smooth as Tennessee whiskey in 2019

10:23pm

So, it seems a lot of people around here are having the same difficulty that I am; coming back in here after an absence with so much to say and not knowing where to start.

I tried a couple times last month to write but clearly didn’t get anywhere. Besides having so much going on these days there are also other contributing factors: 1) I don’t get the laptop out as much at home, 2) I lost access to prosebox at work. I think it’s a new router I installed but the page doesn’t load properly and makes it hard to use, 3) I don’t know where to start or what to say, 4) my free time has been cut back dramatically. Etc. So on and so forth.

Excuses really. I just haven’t made the time to sit down and get the thoughts out. On the bright side I guess a major part of it is that I’m happy these days and it’s not the same to need to write every little thought out when you’re happy. I’m not the only one that’s like that, right? I need this place a lot more when I’m stuck in a cycle of complicated thoughts and need to flesh them out. When I need to rant and process, and clear my head to move on. It’s easier to write then. The words flow more freely.

I’m here now though and I might just hit some bullet points and hope for more writing in the future. I do know what a benefit it is to me mentally and emotionally. Even if things are good, I still have thoughts to process.

Health:
- I don’t remember how much I mentioned but that abscess I ended up having on my tonsil was drained and came back about a week later. Saw a different doc and he reopened it. Lasted for about 5-6 weeks and last weekend [the 31st] I ended up in the ER to have it drained again. I had things to do that weekend, and food to eat!, and I couldn’t wait until Tuesday to get into the office. Turned out to be the same doc on call and he traumatized me a little bit with the procedure but it cleared up. Saw him for a follow up this last week and we’ve all decided it’s in my best interest to have my tonsils removed.

• I’ve heard nothing but sad stories about having this procedure done as an adult but I’m staying positive. They told me the same thing about my wisdom teeth and I was totally fine. I honestly can’t imagine it’ll be much worse than going through that first abscess. That was basically hell and this time I know what to expect, know how to help the healing along, and will see the light at the end of the tunnel. Plus I like to think I have a high pain tolerance and I’m a good healer.

• On that note, I’m also off my methotrexate shots. I haven’t taken one since before the ER visit. Needed to stop for surgery anyway, but I’m strongly considering not going back on them. I have seen some symptoms return [some hip soreness and ankle issues mostly] but I think they’re worth living with. There were not enough benefits to outweigh the risks. I certainly don’t think I’d be having my tonsils removed in the coming weeks if it weren’t for the sh*t immune system due to those shots. I’m happy to be off them and ready to find some alternatives if I get worse. Fingers crossed for a remission though!

Boyfriend:
- Things are good. So good! I really like him and it gets harder and harder to let him go at the end of the day. I noticed it hit me yesterday when I walked him to his truck after spending most of the weekend together. I did not want him to leave! We don’t always talk, and some times he even sleeps, but just being next to him brings me so much comfort.

• I don’t have doubts about us. I still very much feel like this was meant to be and we are definitely together for a reason. But there are so many feelings I need to work through on this one. It’s all me. My long history of waiting for the other shoe to drop. Of not trusting things to stay good. Fears of abandonment. Commitment issues. And the like.

• I still haven’t told him I love him. I can’t seem to say it despite the fact that he’s been saying it to me since practically the beginning. I do care about him. I miss him when he’s gone. I love our time together and look forward to it. I enjoy all of our phone calls throughout the day. He makes me laugh in a way that no one else ever has.
  But I just can’t say the words. I want to talk to him about this but I want to do it in person. I can’t seem to find the right moment. We spend so little time together [his work schedule is crazy and about to get worse with his busy season starting Wednesday] that when we are together we’re basically just trying to enjoy every last bit of each other [more on all those boundaries that I never established later] and we don’t have time to talk serious topics. Don’t get me wrong, we talk a lot, about everything, but this is an important conversation I want to have with him face to face and will definitely make time soon. I hope.

• I did have one moment of feeling pretty bad last weekend. We were celebrating our two month anniversary with these amazing ribeye steaks [after my unplanned ER visit] and we had some time alone to talk. He told me that the only thing he could see coming between us is the fact that I am trying to remain celibate. And I played it off alright because I TOTALLY understand how that might be an issue, but it hit me hard by the end of the night. Feelings of not being enough for him. Of wanting to end things now before I get freaken crushed. Stuff like that. I barely let him touch me that night when he walked me home and the next morning I woke up before dawn and spent hours thinking about what I should do and crying all the tears. It’s the first time I’ve ever spent any time overthinking any thing since we got together and it hit me like a ton of bricks.

• But then we spent Labor day together at my friend’s house and we had such a good time. I think, [for now] I’ve come to the conclusion that I will continue to enjoy this for however long it lasts and deal with the end if it shall ever come. There’s no point in worrying that he’ll leave me in a month, or two, or ten. I don’t know what’s going to happen between us and I’m going to enjoy every freaken minute of it while I can. Life is too damn short not to.
  Even just this afternoon he stopped by and we were sitting on the couch. I was running my hands through his hair/back/face/arms while he laid on me [and fell asleep haha] and I thought to myself about how I much I wanted to savor these moments while I have them. I don’t know what will happen between us. At all. But I want to remember all these moments for how happy I’ve been and how good I’ve had it. That dude might break my heart in the end, but at least I’ll know what it’s like to be truly happy for a while.

That’s all that matters right? To be happy and enjoy life. And maybe I started crying a little typing out that last paragraph but I just really hope I don’t lose him over something like that. I hope he can find a way to really commit to me despite the celibacy [trust me, I’ve done my best to compromise and give him everything I can] and I will totally make it worth his while in the end. I mean I’ll give him the whole world if we can stick this out and make it permanent.

Because I think I might actually want this to be permanent.
…And it’s still early, and I’m sure there’s still a lot to learn, and I’m a total realist and know it can end at any minute....but I really hope it won’t.

rose.
11:19pm