What's wrong with me in ❅journal 2019❅

I can’t find any answers and I’m in tears at this point. Genophobia. It makes sense but it also doesn’t. Every article I found says it’s rape or culture pressure that causes it. I just don’t have it then.

But I am at a point it’s getting harder to deal with. I feel like I can’t talk to anyone about it, I get embarrassed. Everything inside says I’m a horrible person, disgusting, gross and that I need to go die.

I don’t get it and I don’t get why I’m like this. It’s normal for girls to want to kiss their boyfriends, why can’t I just think about it without feeling dirty?