one. SO… lets hope I can get Wife on board with the cooking food and helping clean train. I’ll worry about the “path of celibacy” concerns later. Though… I certainly have a lot of notes already for that counseling session.