So I'm Told... in Journal

I did start therapy. At first I didn’t know exactly why I’d started it, but I’ve quickly realized I have massive emotional dissociation or disconnect.
“To put it simply, emotional dissociation is the unconscious suppression of or distancing from one’s emotions”
I can tell my therapist is frustrated with me. It makes me feel pretty defensive. She keeps expressing how difficult it is to get any emotional reaction out of me. Then she’d quip, “But I guess that’s why you’re here.”
-Mmmmhmmmm.
I feel defensive because she’ll say that and then ask open ended questions like “Is there anything else you’d like to address today?”
-Wtf. No. I’d just like to leave now, kthanks.
Then I leave feeling pretty put out. Like I yet again missed out on something. Something that is literally right there, staring me in the face and even asking me to just look at it. Just notice that it’s there. But I can’t see it. I know it’s there… an unnamed something that is invisible and unknown. Something that is probably pretty great.
The thing is. I know she’s good. I got in with her by sheer luck but she specializes in Attachment Disorders, which I told her is what I suspected from my own research. So I don’t want to quit… I just feel like I have to keep grinding it out doing what I’m doing to be able to sit there. And am I not there to learn how to not suppress emotion?
She did give me encouragement to do something that I’ve felt like I need to do for a long time now. Which is to say, to apologize and reconcile with my brother.
He’s pretty much a stranger whom I see at family gatherings. Intellectually, I know that isn’t right. But. I didn’t know what I was supposed to do about it.
So. I guess. It’s mostly good.

Last updated October 15, 2019