Ground Control to Major Tom in Current Events

Last week was long and full of terrors. It was long because I got addicted to gaming. I found an old PS3 game that my brother in law lent me called Resonance of Fate and I’ve put in maybe, 40 hours of gameplay? Since Tuesday! I’ve never been so sucked into a game in my life. I wasn’t sleeping, eating, exercising, socializing etc. On day three I learned about what happens to my body when I throw everything out of the window. Sleep deprivation, malnutrition, dehydration & poor hygiene wrecked my body. I had the biggest acne breakout in my thirties, I couldn’t void my bowel for two days and I am still recovering from that, TMI, and I can’t cope, mentally or physically with anything. I’m out here trying to be on another level but here I am screaming at everything, freaking out over everything… and what social life? I was ignoring everybody. I was in a different world where I didn’t have to think about my problems. On day two I started to have mini panic attacks whenever I thought about my life outside of that game. That made me play even longer. Like, who am I? I didn’t know I could be such a slob.

On Saturday I managed to turn it off. I showered, shit and shaved for the first time in days and I cleaned my act up. Restored some balance again. Keyword, some. On Sunday I linked up with Toni and she might be getting laid off soon. Her company is downsizing and she is not too confident that she will make the cut. She hates that job anyway. She was pretty stressed about it though but I talked her down. We agreed to wait until spring to move in together… I now need to find a way to tell my roommates. I really didn’t want to have to drive my car this winter. I don’t have a bus where I live, oh well. I’ll just do it. So she and I are both looking for work and are going to try and save up for when we move in the spring. Man, I still die inside whenever I think about job hunting. Then I remind myself that I need to boss up and own my life again. It’s just, getting fired feels like a fresh wound whenever I think about starting somewhere new. I can do it though! I have no choice.

Toni opened up to me about her best friend Stacy and her husband Kim. Tried to anyway. Toni works with Kim at the boxing gym, Toni volunteers there because there is a homeless shelter involved with that gym. He’s a really charismatic and nice guy she used to say. Now she learned that he is emotionally abusive to his wife Stacy. That’s when I took over her story and mansplained exactly what is happening in that relationship. He’s an addict, the master of manipulations, the gaslighting and the learned helplessness etc. Kim is a textbook narcissist and Stacy needs to leave him but she keeps making excuses for him and keeps thinking that she needs to try harder because he is going through a hard time… ugh, Jesus, gross. People like her frustrate the hell out of me! Get out of that relationship!! Sadly, I know better. She is trapped and leaving him does not feel easy. I have been going through this with my sister Miranda. Her boyfriend, the addict, who almost died just weeks ago and my sister quit her job and moved to a different city because *she respects loyalty. * Fuck loyalty. We all know where I stand with addicts. I’ve been burned too many times, I make no room for those people in my life! I don’t accept excuses, I don’t lend a hand I just get the fuck out of their way because I do not know how much they will take of me, physically, mentally, emotionally, financially to get them closer to their high. I refuse to be expendable again.

Anyways, I got a little triggered talking about that last bit but I’m not done and do feel free to have a different opinion. Anyways! When I got home my sister Melissa had updated me on our sister Miranda. Apparently, her boyfriend totalled her car once again! This time he is facing jail time. When he got off the hook from breaking and entering a couple of weeks ago I was so livid. The man who caught Justin, the boyfriend, breaking into his house decided that he wanted to be a good Christian and not press charges. Well, this time I hope that the legal system fucks Justin sideways with something hard and sandpapery.No more being the victim you asshole. His mother is going to try and talk Miranda into staying by his side. I can hear it now. Oh, he’s just got his demons and needs rehab and his family. This is his time of need. No bitch! He needs to suffer the consequences of his actions! Not the other way around you dumb cunt! Is anybody thinking about that family Justin burglarized? I bet they can’t sleep at night! What if he drove that car into a person? Why does everybody else have to suffer his consequences for him? Like I just can’t with this shit… so yeah, Miranda can’t deal with his shit anymore either, allegedly. She is moving back to the city tomorrow, allegedly. She has almost left him so many times but always ends up crawling right back. I don’t know how people like him end up with so much power over people… ok! That’s a lie. I do know. From experience and that is why I always get so heated about it. Narcissists are so predictable now and I love beating them at their own game! Shame is their only emotion, I just got to make them look dumb and not let them have control of what everybody else thinks of me and then I will own them. Like little pets… wow I’m garbage.

Anyways, I took my grandmother to get some bloodwork done on Thursday. She seemed a lot better than she did the last time that I saw her. Her condition is not stable and I’m worried about it. I have a lot that I need to worry about and my friend Ashley is pressing me about her wedding next month. We have a strong history but I don’t want to go to her wedding. First of all, I hate weddings. Not marriage, weddings. I had 5 in one year when all of my friends decided to get married around the same time. I’m one income and five weddings?! That was 5 showers, 5 bachelorette parties, 5 ceremonies, 5 receptions, 5 presentions and 5 wedding gifts… and then 5 divorces. Including Ashley, this is her second wedding. I set her up with her fiance but I can’t promise that I can make it to her wedding if I am starting a new job by then. Also, will they have vegan options at the reception? She does not like taking no for an answer. She has an answer for everything. Also, when I lost my job I learned who is there for me and she is not one of them. She’s a cotton candy friend, fun and delicious but not one bit nutritious.

Today’s word is anyways.

Anyways, I gotta go do the lawn and take care of myself… speaking of self-care, I am the most important person in every relationship that I have with people. My saviour complex got me into a lot of trouble in my time and that is the big lesson that I learned from my twenties. If you can’t love yourself how in the hell you gonna love anybody else? Can I get a gaymen? #RuPaulQuote