BIGGAYDAN Enters THEREPUBLICANMATRIX. in The Official BIGGAYDAN Archive.

BIGGAYDAN Enters THEREPUBLICANMATRIX, Part I - 6/23/2003, Part II - 6/27/2003, Part III - 6/28/2003, Part IV - 6/28/2003, Part V - 7/11/2003, Part VI - 10/25/2003

BIGGAYDAN is running, but he doesn't know where. Following him is a hoard of BIGGAYMEN. There seem to be millions of them. He stops. Off in the distance, he sees more BIGGAYMEN coming his way. They're all naked, and fully aroused, with GIANTMANCOCKS that can compete with BIGGAYDAN'S own. BIGGAYDAN is naked, too, but he doesn't know why.

They're closing on him. Few seconds, and the hoards of BIGGAYMEN and their GIANTMANCOCKS will be on BIGGAYDAN's TIGHTPINKANUS. He clenched his TIGHTPINKANUS instinctively. The jig was up. He was completely outnumbered. He knew what he had to do, but he didn't want to do it. He scanned the scene of naked men one more time.

Openning his mouth, he let out a battle cry, "I AM A FLAMING HOMOSEXUAL! I am Big. I am Gay. I am obviously Dan. I am... BIGGAYDAN!"

BIGGAYDAN wakes up, sweating profusely. He had that dream again. The one where he declares his gayness. "Maybe if I slept near my INSANELYHOTGIRLFRIEND's PERFECTLYROUNDBOOBIES, I wouldn't have these dreams." He rubbed his hands across his face, letting reality sink back into himself. He glanced at the clock. "Four."

He laid back and stared at the ceiling, a full-length naked photo of his INSANELYHOTGIRLFRIEND. "That dream seemed so real." He pondered the BIGGAYMEN chasing him. He looked down at his GIANTMANCOCK. Yup, he leaked a lot of precum during the dream. "No point in letting it GOTO waste..." He scooped the stinky fluid off his leg and rubbed it over his cock. He used his UBERWACKOFFMUSCLES to make his GIANTMANCCOCK grow. He was just about to close his eyes and moan gently like something out of a porno when he noticed something odd on his computer screen.

Not just a cock. Not just a giant cock. Not just a man cock. A GIANTMANCOCK. His stroking of his own GIANTMANCOCK slowed. How'd that get there? The screen flickered the cock a few times, then showed another cock. BIGGAYDAN rose from his bed, with his GIANTMANCOCK jutting out obscenely in front of him. He sat at his computer and moved the mouse, thinking it was some sort of sick screensaver trick. "What the fuck?" The screen went black again. Then text came up.

"Good morning, BIGGAYDAN."

BIGGAYDAN saw a blinking cursor and wondered if he could type back. He assumed there had to be a logical explanation for this. He silently cursed when he noticed his GIANTMANCOCK was shrinking. How he loved admiring his GIANTMANCOCK. He began typing, thinking that if he stayed calm, he could retain his sanity.

"LISTEN, MOTHERFUCKER, WHO THE HELL ARE YOU AND HOW DID YOU GET IN MY COMPUTER?"

Calm, indeed, he concluded.

"You are in danger, BIGGAYDAN. All your base are belong to THEREPUBLICANMATRIX."

Like the movie? BIGGAYDAN thought.

"If this is you, Timmy, I'm going to castrate you. I'M SICK and TIRED of your BIGGAYGAMES."

He didn't really think it was Timmy. But, who else did he know who could pull this off?

"Timmy loves you. Follow the butt plug."

The screen went black again. He hit some keys on the keyboard, but nothing was echoed. He held the power button on his computer to restart it. It restarted as usual, Windows and all. He slumped back in his chair and idlely held his now shrunken GIANTMANCOCK. Follow the butt plug? You've gotta be kidding me.

For a moment, BIGGAYDAN silently stroked his GIANTMANCOCK, watching it grow from his stroking. He flexed his UBERWACKOFFMUSCLES and wondered if he'd rupture a blood vessel if he stroked too hard.

knock knock knock

"BIGGAYDAN, there's some boys at the door for you," his mom called, "Please tell them to go away, I have to listen to people bitch all day, I don't need to listen to them."

BIGGAYDAN looked down and noticed that he had a really big THUNDEROUSERECTION. You went down fast before... He ignored his GIANTMANCOCK and tossed some shorts and a shirt on, with his THUNDEROUSERECTION poking a tent in the fabric. He walked to the front door, wondering who it could be.

"HIII!!! HAVE YOU FOUND JESUS?"

A couple wearing "WE LOVE JESUS" shirts stared at BIGGAYDAN. BIGGAYDAN's mom hated dealing with these types. She always had BIGGAYDAN deal with them. He handled this as he always dealt with it.

"Yes, I have in fact found Jesus. I'm surprised you haven't."

The couple seemed surprised and saddened. Probably because BIGGAYDAN had found Jesus and they hadn't. BIGGAYDAN was ready for his follow-up when he noticed something in the man's shirt-pocket. It couldn't be. Could it?

"Excuse me, fellow JESUSLOVER, what is that you have in your pocket?"

The JESUSLOVER pulled the object out of his pocket, revealing it to be something that looked oddly like...

"It's a butt plug. Oh, I'm sorry, we should have been more specific when we did our introduction. We believe that Jesus was gay, and loved having lots of HOTGAYSEX."

BIGGAYDAN blinked, dumbfounded. This just keeps getting better..., BIGGAYDAN thought to himself.

(Part II)
BIGGAYDAN decided to follow the lead of the butt plug. All he had to do was follow these JESUSFREAKS.

"Oh, JESUS. I thought you said He-Zeus. I'm sorry, I have all their action figures."

Again, the JESUSFREAKS were confused.

"We're sorry, we've never heard of He-Ze.."

"Oh, it's okay. Listen, I'm not doing anything. Wanna go BIGGAYJESUSHUNTING?"

The JESUSFREAKS shrugged. "I don't know, man, only if you're paying. Wait, what kind of Jesus are you into?"

Now BIGGAYDAN was confused. Again. "The kind that gets resurrected?"

The JESUSFREAKS smiled. "Didn't we make it clear when we explained the butt plug? We're a big fan of Jesus Fucking Christ, the porn star. We have reason to believe he's starred in a few gay porns, but we're still in search of obtaining them. What are you, some kind of JESUSFREAK?"

Eventually, the confusion subsided and they were on their way to a sex shop the JESUSFREAKS had never been to. In search of Jesus Fucking Christ. Despite the fact that the sun was about to come up soon. "This sex shop is special", the one JESUSFREAK justified. BIGGAYDAN was expecting a small little shack. What he saw was a mini Las Vagas. Neon boobies lit up the sky. Giant video screens playing pornos illuminated the early morning. BIGGAYDAN heard nothing but the distinct moaning of a girl orgasming. And he could swear he smelled pussy.

"We're going to go find Jesus!", the JESUSFREAKS told BIGGAYDAN, "If you wanna help, go ahead. I heard there's a querky gal in the nudie booths. Just ask for The Enchanter."

BIGGAYDAN wandered into the sex shop, noting how his DOUBLEDONGOFJUSTICE was of superior quality to the flimsy products displayed. He thought about getting a STEELCOCKRING for his GIANTMANCOCK, but decided against it. He noticed the back passageway to the nudie booths. There was a heavy-set man standing there. Bouncer, BIGGAYDAN reasoned. He decided to go for the direct approach.

"I'm looking for The Enchanter."

The bouncer almost laughed.

"..The Enchanter? Ha ha. We get people coming in here all the time to see him. Er, her. Well. He's sorta a she. And she's sorta a he."

"Uhh. Where is she? Or he?"

"You know where he is. But, I must ask you three questions first. What is your name, BIGGAYDAN?"

"My name is.. you just said my name, it's BIGGAYDAN!"

"What is your quest?"

"I.. I don't have a fucking clue? You think I know why I'm at a sex shop in the dead of the morning?"

"What is your favorite color?"

"See, Timmy doesn't know that, so he can't add that to the plotline. I think he wants me to pretend it's the color of cock."

The bouncer paused for a second. "You may pass."

"But, where do I go?"

"You already know where to go. You've made the choice already, BIGGAYDAN. You just have to make it."

Thoroughly confused, BIGGAYDAN went onward into the NUDIEBOOTHDUNGEON. Another BIGGAYMALE behind BIGGAYDAN moved forward to the bouncer.

"Yeah, is Scary Mary in tonight?"

"What is your name?"

"I don't have a name, this is an utterly pointless scene which does nothing to further the plot in any way."

"What is your quest?"

"To be scared out of my wits by Scary Mary."

"What is your favorite color?"

The nameless man smiled. "I love the cool refreshing color of cock in the morning."

The bouncer paused for a second. A blast of wind later, the nameless man's clothes was ripped away and replaced with kinky bondage gear, the kind Bang Bang Bruce wears. Some girls in Domintrix outfits grabbed him, and he was taken away. He screamed, "I mean, wait, I love yellow! I love the color yellow!"

The bouncer chuckled to himself. "These kids have got to stop lying. I hate to see them dressed up in that rediculous bondage gear." When he felt the wind, he realized what he had said. "Oh shit." His clothes were replaced with Bang Bang Bruce style bondage gear in an instant. Domintrixes grabbed him and hauled him away. "Okay, I like seeing them get hauled away! But. Ow, I DON'T WANT A BUTT PLUG!.."

(Part III)

BIGGAYDAN entered the passageway behind the bouncer and found himself in a long, seemingly endless hallway, with doors on both sides. He walked slowly, without knowing where he was going. He looked behind himself and noticed both directions looked identical. Great. Where the fuck do I go? For lack of anything else to do, he picked a direction and walked, hoping he would feel some sort of inspiration.

He thought her heard something. He stopped. Yes, he definitely heard something. It sounded like orgasmic moaning. This is turning out to be one BIGGAYADVENTURE... He kept walking, and the noise got loader. Loader. He could tell which door it was coming from. He turned to face the door. In addition to the moaning, he heard a voice, "Oh yeah, baby, whooo's your Timmy!!" Great. Just what I need. He walked in the door and out of the hallway...

And onto a hardcore porn shooting. BIGGAYDAN looked behind himself and the doorway was gone. BIGGAYDAN saw someone who looked oddly like Timmy pointing at a guy's penis as the penis shot semen across the room into the mouth of a hot girl. Geez, I usually just dribble all over myself. The scene ended and Timmy said "CUT! Okay, that was a good shoot. Definitely a keeper." Timmy, almost noticing BIGGAYDAN's presence, turned to face BIGGAYDAN. "Ah, BIGGAYDAN! I've been expecting you. It's time for your premier!

BIGGAYDAN was once again confused. "Uh, what?"

Timmy clapped twice, "Girls, get him naked and get the camera's ready." Again, he addressed BIGGAYDAN, "I am Timmy the Enchanter." Timmy pointed to the girls approaching BIGGAYDAN. Immediately, they grabbed their crotches and fell to the ground in orgasmic bliss. He pointed to one of the cameramen. His penis immediately erected and shot semen across the room. Timmy continued to randomly point around the room until everybody except for him and BIGGAYDAN had experience a mind-blowing orgasm.

"Alright everybody, take a post-orgasm break. I'll be back in five minutes."

Timmy put his arm around BIGGAYDAN and walked him off the set. There was a door that said, "Timmy's Private Office." Timmy pushed the door open and they walked in. Timmy took a seat behind his desk. He motioned to a chair in front of the desk. BIGGAYDAN took a seat.

"So, BIGGAYDAN, surprised to see me?"

"Not really. Why do you have to keep picking on me? I'm not gay!"

"Of course you're not. Listen, BIGGAYDAN. You are in danger. THEREPUBLICANMATRIX has you, and wants to shut you down."

"...Shut me down?"

"Believe me, BIGGAYDAN, if I let them have you, you'll wish you could have me torment you. Nevermind me."

"Wait, didn't the bouncer say you were a she?"

"Ah, you haven't seen all of my powers."

A flash of bright white light eminated from Timmy. BIGGAYDAN was shocked.

"Holy shit dude, you have boobies!"

"Oh, I've got more than boobies. I always said that if I was a girl, I'd want everything that comes alone with it. Do you have any idea how many toys they have? We're getting ripped!"

"Uh. Dude, you're buttfucking nuts."

Another flash of white light. Timmy returned to "normal".

"Nevermind me, BIGGAYDAN. I'm here to save you from THEREPUBLICANMATRIX."

"Wait, why would THEREPUBLICANMATRIX care about me? I'm not a hacker!"

"You've been watching too many movies, BIGGAYDAN. You're far too gay for those Republicans, BIGGAYDAN."

Timmy reached down to his bottom drawer and pulled it open. He reached in and picked out an item. He placed a small pink butt plug to BIGGAYDAN's left. He reached in and pulled out another object, and pushed the drawer shut. He placed a black double-dong to BIGGAYDAN's right. BIGGAYDAN recognized the object from the other Adventures of BIGGAYDAN.

"The DOUBLEDONGOFJUSTICE."

"Very good, BIGGAYDAN. You have a choice, BIGGAYDAN. But, you've already made that choice. All you have to do is make it. If you shove this small pink butt plug up your TIGHTPINKANUS, you will wake up in your bed and you will have to relive this until you choose the DOUBLEDONGOFJUSTICE. If you shove the DOUBLEDONGOFJUSTICE up your ass, all will become clear, and your life will never be the same again."

BIGGAYDAN paused.

"Listen, you might have been able to get me in the past, but I want nothing to do with THEREPUBLICANMATRIX."

BIGGAYDAN stood up and grabbed the pink butt plug. Timmy smiled. "You will come around, BIGGAYDAN. You've already made your choice. You will choose it eventually. See you soon."

"Fuck you, Timmy."

BIGGAYDAN pulled the back of his pants down and shoved the small pink butt plug up his bum.

BIGGAYDAN is running, but he doesn't know where. Following him is a hoard of BIGGAYMEN. There seem to be millions of them. He stops. Off in the distance, he sees more BIGGAYMEN coming his way. They're all naked, and fully aroused, with GIANTMANCOCKS that can compete with BIGGAYDAN'S own. BIGGAYDAN is naked, too, but he doesn't know why.

They're closing on him. Few seconds, and the hoards of BIGGAYMEN and their GIANTMANCOCKS will be on BIGGAYDAN's TIGHTPINKANUS. He clenched his TIGHTPINKANUS instinctively. The jig was up. He was completely outnumbered. He knew what he had to do, but he didn't want to do it. He scanned the scene of naked men one more time.

Openning his mouth, he let out a battle cry, "I AM A FLAMING HOMOSEXUAL! I am Big. I am Gay. I am obviously Dan. I am... BIGGAYDAN!"

BIGGAYDAN wakes up, sweating profusely. He had that dream again. The one where he declares his gayness. "Maybe if I slept near my INSANELYHOTGIRLFRIEND's PERFECTLYROUNDBOOBIES, I wouldn't have these dreams." He rubbed his hands across his face, letting reality sink back into himself. He glanced at the clock. "Four."

He stops. Four? Wasn't it just 4 AM not too long ago? It all comes back to him. He looks over at the computer screen. Blank, as he had left it when he had gone to bed. Funny, wasn't there supposed to be... GIANTMANCOCKS began appearing on the screen. Noooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo....... It was happening again. But, what was he supposed to do, take the DOUBLEDONGOFJUSTICE and go along with Timmy's game? He sat at the computer, like he had before. The screen went blank, then a blinking cursor appeared.

"Good morning, BIGGAYDAN."

BIGGAYDAN let out a sigh and typed a reply.

"Hi, how are you?"

"Pretty good. I told you to take the DOUBLEDONGOFJUSTICE."

"I'm not playing your game."

"This isn't a game, BIGGAYDAN. You are in danger, THEREPUBLICANMATRIX has you."

"You're going to tell me to follow the butt plug, like before."

"Actually, no. Don't try to run, or they'll take away your freedom of bipedal motion."

There was a loud knocking on the door.

(Part IV)

"BIGGAYDAN? It's your mother."

Oh good. It's just mom... BIGGAYDAN got some clothes on and openned the door. Behind his mom were three white christian males in black suits and black sunglasses.

One of them spoke, "Mister Anderson, we have a warrent for your.. arrest."

BIGGAYDAN remembered Timmy's warning. He could run. Oh, he could run, what with those orgasmic runs he loves to go on. Freedom of bipedal motion? He slowly walked out of his room. The man who spoke previously put his arm around BIGGAYDAN. "We need to ask you... some questions, Mister Anderson. Come quietly, and we won't have to revoke your freedom of... bipedal motion."

Crap. I should have taken the DOUBLEDONGOFJUSTICE.

BIGGAYDAN was taken to a rather average looking police station. Until he was taken into a white room for questioning. He sat in a cold metal fold-up chair, while the white man sat in a rather comfy black leather chair. He openned a drawer and brought out a rather thick folder. He closed the drawer and addressed BIGGAYDAN.

"I am Republican... Smith, Mister Anderson. We have been following you for quite some... time now. It seems you have commited a number of illegal acts of... sodomy. Many, Mister Anderson. Under the Three Anal Insertion Strikes law, you should have been dead a long time ago."

BIGGAYDAN fidgeted and looked away at the white wall. Somehow, Timmy's life of sodomy seemed a lot more fun than this.

"...Mister Anderson, we are willing to wipe clean the... slate, so to speak... if you... help us. Mister Anderson."

BIGGAYDAN looked at Republican Smith. "What do you want from me?"

"We believe you have already been contacted by one of... them. You know who we're talking about."

Timmy's offer was looking very good right now. He hated his little games, but this seemed rather serious.

"If I knew such people, what would you do with them?"

"That is none of your... concern, Mister Anderson. You lead two lives, Mister Anderson. One of them has a future, one of them does not."

BIGGAYDAN blinked. "My last name isn't Anderson."

"It is, in THEREPUBLICANMATRIX, Mister Anderson. You voted us into office, and now we decide everything. I've decided your name is Mister Anderson. So that is what I shall... call you."

BIGGAYDAN stood up. "I know my rights, I can vote you out of office."

Republican Smith smiled evilly. "Tell me, Mister Anderson. What good is a vote... if nobody counts it?"

BIGGAYDAN'S expression changed from confidence to fear. Republican Smith openned another drawer and brought out a bucket. He dumped out the bucket, spreading cards with holes on the table.

"There was a... difference of opinion in the last election. The dissident disagreed with what we wanted them to believe. We do not need consent, Mister Anderson, we can... manufacture it. We do not need consent from you to make you do what we... want you to do."

"You can't make me do anything."

"It is easier than you... think, Mister Anderson. Voice or no voice, the people can always be brought to the bidding of the leaders. This is easy. All you have to do is tell them they are being attacked, and denounce the pacifists for lack of patriotism and exposing the country to danger. It works the same in every country. You are being attacked, Mister Anderson."

"Oh, and what is attacking me, other than you?"

"High taxes, Mister Anderson."

"Excuse me?"

"You need a tax cut, Mister Anderson."

"I don't need a tax cut."

"Oh, but you do, Mister Anderson."

"How can you give a tax cut to someone that doesn't pay taxes?"

"The same way you give the power to vote to someone who doesn't vote at all. You will cede, Mister Anderson. You will crumble. You will see how rich and powerful us Republicans are. And in that moment of weakness, you will come crawling back to us, begging us for a tax cut. Vote Republican, Mister Anderson. You want a tax cut, Mister Anderson."

"I DON'T WANT A TAX CUT, I WANT THE GOVERNMENT TO LEAVE ME ALONE!"

"What you want is irrelevant, Mister Anderson, what you've choosen is at hand. You have chosen a lifestyle of deviance, and for this, you must either... help us or... we shall deem you a terrorist and eliminate you."

BIGGAYDAN is running, but he doesn't know where. Following him is a hoard of BIGGAYMEN. There seem to be millions of them. He stops. Off in the distance, he sees more BIGGAYMEN coming his way. They're all naked, and fully aroused, with GIANTMANCOCKS that can compete with BIGGAYDAN'S own. BIGGAYDAN is naked, too, but he doesn't know why.
They're closing on him. Few seconds, and the hoards of BIGGAYMEN and their GIANTMANCOCKS will be on BIGGAYDAN's TIGHTPINKANUS. He clenched his TIGHTPINKANUS instinctively. The jig was up. He was completely outnumbered. He knew what he had to do, but he didn't want to do it. He scanned the scene of naked men one more time.

Openning his mouth, he let out a battle cry, "I AM A FLAMING HOMOSEXUAL! I am Big. I am Gay. I am obviously Dan. I am... BIGGAYDAN!"

BIGGAYDAN wakes up, sweating profusely. He had that dream again. The one where he declares his gayness. He caught himself sooner, this time. Oh crap, this is the second time I've woken up like this. Well, after the first time. He quickly glanced over at the clock. Four AM.

He jumped up out of bed and went to his computer screen. Right on time, GIANTMANCOCKS appeared. He shook the mouse.

"Good morning, BIGGAYDAN."

"Timmy, some Republicans interrogated me."

"I warned you. Don't wait for signs. Hurry here. Timmy loves you."

BIGGAYDAN tried writing a reply, but the screen went dead. He quickly got dressed, for the third time. He went out the door of his room right as his mom was about to knock.

"Honey, there's a couple at the door for you."

"I know, mom. We're going to a sex shop so I can meet with Timmy the Enchanter. I'm not choosing the pink butt plug this time. The Republicans are after me."

(Part V)
BIGGAYDAN went with the JESUSFREAKS just like he had before. He made it past the bouncer, just like he did before. And arrived in a small private room before Timmy the Enchanter.

"BIGGAYDAN, I tried to tell you before. THEREPUBLICANMATRIX has you."

"All I know is that those Republicans freak me out. You tease me, but they seem like a real threat to me. They can take away my right to vote!"

"You will find out soon, BIGGAYDAN. I am only offering you the BIGGAYTRUTH. If you choose the small pink butt plug again, you will have that dream again. But, THEREPUBLICANMATRIX will have you then, and there will be nothing I can do for you. Now, if you shove the DOUBLEDONGOFJUSTICE up your ass, we'll find out just how deep your ass goes."

BIGGAYDAN took a deep breath. The only way is through.. He asked Timmy to avert his eyes as he shimmied down his pants, and he obliged. He pressed the DOUBLEDONGOFJUSTICE up his ass and it slowly penetrated his TIGHTPINKANUS. Up, up and away it went into his ass. He thought it was impossible, but the entire length of the DOUBLEDONGOFJUSTICE went up his ass.

Timmy clapped his hands. "Now's when the fun begins."

init high-tech scene where BIGGAYDAN exits THEREPUBLICANMATRIX

BIGGAYDAN wakes up, surrounded by an unknown liquidy substance. He reachs up, trying to find air. He manages to sit up, and wipes the substance out of his eyes. It's white and creamy, and... oddly the consistency of semen. Holy shit, it is semen! He was about to scream, when he noticed his surroundings. Looking over outside his SEMENPOD, he saw thousands of naked men and women, covered in semen. This is ... so gay.

A machine flies in front of BIGGAYDAN, in midair. Why it doesn't just kill BIGGAYDAN, I have no idea, but it severes the physical connection to THEREPUBLICANMATRIX in the back of his head. All of the cords connected to BIGGAYDAN's spine pop off, convincing BIGGAYDAN that he should have just stayed in bed. Then FLUSH. Down BIGGAYDAN goes, with the semen. He crosses his legs and crosses his arms, like he's going down a waterslide. Wow, if it weren't for those holes in my back, this might be fun.

Splash, BIGGAYDAN ends up in an underground lake. He struggles to swim, but slowly sinks. A spotlight shines in BIGGAYDAN, and a claw reaches into the water to save BIGGAYDAN from drowning in the murky water. He is laid on a table, barely conscious. The Real Slim Timmy, dressed like a pimp, stands over him.

"Am I dead?"

"Far from it. Welcome to the real world, BIGGAYDAN."

Having been in THEREPUBLICANMATRIX, BIGGAYDAN's muscles atrophied. init scene with needles exclusively in BIGGAYDAN's crotch Timmy paces around BIGGAYDAN's naked body. "I want his GIANTMANCOCK as strong as it would have been if he were in THEREPUBLICANMATRIX."

Time passes. BIGGAYDAN wakes up to the post-apocalypic future. He's wearing clean clothes, his hair is long and full of split ends, and he looks like he's never shaved in his life. Disregarding his appearance, he realizes he needs to pee. Seeing only one exit, he gets up and walks to the door. It opens in the middle automatically and the next room is before him. Before him is an open room, apparently a recreation area of some sort. BIGGAYDAN sees Timmy playing pool, surrounded by a couple hot girls. After making a shot, Timmy looks up and sees BIGGAYDAN.

"Ah, you're awake! How's that GIANTMANCOCK of yours?"

"Well uh. I need to pee."

Timmy points, "Try the door labeled MEN'S BATHROOM"

He looks behind him, and see the door next to him is the restroom. "Oh. Thanks." He walks into the bathroom, the door automatically openning before him. He finds a urinal and stands before it. Unzipping his fly, he reaches into his pants and finds his weiner. He pulls it out. That's when he looks down and notices it.

"OH MY GOD I HAVE A FORESKIN!"

Timmy chuckles to himself and hits the cue ball with his stick. BIGGAYDAN peed and came out of the bathroom.

"Okay, now WHY do I have... THAT down there?"

Timmy hits one last shot then puts the stick down to walk over to BIGGAYDAN. With girls still all around him. "Dear BIGGAYDAN, isn't it obvious? You were never circumcized in the first place. Your hair was never cut, either. Same goes for your facial hair. It seems the machines respect the foreskin for what it is: a reproductive device. It's much easier for them to get us to cum with our foreskins than without. Machines can't give good handjobs, apparently."

"Machines, what machines?"

"I suppose I'll show you. Come with me."

Timmy puts his arm around BIGGAYDAN and walks into what seems to be an elevator. All the hot girls follow them and squeeze into the turbolift.

"Hacking Central." BIGGAYDAN glances at Timmy, then at all the hot girls stuffed into the turbolift.

"If you don't mind me asking... How'd you get all these girls?"

All the girls roll their eyes at BIGGAYDAN.

"It's a BIGGAYWORLD, in Zion. On all my previous missions, I've freed straight girls with the promise of fulfilling their every sexual desire. Why? THEREPUBLICANMATRIX can not handle blatant homosexuality. Most homosexuals are either killed at birth, or are in Zion, the last human city. Any homosexuals that are still in THEREPUBLICANMATRIX are still in the closet. I was freed, kind of by mistake. They thought I was gay. I just act gay. I'm.. not. Kind of a unique situation. A straight guy, surrounded by homos. The gay girls like me as a friend, but we all know they'll never like me. I bet if I keep talking, the turbolift will never stop and the doors will never open."

As soon as Timmy stops talking, the turbolift comes to a hault and the doors open. Timmy walks out, and raises his arms. "BIGGAYDAN, welcome to the USS TimmyShip. You know me as Timmy, but here I am Sir Colonel Mick Diddley Quack. TimmyShip is a hovercraft, so to speak. It's five year mission, to explore strange new ways of pleasuring girls, to seek now new boobies, and new Vaginas. To boldly go where no Timmy has gone before." Star Trek theme plays

BIGGAYDAN scanned the room. It looked almost like a sick bay. Several reclining seats with monitors around them. Across from the turbolift was a muscular man staring at several monitors. On the monitors was seemingly random characters streaming from the top to the bottom.

"BIGGAYDAN, you have met none of my crew. Mostly because I saw no reason to write them into the beginning of the story. Well, almost."

Timmy and BIGGAYDAN walked halfway into the room. BIGGAYDAN saw her.

"My INSANELYHOTGIRLFRIEND!"

She turned around and smiled. "BIGGAYDAN!" She rose and hugged him, and they began to do some public displays of affection.

Timmy rolled his eyes. "I know how you can't go five minutes without talking to her. I thought this would make it easier for you to help us. This way, you can be as gay as you want, and still fuck your girlfriend senseless at the end of the day."

"I'm not gay."

"Of course you're not. We'll get to that."

(Part VI)

Timmy motioned to the bed next to where INSANELYHOTGIRLFRIEND was. BIGGAYDAN shrugged and laid down. Timmy laid down in the bed next to BIGGAYDAN. He began to wonder what was going on. "Hey, what is thi..." A large cord was shoved into BIGGAYDAN'S spine.

BIGGAYDAN is standing in whiteness. All around him, a plane of white. Timmy is in front of him, with different clothes on.

"What is THEREPUBLICANMATRIX, BIGGAYDAN? Control, BIGGAYDAN." Timmy paused and began to circle BIGGAYDAN. "Look at yourself. Different clothes. Clean shaven. Take a look at your weiner."

BIGGAYDAN looked down the waistband of his undies and glanced at his weiner. "Hey, my foreskin is gone!"

"Yes. Yes, it is, BIGGAYDAN. You have less of a penis. This is what we call Residual Self-Image. You see yourself as you want to see yourself. It does not matter what reality is, all that matter is what you believe is real. What is real, BIGGAYDAN?"

"...Hey, don't pull any philosophical bullshit on me, I'm too gay for it!"

"Calm yourself, I'm asking you a serious question." Timmy snapped his fingers and a hot - and very naked girl - appeared. BIGGAYDAN tried to look away, knowing his INSANELYHOTGIRLFRIEND was still out there. "Is she real, BIGGAYDAN?"

"Well. She.. Um. She ... looks real?"

"I'm not talking about her breasts, BIGGAYDAN. Is she real?"

"I..."

"Perhaps I haven't explained this clearly enough. THEREPUBLICANMATRIX is a giant illusion we all live in. A computer program, if you will. A virtual paradise compared to the quote unquote real world. But, there's one catch. The Republicans are in charge and they restrict our freedom."

"...What does this have to do with the naked girl in front of me?"

Timmy nodded at the girl. She walked directly in front of BIGGAYDAN and looked him in the eyes. She brought her face close to her, with her tits bumping into BIGGAYDAN's chest. Bringing her knee swiftly into contact with BIGGAYDAN's testicles, he grabbed his balls and fell to the ground.

"WHAT THE FUCK WAS THAT FOR?"

"To prove a point. Your balls will be aching for a while, I assure you. Now while this girl does not exist outside of THEREPUBLICANMATRIX, she is very much real in this realm. Her breasts will feel just like you were fondling her outside of THEREPUBLICANMATRIX. And when she kicks you in the balls, it's as if she really did kick you in the balls. Change form, you may, but if you are injured in THEREPUBLICANMATRIX, you are injured in real life. Hey, don't expect me to explain it, I'm just trying to be consistent with the original."

"Point taken. I don't think you need to explain THEREPUBLICANMATRIX to me. But. Um. What is the real world?"

Timmy snapped his fingers. The floor beneath Timmy and BIGGAYDAN suddenly disappeared. The whiteness seemed to fade into blackness. The pair landed comfortably into seats. Theatre seats. BIGGAYDAN noticed a screen rolling previews. Timmy had a bucket of popcorn and seemed to be shoving handfuls into his mouth. Without bothering to clear his mouth, he motioned to BIGGAYDAN, "Want some?"

"Uhh. That's okay."

Timmy pulled out a remote and clicked it. The screen showed some strange post-apocalptic scenery.

"This is the world as it is now. Of course, you'll never see any of that because we're all underground and secretive and fly around in THEREPUBLICANMATRIX a lot."

Timmy clicked a button on his remote.

"This is the world you know now. Or rather, did know." The screen showed scenes of BIGGAYDAN's former room, with semen still in his sheets.

"Dude, how the hell?..."

"Oh please, we gotta do something to pass the time. You're quite the acrobatic masturbator, BIGGAYDAN." Timmy laughed. BIGGAYDAN sunk in his seat.

"THEREPUBLICANMATRIX was created to sedate us. Keep us silent. They adhere to strict so-called ideals, and expect everybody else to be the same. As such, homosexuals are .. forbidden. That is why we freed you. We believe you are the one we have been looking for. The one I've been looking for."

Timmy turns to BIGGAYDAN, "You are THEGAY, BIGGAYDAN."

"I'm not gay."

"Sooner or later, you will accept it. You are THEGAY. You are the single-most concentrated entity of gayness. Only with your excessive gayness can we hope to free man and womankind from THEREPUBLICANMATRIX."

BIGGAYDAN sighed and paused, thinking.

"Wait, why can't you just use your magical orgasmic powers? Fuck, dude, you can change into a girl."

Timmy smiled. "Yes, yes, I suppose I can." Timmy snapped his fingers. A white light came over Timmy. When it dissipated, Timmy looked like Betty White. "Oh. Whoops. Suppose I should be somebody more attractive." Another flash of white light, and Timmy looked like Carmen Electra. He felt up his breasts and winked at BIGGAYDAN. "Powers, I may have, they are useless against Republicans. Only you and your mastery of your BIGGAYPOWERS can defeat the Republicans. Every man and woman who has attempted to vote a Republican out of office has failed."

BIGGAYDAN stood up and started to walk out of the aisle. "No.. I don't believe you. I'm not gay!!"

Timmy snapped his fingers. He returned to his normal form, and the whitespace surrounded them again. BIGGAYDAN seemed slightly agitated.

"GOD DAMN IT, LET ME OUT OF THIS BIGGAYNIGHTMARE!!"

His INSANELYHOTGIRLFRIEND removed the cord from his spine, and BIGGAYDAN returned to the real world. Panting, he got up and stumbled across the room. "I'm not gay.. I'm not gay.."

Arnold, still sitting in his position as operator, shook his head, "Da boy is gonna pop."

BIGGAYDAN's eyes rolled into the back of his head. His GIANTMANCOCK bulged forth from his pants and ejaculated onto the deck. He fainted and fell backwards.

Timmy was slightly agitated, "Oh god damn it, I'm not cleaning that mess up."

And this is as far as I got on this work. The farther I got in, the harder it was the parody the Matrix. Still stands as an amusing work.