evan. so yeah something's on my mind. this. in 2007: March 1: transferred fom FOD

no he still hasn’t called. but ya know. honestly. i’ve stopped waiting........i’ve moved on. the only thing. i’m still waiting for. is for him to call. so that i can tell him. we’re done. for good. and that’s it. i’ve gone over all of this in prior entries about him so. i’m not going to again. if people want to know..............ask. and i’ll link yall.
which. isn’t that a point of destruction for me? well. yes...........yeah. i think. bc of my depression. i look for that. i’m ok breaking his heart. when. if. i eventually tell him that. it’s mine i can’t handle. breaking that is. yes. like ‘oh ok i’ll just do something else to sabotage things. for myself’. cause i always gotta look for a little bit of chaos. i’m not looking to change this btw.
aren’t i better. not telling him? yeah but maybe that’s the problem............is that. i am. [well also i want to do the right thing by. telling him. so. there’s that.].
no but um. i mention this all again. bc. on um thurs. there was a big meeting we have one every 6 months, or so. and my mom. mentioned. him. not.........not by name but. she did. and i didn’t think she would. ever. right cause she never had before........... and i didn’t think i even had to establish those parameters! people say ‘never assume’ well yeah but everyone does. i mean it’s kindof hard not to i think. the only thing. i regret about 5.5 yrs. ago. is that my parents knew. and i feel. whoever, it was that told them. owes me a big. fukin apology. for not even considering my feelings. sure. the end of it all. was a bad situation but before that it wasn’t. not. not to me. they don’t see the whole picture. the only ones who do. are him. and me. and that’s true for anyone in. a lot of. things. like i don’t know what fully goes on at my mom’s yoga class...........
i just. i kindof get it...........cause. as a mom..........i’d think. [now i’m not one. and this is a reason i don’t want to be. one and ya know that’s ok] that she feels she has. a certain responsibility to them the people at the meeting. to have told them. she said................she’s in her words ‘worried’, it might happen again. and before that..............’she let a guy live at her place and it was really bad’. ok other then that. the guy was batshit crazy. no i mean legitimately. crazy. like. in the words of titus: ‘we the jury find the defendant’ crazy. i......................i don’t. i just. ok here’s what i’m saying: they see the negative part of it. i don’t. and that’s frustrating for me.
i’m not worried something like that might happen again. bc. i don’t worry about those kindof things. that’s not a place i let my mind go to.
so. i was reading up. on wikihow actually. on frustration and found the few articles v. helpful. and. soon i’ll post my findings and how it relates............but untill then. ............
here’s the thing though: so am. i. have the same mental condition he has. and no i don’t mean depression or alcoholism or anorexia or ptsd. no. i mean something else which. i haven’t quite stated what it is yet but i think. i might be ready to..........on here. soon. maybe no i think i am. i’m gettin there. and i just wonder ya know. what if. it had been me? would they have kicked me out? oh. wait. they did. no i’m just. the mental condition i haven’t named. yet is. a mild form. or what if. what if it had been my mom’s friend Karen? [no i’m not being confrontational. although it comes off that way. i do legitimately wonder.]. we’ve known Karen forever she’s awesome. i just. see what i’m getting at? maybe..........people don’t. i’m not sure. hm........
but. so. when my mom said those 2 sentences. after. emily asked ‘did you learn something from that?’ well yeah. not. not in the way they mean but. i did. i learned i can’t trust any neighbors i have and i can see the benefits to living in the country where there’s no one around for miles. bc people do not mind. their own damn business at least in my experience they don’t. [i should live in the forest. although the forest. scares me.]. and. i learned. that i got to know this unique, really sweet, really funny. person. someone who got me. and let me be stationary. so yeah. i did.
and. i learned. the experience of starting to move on and still doing so. [well. it’s not like i said what, exactly, i learned. so. i wasn’t being dishonest when i told her that.].
i. right. so i don’t think anyone knows this. and it’s been like. over a decade or so since it happened so. [my god that long? wow.]. um. so like. my sister and i are 2 and 3/4 yrs. apart. i was born in aug. of ‘87 she in jan. of ‘90. so yeah...........that’s about right almost 3 yrs. apart. and when we were both in hs. she was dating this guy. he was nice. and apparently...........it seemed one day/night he’d. like physically hit her, or something? i’m a little fuzzy on the details. anyway. [and i’m about to repeat myself here. and my belief system.]. but when i found out. about whatever it was. [they broke up a long time ago so.]. i. don’t recall that i told anyone. right bc. i’m not going to take over for anyone. it was her news her situation. not mine. she felt someone should know then that. was up to her. and i’m still like that. i’m. extremely live and let live. i don’t get involved. but apparently..........
oh. i talked to my friend Mark [and btw. the only reason i refer to him as such is to distinguish him from the director of my mom’s choir who is. also named ‘mark’] um. about this. so idinno.
think that’s it for now.