Don't wanna say goodbye. in Life

My goodness my titles are dramatic, I should take up a part time job writing headlines for clickbait.

This is going to be an awkward entry, I’m not in the greatest mood for no real reason and my little one is roaming about with tiny fingers near the big wheels of my rolly chair. Although I might just plop her in her chair and throw some strawberries at her to prevent injury to tiny fingers.

As I approach ever closer to going back to work (something I’m excited for) I’ve found it to be a double edged sword and that’s lead to several other revelations that I imagine a lot of young parents have. I’m really looking forward to having a routine and goals again, and having that sort of… drive to do something? But at the same time I don’t really want to say goodbye (roll credits!) to Elly. Like I don’t wanna give her up to some complete stranger for 8 hours a day but I know that it will be better for her to get some socialization that I just can’t provide for her because of my own anxieties of how most parenting groups consist of Mom’s with pyramid scheme hobbies and a conversational sphere that encompasses how they’ve dealt with their child and their development.

But this feeling has lead me to a revelation. While I was thinking “I don’t want to let Elly go” I had also just told my mother that I wasn’t able to go up there because I had plans. (Also does anyone else hate how Spotify’s commercials are so much louder than their music? It’s so jarring and such skeezy marketing) And in digesting what I had just said to my mother and how I thought about not wanting to let my own child go it hit me that one day my own child is going to tell me they can’t/don’t want to see me because they have something else that they’d rather do and I don’t think I’ll ever grow out of wanting to be around my child (Well, maybe when she’s a terrible two haha.) so why would I think that my own parents would grow out of that feeling towards me? It really made me want to make a more concerted? effort toward spending time with my parents and really making sure that they enjoy the time that they get to spend with their child.

I wonder if that’s an age thing or if I needed a child to realize how strong that bond is?