Too Gay to Function in Current Events

Yesterday I painted over some of my larger canvases black to cover up projects that I’d given up on, I don’t have any white primer. Yesterday I also started to paint a piece but there was such a long drying period that I saved the rest for today. Turns out that I am actually missing a lot of my brushes and other supplies as well. It’s been a year since I used them so yuh. I can’t blend anything and I’m trying to anyway and I’m just ruining this piece and now I am feeling so defeated and frustrated and I just want to scream and throw a tantrum. I don’t have the patience for this anymore. Like, my patience is as thin as I am so why test it? I’m so flustered that I forgot to oil my hair after I shampooed. Like, I’m too gay to function now. Speaking of being thin, I found an old pic somebody took of me and it was back when I was silently suffering from an eating disorder. I wore layers upon layers of clothes but I can still see it in that photo… which I will not post.

To manage my anxiety I started to dabble a bit in painting. I’m not that talented but I do feel confident that I could perform well in an art class. It’s something that I’ve always wanted to do. My stuff was a little dark at first. Then it started to evolve a bit. Did I prepare a collage for this entry? Yuh

Once upon a time in an alternate dimension, there was a Tom who had friends. One day when he had everybody over he almost died from a lack of attention. Everybody was talking about work and he had black paint and a sponge brush available from a pot that he painted earlier that day. He grabbed a sheet of paper and rolled a giant joint… kidding! Tom does not like being high in any alternate dimension or reality. It’s an instant anxiety attack. So what he did was use that paper to dribble a little somen’ somen’

Then many months later he was like… fuck yes this is so much better than starving myself to feel comfortable! I should get drunk, eat lots of pizza and get all fat and sassy on Facebook… but also make art for attention.

Then years later people started buying Tom canvases, brushes and acrylic paints. He was like… fuck yes this is so much better than feeling depressed. I like doing this.

Then within the last couple of years, Tom started playing around with “abstract art”. People started telling him to sell them and he was like… fuck yes I like money and I don’t have space to keep all of these. Then once he started to feel like he was doing it for other people he lost the passion immediately. He’s still trying to get it back.

Anyways, now I’ve got this canvas half wrapped in tape because I am trying to go for something that I haven’t tried before and I just feel so stupid and useless because I can’t get anything to cooperate. Much like everything else I ever did. Blah. I don’t want to give up on it just yet. I will re-up my supplies. I don’t think I have it in me to continue though. I’m a big fan of quitting. I love it when I just stop doing something that hurts me even if it is something I should be doing. It’s like… omg this sucks and it’s causing drama and upsets but if I just give up and I won’t have to care anymore. Yaaaay I love quitting.

Last updated September 26, 2019