Well, that was... in Book Six: Trying to Hold On 2019

Sometimes I feel like just jumping into these entries with my current day, forgetting that those who read may wish to know what has occurred outside of the office.

Last night after work, I drove home… for some reason convinced it was Wednesday. I pulled into the garage and noticed Wife’s car still present and thought, “She must have skipped going to the Animal Shelter today.” I walk in and Wife tells me that she stayed home all day but it was because the teacher cancelled. I inquired, “Both classes were cancelled today?” She laughed and said, “Lab was cancelled today. It’s Tuesday.” So with lab cancelled, she had 2 extra hours around the house. She did some kitchen cleaning (as expected) and did some homework. For the first time in a while, she felt that she had finished enough homework to actually participate in things. I’m… internally conflicted on this, actually. I get that Wife is a “Returning Student” tackling college for a second time at the age of 39. But also? She’s taking only 2 classes, at an introductory collegiate level, and is still spending 8 hours a day on homework. I’m not bitter yet but… I can definitely feel “bitter” around the corner. Because of comparisons. She’s taking two college freshman level courses 16 years after she graduated from college. I’m helping around the house, cooking dinner, and maintaining “supportive husband behavior.” Meanwhile, in comparison… I went to Graduate School at the age of 29. I took a full course load including summer classes while holding a part time job. I did homework every night and most weekends. And I had to do most of the cooking, support Wife emotionally as she “hated and despised everything about Omaha and Wal Mart” and pretty much accept that I was not going to receive any type of support from my Wife for the entirety of Law School. You’ll remember it was in Law School that Wife decided to stop having sex with me (the middle of my first semester) and did not have sex with me again until a few months after I failed the BAR exam. THAT level of “unsupportive.” So… yeah. I feel frustration and I’m trying to stave off bitterness. Because her return to college is “as idyllic as it can be made” and she’s struggling to finish homework by 11 p.m (despite being at home every day, all day, but for 2 hours of class M-F). And my experience was… lets just say far less idyllic.

That was… some upsetting emotional honesty that I had not anticipated. ANYWAY, I cleaned up the rest of the kitchen (but for recycling) and asked if she wanted to go on the W with Nala and I. As she had not left the house for anything on Tuesday, Wife decided that she would come along on the Dog Walk. She wouldn’t walk the dog, but she’d walk with us. As long as we walked to Fareway. Because Wife wanted to get some more snack food. Sure. A walk is a walk and it gets all of us some exercise. But… yeah. Definitely aware that the motivation wasn’t “spend time with husband” it was “grab more snack foods” despite our very pointed and emotional conversation about how much Wife hates her body because she thinks she’s too fat to engage in physical affection. (sarcastic) Awesome! Great call! Though, genuinely, at least it would be exercise for all of us.

After the walk, we got home and I started cooking the Healthy Taco Noom Recipe (192 calories per serving). Wife helped out a little but when it comes to cooking, honestly, a little is a LOT for me. I have (as previously mentioned) MASSIVE food anxiety. If Wife helps me shop, that helps SO MUCH. And if Wife is there to at least help cut up a vegetable or mince a garlic clove or wash a pan… anything… it is a massive help. And, as per our usual, cooking together is a key bonding thing for us. Honestly, I think if we both genuinely cooked together more… we’d be a lot more emotionally connected. I had a light beer with dinner and ate two tacos, which put my dinner caloric content I think to something around 500 calories. Wife had a couple of cocktails and finished off the rum in the house. Then she went to transpose notes while watching three episodes of K-On. As she was watching an Anime that was gifted to us by MBFITWW, I sat and watched it with her and played with the dog. After that, she and I tackled the laundry together and stripped/re-made the bed. We kind of had to. Nala is out of medication for her Night Peeing and we wanted to see if One Round of the pills had curbed the issue and… no. In the middle of a deep sleep, water started forming around Nala and it was coming out of her. It doesn’t smell like pee so I’m wondering what’s going on. Obviously, since it mostly stopped while she was on the pills and came back when she wasn’t… we’ll trust the vet and do another round of pills and go through the cycle… in some dogs, they need to be on pills their entire life but some dogs don’t. So we’ll see. But yeah. That was last night. After re-making the bed with clean sheets, it was sleepy time for me.

When I woke up this morning to do my weigh-in? I was honestly girding myself for a 222 or higher. The scale said: 215.8. SO yes, technically it was a weight gain… but of 0.4 pounds. Not the five to ten pound shift that typically tends to happen day-to-day. So hopefully… hopefully… no promises… hopefully, that means this is sustainable? That 215 is where I am and where I’ll be until I continue to lose weight?? I hope.

Drove in to work early. I have an eye appointment today in WDM so I wanted to make sure I got my work done before I left at 2. D’doy, I should have realized that I would get my work done no issue. I was finished by 10:10 with absolutely everything I needed to have done by the end of the week. Now, that isn’t to say I have nothing to do Thursday or Friday. Thursday is hearings and meetings and Friday is depositions. One truism in this job is “there’s always something” but as far as the typed up work, the decision making, the plea offerings, the legal filings I know of (ie- non-emergency) those are all done for the week.

So I’m re-reading some of my more fun entries. Like “Pop Culture Debate”. I think I need more things like that in my life. Just… fun, light, not as important things. But… that’s why I’m going to individual therapy, right? Because on April 10, 2019 when the piece was written: I’d had sex within the last two weeks, I had just gotten a dog, I still saw some of my DM friends, and my docket was mostly assaults. As compared to now: The last time I had sex was that time at the end of March, the dog is doing well for the most part, I haven’t seen my DM friends since last winter, and my docket is mostly Sexual Molestation of a Child or Sexual Assault cases. So… there we have it. Darkness in the marriage and darkness in the job mixed with further feelings of isolation brings me to a darker place emotionally overall. Not exactly rocket science.