BIGGAYDAN Strikes Back. in The Official BIGGAYDAN Archive.

BIGGAYDAN Strikes Back - 8/16/2003

I suppose there was a time when I wanted BIGGAYDAN to be our BIGGAYHERO. Someone homosexuals everywhere could look up to. But, unfortunately, BIGGAYDAN himself didn't want that role. Regardless of the roles I put him in, the struggle became not him and his homosexuality, but him and me. Me. Timmy. The writer. It was only a matter of time before this conflict came to pass.

Timmy was writing quietly in the Lisa Electron room of his giant mansion. Typing away another adventure of BIGGAYDAN. He wondered when it could get old. How many times can he make fun of BIGGAYDAN'S homosexuality, or lack thereof? He wondered what BIGGAYDAN thought of him. He finished the latest Adventure of BIGGAYDAN and posted it on Open Diary. After checking his notes fifty times and staying up far later than he should have, he decided to retire for the night.

BIGGAYDAN doesn't note Timmy anymore at least not the way he did before he became BIGGAYDAN. After Timmy posted his little story, BIGGAYDAN happened to read it. A story entitled, "BIGGAYDAN Strikes Back." He read the little story, well aware of pain growing in his chest. I'm.. not.. gay.., he mumbled to himself. He swallowed slowly and clenched his first. So he thinks I'm gay, eh? I'll show him how gay I am... He pounded his fist against the desk, rose, and stalked out of the room.

Timmy was naked and settling in for a night of nude sleep. Brushing his teeth in his bathroom, he pondered the story he had just written. Funny how I love defying the laws of physics. I wonder what would happen if BIGGAYDAN and I really did live in the same town and went to the same High School. He was about to go into bed when he thought heard something. Someone was knocking on the manor door. This is damn peculiar.

Tossing on his sexy red bathrobe, Timmy went to answer the manor door. He casually openned the front door. His calm pull was overpowered by the thrust of the person shoving against it. A large gay man rushed at Timmy and forced him to the ground.

"BIGGAYDAN?"

BIGGAYDAN easily overpowered the weakling Timmy and pinned him to the ground. BIGGAYDAN moved his face close to Timmy's and breathed in his face while keeping a casual grip on his throat.

"You know, that little story of yours gave me an idea. Maybe it's time I did show you how gay I really am, you son of a bitch. I'm fucking tired of you messing with me and my INSANELYHOTGIRLFRIEND. What did I ever do to you?"

Naturally, passive, Timmy tried to talk this over. "Hey um. Dan! Buddy ol` pal. Can we talk this over a can of Vamp?"

BIGGAYDAN smacked Timmy across the face. "Shut your face, asshole. I'm going to do you real good..." He somehow managed to whip out his GIANTMANCOCK without letting Timmy from getting up. He then flipped over, pulled out a knife, and cut Timmy's shorts away.

"Uh dude, what the fu.."

BIGGAYDAN smacked him again. Without warning, BIGGAYDAN shoved his GIANTMANCOCK up Timmy's TIGHTPINKANUS. Timmy's eyes opened up wide.

"HOLYSHITDUDEYOUDIDN'TUSEANYLUBEANDTHATREALLYHURTSAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!"

And so BIGGAYDAN assraped Timmy on the floor of his own manor.

Kivudet awoke from his bed somewhere inside the Timmy mansion. He went to bed early the night before, after staying up excessively late. He did not hear the screams of Timmy. He jerked off, showered, jerked off again, ate breakfast, and jerked off. After his subsequent orgasm, he wondered, "Did anybody get the paper? Hmmmm." Kivudet wandered towards the front door. He was almost on top of the body when he noticed it.

"Oh god damn it, who's going to give me rides now?"

Kivudet scanned the body. Clearly assraped. Bruises all over his body. He couldn't figure out what the cause of death was, beyond severe anal rapage. "He obviously didn't use any lube.." He pondered who could have done such a thing. "He could have written about him getting two chicks at the same time. But nooo, what did he write about?" He sighed and walked towards the nearest phone to do typical post-death things.

"We're definitely going to need another Timmy."

Magically, there was a funeral that same day. Since he was a Timmy, the mayor of the town showed up and gave a stirring speech.

" ... I know we're all saddened by the sudden loss of our Timmy. He was so... Timmyish. His penis was so tiny. His balls were so huge. So many OD girls wanted to have 2452134 of his babies. But, even though he's gone, Timmy will live on, through us. For Timmy has touched us.. in.. so many.. tender.. ways.." The female mayor paused to blot her tears. "But, the show must go on. We've got a big day ahead of us! It's the day of The Big Game, The Big Prom, The Big Parade, The Big Schoolwide Testing Extravaganza, The Big Gang Bang, and of course, The BIGGAYDAN. Yes, today is definitely a Big Day."

Assembled to honor their fallen friend, Kivudet, General Disk Error, and Grunge were all wearing thongs. Under their clothes, of course. General Disk Error was the first to speak after the funeral procedures.

"Okay, I don't give a shit if he's dead, I'm NOT wearing this damn thong for the rest of the day!"

Grunge agreed, "It feels like butt floss."

Kivudet laughed. "You dumbasses. I said have it on you. I didn't say wear it. I have my thong in my pocket. I'm not wearing that shit."

Grunge shook his head and sighed, "I just don't get it. Why would anybody kill Timmy?"

General Disk Error and Kivudet looked at him "Damn it, Grunge, you're a jew," they said together.

Kivudet explained, "If you bothered to read his entry, you'd know it's obviously BIGGAYDAN out to prove to Timmy what happens when homosexuality.. bum bum bum GOES WRONG! But, that's right, you're poor and you don't have a computer."

The General said, "BIGGAYDAN killed Timmy pretty much as 'BIGGAYDAN Strikes Back' said he would. Show up at his door right after he finished the entry, and kill him by assraping him to death. Which means..."

Kivudet nodded. "We're next."

(BIGGAYDAN Strikes Back, Part II)

Lunch, in your average High School. Where this high school exists, they're not sure. It feels vaguely familiar, like they've been there before. Kivudet, General Disk Error, and Grunge looked at each other. Around them, people they never thought they'd see again. They were in their old lunch spot, a small cubbyhole where lockers were taken out. Kivudet stood against the left wall. TRENTS+EIN sat in the middle of the back wall. General Disk Error sat in the right corner. The Jew sat against the middle of the right wall. Martino sat in the middle of the cubbyhole. Grunge stood at the edge of the cubbyhole, feeling out of place. And in the left corner. Emptiness.

Kivudet spoke, "This isn't right. We're not supposed to be here."

General Disk Error said, "Didn't I graduate?"

They looked at Grunge with wondering eyes, "I'm not supposed to be here, am I? I never ate with you guys."

Then they looked at the corner. Void of Timmy.

General Disk Error's eyes rose. "The funeral. It feels almost like it was a dream."

Having not been present for the past events, TRENT+STEIN, The Jew, and Martino were utterly confused. TRENTS+EIN grew tired of the babbling. "Listen guys, can we try putting a hamster in my pants and seeing which way it runs?"

Kivudet motioned to General Disk Error and put his arm around Grunge, walking out of the cubbyhole. They blended in among the masses.

Again, Kivudet spoke, "I believe we are caught in... well. Something. It's just like the story said. As such, we must assume horror movie logic. General, what was the next thing that was supposed to happen after we left the group and started talking?"

"I believe Grunge was supposed to randomly leave to go pee and..."

They looked around. Grunge was gone.

Kivudet exclaimed, "God damn it, Grunge, you have no life!"

"Well, he does have life, Kivudet. It just won't last that long. I should have gone to the bathroom on this floor, let's go there."

In the first floor bathroom, Grunge was taking one of the best pisses of his life.

"Oh god, why did I hold it in while they were looking at each other?"

An ominous voice spoke from behind Grunge, "Your hair. It's so long. Your face, it has.. hair.. And that ass. Oh, that ass. You're such a Timmy."

Grunge didn't know who was talking. "Uh. Who's there? Hey man, don't talk to me while I'm taking a whiz, that's not right!"

"You're going to die, Timmy."

"I'm not Timmy. Timmy's dead."

"And you will be, too."

Still pissing, BIGGAYDAN reached around Grunge and grabbed his weiner. In one solid pull, he yanked his weiner straight out of his body. Blood gushed out of where Grunge's weiner used to be. He reflexively grabbed his crotch and fell to the ground in pool of blood. BIGGAYDAN looked at Grunge's weiner and started nibbling on it.

Kivudet and General Disk Error were already on their way when they heard the screams. But, it was too late. They found their fallen comrade in a pool of blood, unconscious and turning white. They kicked him, hoping to get one last word out of him. Nothing.

The two returned to the cubbyhole.

"Grunge is dead." Kivudet announced.

TRENTS+EIN stood up. "Okay, first you guys get all, weird on us because Timmy isn't here today, and now you're telling me Grunge just died in the bathroom. Tell me, who's going to die next, me?"

General Disk Error answered the question, "Actually no, BIGGAYDAN kills the two jews first. He already got Grunge. The Jew is supposed to die during The Big Parade."

The Jew was naturally shocked at this turn of events, "What, I'm going to DIE?!"

Kivudet patted The Jew on the back. "Oh, quiet, you jew. You jews should be used to dying in large numbers."

Martino decided to make his presence known, "Hey um. Shouldn't we be mourning the loss of Grunge?"

Kivudet smiled evilly. "I want you to be General Disk Error's personal bodyguard."

"Uh, okay!"

General whispered to Kivudet, That isn't in the script at all.

Precisely, do you want to die now or later?

Kivudet looked up and paused. "Ever notice how Zombywoof looks like that guy from Student Bodies who has that thing for sleeping with his testicles between Horsehead Bookends."

General Disk Error thought for a second, "Wait, only you and Timmy saw that movie."

"Oh yeah. Timmy. Shouldn't we be planning some way of not getting killed that wasn't in the original script?"

Trent reiterated his original outburst, "What original script?"

Kivudet rolls his eyes. "Didn't you read Part I? Timmy wrote a story, and BIGGAYDAN is fulfilling it. Now, he's already killed Timmy and Grunge. The Jew is next to die, at The Big Parade. I know General Disk Error dies during The Big Game, TRENTS+EIN dies during The Big Prom. Martino dies during The Big Gang Bang. And.. of course. I die during The BIGGAYDAN."

They all pause to think. Beyond them, Grunge's bloody carcass is being hauled away on a stretcher. They don't notice. The Jew pointed his finger, as if concluding something.

"We should just do what we were going to do anyway, because we're aaaalllllll going to die and there's nothing we can do about it."

Kivudet grinned, "That's actually not a bad idea."

(BIGGAYDAN Strikes Back, Part III: The Big Parade)

The sun shined brightly upon a group of teenagers. Kivudet raised his hand to block the light and orientate himself. Outside, obviously. General Disk Error stood to his left and TRENTS+EIN to his right. He looked at them, then behind himself. Martino was right behind him. They seemed to be in a massive crowd of people.

Kivudet sighed, "Okay, where's The Jew?"

All the people seemed to be orientated in one direction, so Kivudet pushed people aside to try and get somewhere.

"The Big Parade."

The scene didn't seem to be from any place they had visited before. Almost like a street out of Animal House. Masses of people. Random floats.

General Disk Error snapped his fingers. "Oh daRn, he's dead."

TRENTS+EIN poked the General, "He's on The JewMobile."

"You didn't read the script."

"Do I need to? It's so predictable. Odds are, if we walk against the flow of the parade, we'll run into him eventually dancing like a hawaiian dancer with coconuts for tits."

Kivudet smirked, "Okay. Let's.. walk.. this way.." He lead the group into the street. Pretending to be a politician, he smiled and waved at the people. Martino walked uncomfortably in the open air.

"OH MY GOD, IS THAT HIM?" A feminine voice got their attention. "MARTINO, WE LOVE YOU, LET US IN YOUR PANTS!" A mass of females engulfed Martino and dragged him away.

General Disk Error chuckled, "At least one of us will get some action before we all die."

They walked, passing forgetable floats. And then they saw him. Dressed as a Hawaiian Dancer with... coconut tits. The Jew danced and shook his ass as if people would be attracted to it. Strangely, the crowd cheered as he passed. "JEW! JEW! JEW!" Our soon-to-be-dead heros yelled at The Jew to get his attention. He seemed to be in his own world.

The JewMobile was just passing by them when an ominous hand reached for The Jew's leg. The Jew didn't see it and accidentally stepped on it. BIGGAYDAN fell off the far side of the float. "AH, GOD DAMN IT, YOU FUCKING JEW, YOU STEPPED ON MY UBERWACKOFFMUSCLES!"

TRENTS+EIN smiled. "Let me handle this." TRENTS+EIN ran ahead, while Kivudet and General Disk Error trailed him. They caught up with him on the other side of The JewMobile, which was still driving on in the parade. TRENTS+EIN smiled evilly and put his foot on the now fully hog-tied BIGGAYDAN. "I don't know what you guys are so afraid of."

General Disk Error was utterly confused, "Okay, where's you get the rope?"

TRENTS+EIN shook his head. "Same place this entire parade came from. Horror movie logic, you know." He paused and looked at the now diffused BIGGAYDAN. "Um. What do we do with him?"

Kivudet nudged General Disk Error and they lifted BIGGAYDAN so he was standing on his knees. Hog-tied, after all. There was a ball-gag in BIGGAYDAN's mouth. Kivudet removed it and looked him in the eyes. BIGGAYDAN was naturally furious.

"YOU FUCKING TIMMY, IMMA KILL YOU!"

Kivudet put the ball-gag back into his mouth. "Okay, it's clear we're not going to get much out of him. Any ideas what we should do with him?" BIGGAYDAN continued to writhe and moan, as if he wanted to say something.

General Disk Error moved Kivudet aside and said to BIGGAYDAN, "Now, Mister BIGGAYDAN, I'd just like to know, is there any way we can not die?" He removed the ball gag.

"Look behind you."

Naturally, the three of them all looked behind them. When they turned their attention to BIGGAYDAN, he was gone.

"Fucking horror movie logic." Kivudet sighed.

They looked around them, as if BIGGAYDAN had randomly wiggled away. Nowhere to be seen. They looked towards the crowd of people to the side of the street. Randomly, Martino burst forth with tattered clothes and messed up hair.

"God damn, I love this movie."

TRENTS+EIN patted Martino on the back. "BIGGAYDAN was that good, eh?"

A disgusted face formed on Martino. "No man. You wouldn't BELIEVE what happened to me..."

Kivudet cut him off, "GOOD, then we don't need to hear it."

A scream got their attention. From the JewMobile, which was now much farther down along the road. BIGGAYDAN was behind The Jew, and had just taken a big bite out of his right arm.

General Disk Error looked confused, "I didn't know BIGGAYDAN was a cannibal..."

The four of them ran towards The Jew. The crowd of people onlooking the parade seemed impervious to the screams coming from him. The Jew wasn't doing much to fight off BIGGAYDAN, beyond screaming and randomly flinging his arms. He felt like he was being felt up in all his private places.

Eventually, the screams stopped. The four reached The JewMobile and climbed on top. They looked at their fallen Jew. He had a big vacancy of flesh on his right arm, where BIGGAYDAN bite him. But, other than that, he seemed fine. He openned his eyes.

"Come on, guys, help me up."

Kivudet and company looked at each other, confused. "Shouldn't you be dead?" They helped him up, and looked at the missing part of his arm. TRENTS+EIN scratched his head.

Martino said, "Hey, maybe we all won't all die!"

The General paused. "Wait, what's that ticking sound?"

At that moment, The Jew's coconut breasts exploded, along with a bomb planted up his ass, completely annihilating him. The four fell down from the impact of the explosion. Kivudet wiped the carnage off his face. "Arrr, I be covered in JewBlood. Well, I suppose people in my family are used to that." The explosion also magically stopped the parade, as if everything else wasn't suspicious enough.

The four were absolutely drenched in JewBlood. Slowly, they began to stand. TRENTS+EIN, not bothering to wipe the bit of intenstines off his glasses, wondered around, "Hey. Who's supposed to die next?"

Kivudet rose and looked at General Disk Error, "You. During The Big Game."

(BIGGAYDAN Strikes Back, Part IV: The Big Game)

A chilly fall evening. Your average High School football field. Your average football crowd. Your average football announcer.

"Hi folks, I'd like to welcome everybody to the game where our team is going to take on our cross-town rivals. Us versus them. Also, I'd like to wish luck to the four teens who are trying to not get killed by BIGGAYDAN. You kids have fun, now!"

Kivudet, General Disk Error, TRENTS+EIN, and Martino found themselves sitting next to each other in the stands. They looked at each other and acknowledged that nobody was missing. Yet. Kivudet chuckled, "Timmy hated football..."

A naked girl walking up the stairs noticed Martino. "OH MY GOD, MARTINO! FUCK MEEE!!"

Martino stood up and bolted in the other direction. "Uh, sorry guys, I gotta run!" A herd of naked girls randomly appeared and ran after him, with their boobies bouncing with each step. Kivudet chuckled to himself how Timmy would have enjoyed such a sight.

With Martino out of sight, General Disk Error took a deep breath. "So. I'm going to die."

Kivudet smirked, "Yes. Yes, you are." He sarcastically patted him on the back. "Anybody see BIGGAYDAN?"

They didn't see BIGGAYDAN, but he was right in front of them. No, not the seat in front of them. In the game. Playing for Our Hometown Heros. The name on the back of his uniform even said "BIGGAYDAN". He spotted the three youths sitting in the stands. He felt a pain in his chest and clenched his fist. Die.. Timmy... scum...

While General Disk Error looked furiously around him for signs of assassination, Kivudet flagged down a guy selling hot dogs. The General looked at him, annoyed. "How can you think of food at a time like this?"

"Hey, if I'm going down, I'm going down on a full stomach. Want me to get you anything?"

"No, thanks..."

TRENTS+EIN addressed the wandering vendor. "Hey, do you have any really big blocks of cheese?" The vendor paused for a moment, then reached into his pocket and pulled out a plastic-wrapped block of cheese. TRENTS+EIN shook his head, "I was just asking if you had any, I never said I wanted any." Humiliated, the vendor walked off.

TRENTS+EIN paused for a moment, then spoke, "There's still something I don't get. Why'd he kill The Jew? He's not all that Timmyish."

The General answered, "I don't know, Timmy looks pretty Jewish, sometimes."

"Aye." Kivudet agreed.

The General looked around himself, uncomfortably. "We should keep a lookout for him. If we can see him, he can't ki.."

Unfortunately, at that moment, a football gored right through the General, splaying his midsection and smashing through his spine. Naturally, this caused his head to explode, raining brains on everybody within a ten seat radius.

The announcer boomed, "That has to be the worst pass I've ever seen. Ever." While TRENTS+EIN looked at the gapping hole in the General's corpse and his missing cranium, Kivudet bothered to look down on the field. He spotted BIGGAYDAN, foaming at the mouth. BIGGAYDAN saw Kivudet looking at him, and flipped him off.

Martino wandered back, with tattered clothes and messed up hair. "God damn, guys, you wouldn't believe it if.. Holy shit, he's dead!"

(BIGGAYDAN Strikes Back, Part V: The Big Prom)

The blasting of Metallica drowned out most conversations. They were in the middle of a mosh pit, apparently. Kivudet spotted the band on stage, and went in the opposite direction. Clear, he saw TRENTS+EIN and Martino sitting at a table. He grabbed a chair and sat down. He noticed TRENTS+EIN and Martino wearing tuxedos. He was wearing one, himself.

"So. This must be The Big Prom."

"Sure looks like it." Martino spotted a girl coming his way. "Um. Yeah, you know what happens by now."

Kivudet watched Martino run off as a herd of girls chased him. "You're going to die, TRENTS+EIN. Do you fear death?"

TRENTS+EIN was busy eating some food that was sitting on the table. He swallowed what he was eating. "Well, ever since my near-death experience, I've been really free."

Kivudet nodded. He looked around, wondering from what direction BIGGAYDAN would strike.

TRENTS+EIN continued his thought, "For example, I don't watch my weight anymore. I don't really care how many calories is in this chocolate cake. Mmm, damn this is good stuff."

Kivudet looked at TRENTS+EIN. "TRENTS+EIN, where's your insulin?"

He looked up. "Holy shit, I don't know!" He began to cry and flung himself onto the table, narrowly missing the chocolate cake. "I'm going to die a slow, horrible, painful death!"

"Not if I the DOUBLEDONGOFVENGEANCE can help it." BIGGAYDAN appeared and smacked TRENTS+EIN on the back of the head with his DOUBLEDONGOFVENGEANCE. He grabbed TRENTS+EIN by the hair and dragged him off. Kivudet paused. Does he really want to save TRENTS+EIN? He looked at the chocolate cake TRENTS+EIN was eating. He pulled it towards himself and started eating it.

Martino appeared, with his tuxedo tattered and his hair messed up. He stumbled over to Kivudet and sat down. He was out of breath. "He.. phew. um. You'll..."

"Never believe what happened?"

"Yeah.. Hey, where's TRENTS+EIN?"

"Oh, BIGGAYDAN dragged him away. He'll be dead, soon."

"Why didn't you go after him?"

"Do I look like a hero to you?"

Martino nodded. He noticed the chocolate cake and started eating it with a fork. He started sniffing the air. "Do you smell that?"

"Smells like something's burning."

Right then, TRENTS+EIN's flaming body fell from the ceiling and onto the table. (Making the chocolate cake now inedible.) Kivudet and Martino almost fell backwards trying to get away. They noticed his arms and legs where missing. The flames set off the sprinkler system, which sprayed blood on everybody.

Kivudet looked at Martino. "I believe Timmy would have said something to the effect of.. 'Damn. That shit's wack."

(BIGGAYDAN Strikes Back, Part VI: The Big GangBang)

"OH GOD, MARTINO! WE LOVE YOU!!!" Before he could even orientate himself, a herd of naked girls had surrounded him. And Kivudet, as well.

"You know, Martino, I never bothered asking. What does happen when they drag you away?"

The girls grabbed Martino's limbs and lifted him into midair. Kivudet followed him on foot.

"Well, I randomly appear on the set of a porno and they force me to have unprotected sex with all of them. It's humiliating!"

Kivudet smiled. "Oh yes, I hate it when girls force their pussies onto my cock." Kivudet just then noticed they were on the set of a porno. Cameras. A bed. An vats and vats of lube.

The director sat facing away from them, but spoke, "Tie the short-haired one down to the ground. Let the long-haired one go, I'll deal with him later."

Heeding the advice of BIGGAYDAN, Kivudet bolted out of there. BIGGAYDAN got up from the director's chair and looked over the now-naked Martino, who was being tied to the cement floor.

"Oh, poor Timmy. Such a trial for you to have all these girls who want to suck your dick."

"Um. Mister BIG and GAYDAN, can we talk this over?"

"Oh, sure, you can handle pussy. But, can you handle cock?"

Martino looked around him. The girls that were fondling him before had now turned into males. Not just any males. BIGGAY males.

"But.. there's so many.. of me.." BIGGAYDAN laughed. "I killed you before my assraping you. This time, I believe you shall drown to death."

"..Drown?" Martino sniffled, aware that his end was near.

"Yes. Drown. In.. CUM!!!!"

"That's pretty gay."

The BIGGAYDANs spoke together. "Yes. That is pretty gay. We are BIG. We are GAY. We are DAN. We are the BIGGAYDAN."

The BIGGAYDANs began stroking their GIANTMANCOCKS with their UBERWACKOFFMUSCLES. Martino screamed, but it was quickly snuffed as a BIGGAYGAN put his GIANTMANCOCK in his mouth. Jets of semen were already landing on Martino. The BIGGAYDANs took turns choking him with their GIANTMANCOCKS and ramming their GIANTMANCOCKS up his TINYPINKANUS. Martino became delirious and unable to think properly, eventually just becoming a zombie.

Eventually, he was horribly covered in cum. His ass had blood mixed with semen coming out of it. He had broken a few teeth taking BIGGAYDAN's GIANTMANCOCKS. Not an inch on his body was free of semen. He couldn't see, because there was a pool of cum in his eyes. For the grand finale, BIGGAYDAN put a ballgag in his mouth, without an airhole. Then they gathered around Martino and began cumming up his noise. He twitched and spazzed, unable to breath through the stickie substance. As more cum invaded his nasal cavity, his spazzings calmed and eventually stopped.

"The ManWhore is dead," BIGGAYDAN said to himself, "One left..."

(BIGGAYDAN Strikes Back, Part VII: The BIGGAYDAN)

Kivudet found himself in the entryway of Timmy's Mansion. So far, the sole survivor of a GAYMADMAN. He turned around and saw the front door was closed. He went towards it and checked to see if it was locked. It was. He pondered what to do with himself. He knew he'd be dead by the end of this entry. Or so it was written.

"There's a GAYMADMAN out to kill me. There's only one thing to do: Take a shower."

He went upstairs and into his room. He disrobed and grabbed a towel. He locked the door to his room, made sure his windows were locked, then went into his private bathroom, locking the door behind himself. He checked that the window was locked and closed the shades, out of fear that he might have a BIGGAYSTALKER. He tossed the towel onto the counter and entered the luxurious shower. So luxurious, Timmy designed it himself.

"Oh, hi Cliff!"

"Hi girls. And guys. Um. The usual."

The shower was actually a rather large room with jets of water coming out of places. Timmy calculated that at least thirty people could shower in it without assistance. Kivudet closed his eyes and let the hot girls and boys run their soapy hands across his body. He let himself relax. Death? What's that?

He didn't notice a naked BIGGAYDAN coming up behind him, carrying the DOUBLEDONGOFVENGEANCE. BIGGAYDAN pushed the drones aside and hit Kivudet on the shoulder. He fell to the ground, thinking he was fatally injured.

"OW OW OH SHIT I'M DEAD THE PAIN.. Wait. That barely hurt." Kivudet got up and faced the dripping wet and nude BIGGAYDAN. "You're pretty gay."

"Yes..."

"Well, see you around."

Kivudet quickly walked out of the shower, avoiding an embarassing slipping on the shower floor. BIGGAYDAN followed him. Kivudet turned to face BIGGAYDAN as BIGGAYDAN exited the shower. He thought about his options. A thrilling chase through the Timmy Mansion, while being completely naked.

"You know what, BIGGAYDAN? Fuck you, you're not killing me." To prove his point, Kivudet threw himself against the window, blasting through and falling to the ground. He crashed onto the ground with glass everywhere. BIGGAYDAN looked out through the window and saw his naked ass lying on the ground. Using his BIGGAYPOWERS, he jumped down and landed onto the ground without effort.

Kivudet quickly realized he wasn't dead. "Aw shit." He also realized that, aside from the pain of landing, he didn't have any broken bones. "Fucking horror movie logic." He stood up, and noticed he was bleeding profusely from many places, as the glass had sliced him. BIGGAYDAN lumbered towards him. "You're not killing me."

He ran his naked, bleeding ass away from BIGGAYDAN. How to kill himself, he wondered. He ran towards the far fence, with BIGGAYDAN not far behind. He took a big breath and put his hands onto the fence. "AAAHHHGHHGGHHSGHHAAHAHGHGHGHGH" Successfully electrocuting himself, Kivudet fell to the ground. He openned his eyes, noticing that he wasn't dead yet. "Fucking Timmy not making the fence strong enough."

BIGGAYDAN stood over him, his GIANTMANCOCK taunting him. They looked at each other. Trapped against the fence, Kivudet had a single option. He reached up and grabbed BIGGAYDAN'S balls. "Ahhhooowwwwwww.." Using his balls to help himself up, Kivudet rose and ran away from BIGGAYDAN. He ran as fast as his naked ass would go. So fast he didn't see a tree root in the ground. He tripped on it and went flying into a steak that was randomly in the ground. Going right through his heart, he was completely impaled. "Aww awww steak through heart ahhh random.. spazzing.. death..." He stopped twitching and lay slain.

BIGGAYDAN looked over Kivudet's corpse. He smiled. He laughed. "They're dead!! Yes!! They're finally all dead!! I win!! BIGGAYDAN is the winner!!!" He started dancing in victory.

"Not exactly."

BIGGAYDAN turned to face the voice. "..No. It can't be." The pain in BIGGAYDAN's chest grew.

"It is."

"I killed you, Timmy..."

BIGGAYDAN clenched his fist. His eyes widened and his brought his fist to his chest. His naked body falls over with a grunt.

"I so foreshadowed that he'd have a heart attack." Timmy snaps his fingers. The steak disappeared from Kivudet's chest, and he rises, apparently alive. And clothed, too. The rest of his formly slain buddies fall from the sky, unscathed. Kivudet walks over to the now dead BIGGAYDAN and lightly kicks him, as if checking to make sure he doesn't come back to life. He looks at Timmy and shakes his head. Timmy says to him, "Never kill yourself in a story unless you randomly write yourself back into it. Duh."

CAST

Starring

Edward Norton as BIGGAYDAN

Timmy as Timmy

and all Timmy's friends as themselves.