Abuse in Aftermath

So I am 32 years old and I feel like such a child

Still.

My father was molesting me as well as my bro sis and Mom growing up. As well as physical mental and emotional abuse.

As a result I have been diagnosed with Dissociative Identity Disorder, Depression, Generalized Anxiety Disorder and PTSD.

I am on disabilty and work casual part time if that. I live in government housing in the inner city which I am not used to as I grew up on a dirt road in the middle of nowhere.

I was forbidden to get a job growing up and being the youngest I guess that added to it I dont know? I grew up in a wealthy family where i felt my silence was bought. I wanted to run away from home alot growing up but the closest shelter was 30 minutes away and didnt have enough money to get there.( Maybe i could have tried harder I dont know? )

Anyways eventually when my parents divorced when I was 18 I moved with my mom closer and closer to the city every few years and finally I had enough of my moms abuse towards me and went to a shelter. Luckily getting into subsidized housing not too long after.

Anyways the only one i feel close to is my mother. As much as she was abusive to me growing up now that i dont live with her she cant physically or sexually abuse me anymore but definately still emotionally and verbally abuses me although not as bad because i am older wiser and i dont live with her anymore.

But she still pays for some things for me here and there and she pays my internet. There still is alot of finacial abuse. I cant work as of right now full time if ever. Pt jobs are hard enough as it is to come by.

I am crippled at time with major anxiety panic attacks and depression often not being able to get out of bed. I use drinking to cope. As it sometimes numbs the pain. I am in therapy and its ok but not enough i dont think which is why i am reaching out here. I am extremely nervous to post this as i am scared i will be judged or adviced to death. As well i am scared that someone in my family will see this.

Anyways. Life has been tough for me still since leaving. I am not the best at being the adult i should be at 32. I smoke like crazy sometimes drink alot and have had several physical and otherwise abusive relationships and friendships along the way. But luckily i am not in any right now basically.

But i am very lonely. I dont have any close friends except my mom who i have bonded with and we generally lately anyways get along of we dont get into deep things although sometimes we can definately talk about deep things but it often depends on her mood.

Anyways. I have been on and off no contact with my bro and sis for years now but just as of a few weeks ago my father had a major accident at work and was hospitalized. He will be ok he just needs to learn how to walk again. Anyways in a moment of weakness i contacted my sister and saw him a total of 2 times in the hospital.

My dad grabbed me inappropriately at the hospital when no one was looking and i froze up he was also showing me pictures of his new gf who is alot younger than him from a poor country and all the things he bought for her etx. It makes me sick to see him exploit another person as well as what he did to me.

I talk to my aunt but she is most likely a pd flying monkey as well.

I have 4 cousins who i missed alot of time with while they were growing up. I am at least 13 years older than all of them. I know for a fact that my father molested at least 2 of them and i recently just reached out to them as they are older now on social media to catch up etc.

I have been ignoring all my sisters aunts calls texts and messages since the last time i saw my dad at the hospital since i am not sure i can stomach seeing him again.

The kicker is that although my mom divorced my dad she went to see him after 18 years as well. And she tells my sister and brother all about my life which than gets passed down to my dad.

I know i probably shouldnt tell her stuff but i have no one else to share my life with other than my therapist and i get soo isolated and lonely.