3/6/14 in Letters To My Wife

I am not sure what I want to say to you anymore. The biggest problem is that I don't believe you care about me anymore. To be honest, I don't believe you have loved me in years. At this point, I wonder if our relationship was a good idea at all. Yes, we had our good times, but do they really outweigh the bad? For me, right now, no. The good times were so short and so long ago. But the bad have been going on for so long and are alot more recent. I haven't been able to trust you with my feelings since A and it may even have been since the Halloween before that. I wonder if how I felt about those times even mattered. It's why when I hear things like I heard tonight, that a girl we worked with went down on you while she got taken from behind, I have a hard time believing that it isn't true. It wasn't that long ago I would have known that it was just B exagerating what really happened, but the more I realize how little I have been able to trust you with my feelings these last years, the more I wonder what you may not have told me about one thing or another. And the one thing I told you is that I never wanted to be left in the dark. I always felt left out of everything and I told you that I never wanted to be left out when it came to you. Problem is, after a time, all that happened was that I got left out and now, I am left behind to find my own way without you. And it hurts like hell to feel like this. I guess now, I don't have the right to ask for the answers. That doesn't mean I am not going to ask though. But I don't believe you will ever tell me, or that if you did, that I will necessarily believe what you say. It hurts me that I feel like this about someone I could trust with anything since I was 15. It hurts me that it is the person I have loved above all others that has no love for me. It just all hurts. I miss being happy and I miss being happy with you in my life, but that last I will never have back and the former I may never get back. What's worse is, despite all that, I still love you and as I have said before, part of me always will be in love with you. I just wish I could cut that part of me out and get on with my life and be ok, but I don't know if I will ever be ok again. I hope but I don't believe and a big part of that is that the things you have done combined with my depression and low self-esteem have killed my ability to believe in myself. I believe I am less than nothing, even if I shouldn't believe that. It is where I am, thanks to both of us. God, I wish I could wake up from this nightmare and be back when we were happy. I know you don't want the same. You feel nothing for me. I am just not you, so I hurt. Oh well, sucks for me I guess. And even with all that, if I could talk to you in your sleep right now, I would wish you a good night and sweet dreams. Because that is who I am. Too nice for my own good.