Updated in 2014

Today has been a struggle for me. The last few have been, but today I have finally been troubled enough that I forced myself to sit down and write.

First of all, my family was supposed to leave today, but they decided to extend their visit by a week. We've had some good times and I am so happy that my kids have been around\d their grandma and uncle again. At times it's been stressful, I absolutely could not deny that, but I wish they could stay forever.

Well, maybe not my grandma. She has been the bulk of the stress. I love her to death and it seriously hurts me to see who she has become. She's so judgmental of others, and so fixated on being sad all the time. There really is no reasoning with her. And of course, I buy all the wrong things, and because I prefer two story houses to single story like her, it means I don't like her. Next time, I think it's better if my mom comes alone, with one or both of my brothers, but not with my grandma. She has expressed very little interest in where we live and what we do, and that honestly hurts me. She hasn't sugar coated any of her negative thoughts and it really bothers me. I love where we live, and I sacrificed a lot to come here. It just doesn't make sense to me why she can't understand that keeping her opinions to herself would be so much better than talking poorly about where I moved my family too.

But, I love seeing my son laugh and play with my mom. Salem has been sleeping with her, and it warms my heart in the morning when I wake her up for school and see that they are cuddling. It's extremely satisfying to see them curled up with my brother watching cartoons. I like having my mom here. I love having her watch my kids. I like seeing my husband and brother bonding. I like even more seeing him come home and hug my mom. I will miss it when they are gone.

I haven't been sleeping. It has gone into weeks of this. The only nights I sleep is when I take something. I don't want to do that every night. But I feel so burdened that staying asleep the whole night is not an option. I went to work on Monday with only 3 and a half hours sleep. It was torture.

So basically, having my family here, I realize just how spoiled I was to have my mom around to help with Salem when she was a baby/toddler and I was working. She is the only person in the world that I know (other than my dad) that loved my kids as much as I do, and the way that I do. I am not afraid of anything when they are with her. She is attentive and does not leave them in another room to fend for themselves. She sacrifices comforts for the sake of theirs.

With that being said, my father in law does not. He loves my kids, but he is not maternal at all. And everyday that my son is with him, he does not change his diaper. For 6 hours he will remain in the same diaper and no matter how much poop or pee is in his pants, it will stay there until I get him. The pee is not the problem, diapers are so absorbent, but its the poop. I can not even begin to count how many days I have shown up to a kid who can't walk because his butt is so torn up from the poop. The last time I picked him from him before my family got here, I couldn't even put my arm under his butt to support his weight without him screaming. His skin was burnt, cracked, and bleeding. It took me 15 minutes to get him clean because it hurt him so badly to have me wipe him. I lost it and told Scott that either Ian had to go to daycare, I was going to quit my job. I can't continue to send my son there when I know that is going to be the result.

Scott started his new job, he is making more money, and the bigger, life changing amounts will start in a few weeks, but for now, we still can't afford for me to quit my job, or to put him in daycare. Either way, my heart is not in daycare. I can't justify paying someone to take my check from me. I really like my job, and I would like to keep it, but I am not willing to keep it to sacrifice my child's well being. I've had nightmares the last several nights about Ian, that something or someone is attacking him, and I am fighting, bleeding, to protect him. By the time my mom leaves next week, I will have had a month of my kids with her. I don't know how I go on from there. We have tried to get him potty trained, even more with the family being here, but he simply is not ready. It's like a game, and fun sometimes, but he is not ready to incorporate it into his daily life. I do not want to make any overly emotion decisions that I will later regret, but I seriously am sick over this.

I cried in the shower this morning knowing that I have to say good bye to my family again in 6 days. Part of me is so happy they were here, it was a good pick me up when I was starting to feel so homesick, but part of me almost thinks it would have been better had they not come at all just so I wouldn't have the hurt of goodbye. I feel so irrational.

My anniversary was on the 26th. Scott and I have been married for 8 years. We didn't really do much, we couldn't afford it, but I was happy to be alone with him. He got me a great card, and a beautiful bouquet of flowers. His public declaration of love to me on Facebook made me cry. He did everything I wanted. I am ridiculously in love with my husband and very proud to call him mine.

That is all. For now at least.