Today in Health Journey

I am waking up earlier and more alertly than I have in forever.

I walked on the treadmill this morning, about a mile - just enough to break a sweat, get my blood pumping. The main point is that I actually did it I didn’t just think about it on repeat all day and eventually feel like a complete loser for not following through.

I wanted to talk about this past spring and summer. The very lowest point for me was in May, just before Mattie graduated. The morning I laid in bed, crying literally all morning, because she didn’t want me at her Senior walk was the worst day I can remember between February and now. I felt useless as a mom, wife, human. I felt like my efforts were futile, and that I would be abandoned by my kids. I felt like I had ruined Mattie’s senior experience by acting this way when she came home and found me curled up in bed, sobbing and angry. My purpose was bleak and uncertain. My future empty.

Tim gently encouraged me to take a break from working this summer, just relax, recharge, rest. Get some sun and work in the yard (two of my favorite activities). Who in the world has the luxury to do that AND has a husband who would encourage it? He was amazing, not pushy about when I would work full time again, not questioning every day if I was ok, just letting me be. I am forever grateful for that. This past summer allowed me to slip back into being just being at home, caretaking, cooking, cleaning, yard work, errands, lots of quiet pool floating time…with very little mental work needed. It was a good thing on one hand - very few demands. On the other hand, I often did a whole lot of nothing because I had very little motivation and often felt flat, just sitting on the couch or outside or in the pool with my mind absolutely blank (except for the negative self talk that never seems to go away no matter how hard I try).

With summer coming to a close, I was beginning to dread winter and thought I probably should actually see a doctor about possible medication - which the therapist recommended in June, and I hadn’t had the gumption to follow through on until last week.

And here we are.
I’m on medication, it seems to be kicking in slowly but surely. I feel like it’s the gentler version of Adderall… but however it’s making me feel better, no matter how slightly, I’ll take it.

Tim says he can already tell I’m happier by the way I talk about my day and interact with him through texts.

Last night, just before we fell asleep, we were talking about our anniversary (which is today), and all the ups and downs we’ve been through and he said, “I’m happy when you’re happy.”

I am grateful to have him by my side while we figure this life out.