2 doink guys in Aftermath

2 doink guys



So i told both of the sort of guys in my life how sick I am and all that shit. One fucking left me on read.



The other one i have no fucking clue as I deleted the convo as to not see if he fucking did the same or not.



Makes me sad and mad that you feel like total strangers can have such compassion like the paramedics and drs which to be honest I dont have much of a good experience in the past with.



Damn. I wanna have a smoke.



I just read a book called How to Stop smoking and how to stay quit for good or something like that Gilian something.



I am gobbling up quit smoking books right now and this one looked so basic and run of a mill books out there but its probably one of the best books out there on quitting smoking i have ever read.



One its written finally by a woman.

Two it doesnt promise a magic cure or pill

Its down to earth, in your face honest even at times when I am like oh god no dont tell me that!



Like it says dont go telling everyone u quit or are quitting. Oops.



1. Make it a private thing between you as to not feel you are doing it for someone else or that u are letting people down. This decision shoyld be for yourself no one else or it wont last.





2. Acknowlege the desire to want to smoke without rushing to distract repress or ignore. Bc as they say what we resist persists



3. Dont add or change your life completely. Dont avoid triggers people places. Realize we dont live in a bubble basically and things come up sooner or later. Its better to make new memories at the local pub with the old friends that makes the memory less.



4. Dont substitiute food or an ultra healthy lifestyle. Its a set up to fail.



The one thing that was hard to read is that my health is so bad now that its probably going to be a bit harder for me as i have the added pressure of keeping and preventing my health of getting worse and also the fact that my cold will go away and whatever underlying thing i have might not be as bad as i think and i can easily justify going back.



But I will tell you I am a chain smoker. I am obsessed with smoking and the past while i have never ever not beem able to find a way to afford a pack of cigarettes even in my brokest.



That makes me sad now to think about. That i am so addicted like that.



Fuck addiction is quite a fucking trip man. I devestate myself.



I have to address my self esteem issues and mental health issues i tell you i have been trying tl mask all that with smoking hardcore especially in the last few years its gotten worse.



Anyways i do see that even before i quit smoking i have opened up my diary to publix more and have reached out online other places  too. I still journal privately but i am more likely to reach out now and not be so isolated and ashamed.



That HAS to be a good thing when it comes to quitting smoking....