Competition in Thoughts On...

Not the kind of competition you are thinking about. No sports, trivia, science fair kind of shit. Nobody is competing for a legitimate award. They are competing to be…the most miserable person alive.

Let me throw some examples at you. Example 1: Parenting for me is harder than it is for you Cast of Characters: Medusa vs. Beowulf* Medusa’s daughter, Metamucil, is in dance & has taken on theater. Beowfulf’s daughter, Rancor, is in two dance classes (the kind where you run around and look all uncoordinated and Irish dance). These two girls are 8 years old. This year Beowulf had to sign Rancor up for dance class that is run by Metamucil’s dance instructor. They live in two different towns and there is some travel involved for the kids in Rancor’s class. Thus giving a point to Beowulf. Medusa gets a point for having to taxi between theater & dance on the same night in a short amount of time. But, Beowulf steals a point because she has a 2 year old son Inferno and he is a nightmare.

Medusa scores again because they are required to help with prop building for theater and pay for their own tickets to the performances. I give that last one 3 points because that is total bullshit.

Beowulf lords herself as having to do it all because her husband Unlce Sam is never around or is too lazy to do anything. Deduct a point for trying to be a martyr. Actually two because she married Uncle Sam and knew what she was getting into.

So our tally at this point is: Medusa 5 Beowulf 0 But, there is more. Beowulf has to curl Rancor’s hair just so and Rancor is basically a chia pet. Score 1, but Beowulf allows Rancor to dictate how her hair and makeup are so -1 for not being an adult and most likely lying about it. Rancor is taking a theater workshop in her town and Beowulf does not plan on telling Medusa about it to avoid competition. Score 1 for having foresight.

This just in: Medusa does not do all of the taxing of Metamucil. It appears her mother-in-law does a lot of it. Also, we learned that Medusa tends to leave her kid a lot to “party”. That is a 4 point deduction (1 for embellishment, 2 for partying instead of being with your child and 1 for telling everyone you are working late because you have to pick up Metamucil and by working late you are dicking around & socializing not actually working).

Final score: Medusa 1 Beowulf 1 - Round 2 to commence

Example 2: KareBear vs the World*: I’m worse off than everyone else

Karebear has a lot of medical* problems. (*mental). Every time someone she knows has a medical issue, she too has it only it is ten times worse. Her niece had to have a liver biopsy and has liver disease that is untreatable and was not preventable. On the day of her niece’s biopsy, she visited the home and discovered the procedure and Karebear suddenly developed liver problems and would probably need a liver biopsy.

Karebear’s brother was recently awarded disability payments from social security (Karebear has been receiving SSI for several years now). He will be getting more money than she does each month and that is unfair. It is also unfair that she has to pay for Medicaid. She worked less and contributed far less to the “system” than her younger niece and she gets free money from the government for being a mental case & hypochondriac, yet runs the poor me drama every chance she gets.

Winner: Karebear Loser: Tax paying citizens

Example three: Beowulf vs Medusa vs Heaven

Heaven has been having trouble sleeping lately. Medusa can’t sleep since her son died some three years ago. Beowulf can’t sleep because her two year old won’t sleep. Or so they all say.

Heaven doesn’t want to have this problem. Medusa & Beowulf have this problem to beat Heaven.

Winner: tie Medusa & Beowulf Loser: Heaven – she threw in the towel because it is not worth it

See, it is all about competition and nothing like the Olympics to bring it out in full force. Attention whores compete to be the worst off. Non-Drama Queens don’t enter the competition, they just sit back and judge all the pathetic losers.

*Names were changed to protect the guilty and myself.