Threw me for a Loop in All of Me

Alright so I don't know if Anyone remembers Jay.He is my friend from college.Ive known him ten years.He convinced me to leave my husband and then after I did he told me he liked me.So began the most passionate romantic experience of my life.I have cried more and laughed more with this guy than anyone else.We are really in each others heads during sex and it is phenomenal...so connected.We laugh and talk for hours.

The saga of jay goes like this:i told him i wasbt ready for a relationship because of my divorce.We were friends with benefits for about a year and a half.I saw other guys during this time but i always came back to jay. Then he told me that he loved me and wanted to give us a shot.Then he decided the next day to go back to his ex girlfriend.It really broke my heart and he tried to talk to me while he was with her and apparently they are both unfaithful to each other.I could never be with jay for real.Ok,anyway,I told him it hurt too much to be his friend and I didn't want to cause problems with his gf..he texted me a few days later saying that he got me a Christmas present...I told him I didn't want it.I changed my number and I met Terrence like six months later so we didn't talk for almost three years.For whatever reason I could not resist the urge to send him a Facebook message shortly after Terrence and I broke up.He is single now too so we met for a drink and talked and then we hooked up because the chemistry between us has just always been like that. We hung out a lot and then I realized my feelings were still there and I distanced myself.

Fast forward to last night. My friend Mariam and I were driving in her car and she ran out of gas.It was cold and the only person who answered was Jay.He came and helped us and it was so good to see him again.I wish we could go back to just friends...it sucks.Hes been texting me a lot lately and I know it's because he saw a pic of d on Facebook with me and he's jealous.He always gets jealous.I know we would never work out and he would cheat on me just like he cheated on his ex.I know this and yet I still keep thinking about him. I really like d and yet I am thinking about jay.whats wrong with me?Am I so emotionally stunted and ridiculous that I am entertaining the thought of getting back with a guy who will only break my heart again?Am I that dumb that I can't turn my feelings off for a guy who wouldn't even want a relationship with me?Im completely not ready for a relationship and yet I just Miss him.I want his company. I feel like I never want a bf again because the last one was so bad.lol.I have issues.