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Everything that I want in life is attainable. All I have to do is work for it. I have to grind. I spent half of this year unemployed because I don’t know how to face it. I don’t know what is holding me back. Is it that I can’t let go of my last job? The one I hated with all of my heart? It was everything I knew and I was comfortable. Or am I just afraid of the future? The unknown? I’m freaked out and I don’t even know what it is that I am so afraid of. I know what I need to do and I am going to have to eventually do it and I don’t understand why I can’t handle the pressure. I won’t get to the bottom of what my fear is before I have to take action and start something new. Ready or not I need to apply myself. I do have the usual cacophony of voices in my head telling me that I’m not good enough, could my problem be something as simple as that? Not feeling good enough? Come to think of it, whatever my problem is, it is probably what kept me at that dead-end job that I hated for thirteen years. There are few people in my life that are in my age group who are working… “dead-end” jobs. I feel dirty saying that. They don’t have any plans for careers or to do anything better. I recently asked them about school and careers and they got so flustered. I think they’re experiencing the same thing I was while I was working my shitty job. Just kind of made myself comfortable there but always wanted more from myself. I finally have the opportunity but my mind has a block that I can’t figure out. I’ll pray to Ganesha to help me remove it.

I failed yesterday at giving myself some time to actually focus on myself and my situations. I want to blame my living situation. I shouldn’t be blaming anyone for my problems though. I know that. I’ll just be honest about how I feel here. I feel like I can’t get any space. Right now I am finally motivated and I was just asked to watch their kids for a few hours. My mornings, to me, are fucking sacred. They are 100% devoted to me. When I had 5am shifts I still got up at 3:30am so that I would have at least one hour to myself before I start the day. I don’t check my phone, I don’t check my socials, I don’t want to think about anything else but myself. My sister is on maternity leave and needs to barge into my space all morning long. I can’t stand it. She’s already invaded my space three times while I’m typing this. I wish I had a door. It’s not her problem though so whatever. I’ve been whining for months about how I recked my sleep schedule. I want to be getting up at 5am again so that I can have that hour without anybody else around. I want to be that gym rat who does his fitness training at 6am, that can be my space and my me time. I start every morning off already failing though. I just can’t fall asleep at night anymore. My mind wants to run a marathon.

I am also supposed to visit Hetal today and then grab dinner with Kyle. Matt is coming home for the Thanksgiving holiday and my other sister is coming over to stay this weekend as well. All I want is to be alone and away from other people and their energy. I can’t soul search around other people.

I just want to play motivational playlists and workout and hype myself up to actually apply myself to look for work and to actually face my situation. I’ve just been hiding and keeping myself distracted and telling myself “I’ll start tomorrow”. I want to be able to report that I applied at places when everybody asks me about my job hunt tomorrow during our Thanksgiving dinner. My mother read me for filth last time I saw her and implied that Matt should kick me out and I just can’t even catch my breath thinking about it. Not that I can think right now, screaming kids and all.

*Why don’t you just talk to your sister about respecting your time & space? * You might ask. She is a strung-out housewife with less time & space than me. Her husband works out of town and is only around one week a month. I owe them everything so I just suffer in silence. Well, I suffer on PB lol.

*edit
The gaylord works in obvious ways. The city that Matt and my other sister are in is still experiencing a big snowstorm. They’re stuck there so my sister is going to her friends for the night with the kids. I will have this house to myself in a few hours for the night. Thanks Ganesha. All this whining put me in such a bad mood so maybe I should just shut up from now on.

Last updated October 12, 2019