BIGGAYDAN Saves The World. in The Official BIGGAYDAN Archive.

BIGGAYDAN Saves The World. - 5/22/2003

The Adventures of BIGGAYDAN

It started out as just another evening for BIGGAYDAN. BIGGAYDAN was talking to his INSANELYHOTGIRLFRIEND on AIM.

BIGGAYDAN: I love your hooters. Have I ever told you that?
INSANELYHOTGIRLFRIEND: Oh yes, BIGGAYDAN. Why don't you drive 13453246523462346 miles to me and touch them?
BIGGAYDAN: No, I'd rather just stare at them.
INSANELYHOTGIRLFRIEND: ...You mean you don't want to lick my tits?
BIGGAYDAN: No, why would I want to do that?
INSANELYHOTGIRLFRIEND: You're so weird, BIGGAYDAN.
BIGGAYDAN: Will you get me up the ass with a strap-on?

It was at that moment the door to BIGGAYDAN'S house was broken down. BAM. Some men in "FBI" shirts rushed in the door, grabbed BIGGAYDAN, and pinned him to the ground. One of them touched his ass. John Ashcroft popped in the door, flashed his Blockbuster card and said, "Hi BIGGAYDAN, I'm John Ashcroft. You're under arrest for suspicion of being a terrorist."

BIGGAYDAN was naturally surprised at this turn of events. "What the fuck are you talking about? How am I a terrorist?"

"Such language, BIGGAYDAN. Are you going to declare jihad on me?"

"No, I'm going to assrape you with my DOUBLEDONGOFJUSTICE. Nobody just walks in BIGGAYDAN's house without offering me a handjob first. Well. Unless it's my mom. I don't want a handjob from my mom."

"Your DOUBLEDONGOFJUSTICE can't save you now, BIGGAYDAN."

One of the FBI agents began taking down BIGGAYDAN's pants. Surprisingly, BIGGAYDAN protested.

"NO, PLEASE DON'T!"

Ashcroft laughed. "Keep his pants on. We'll let the marines assrape him in prison. Besides, what if he has to shit or something? Do any of you want to clean up that mess?"

"No sir!" the drones replied

"Let's get him back to headquarters."

BIGGAYDAN was transported, pants intact, to some secret government headquarters. BIGGAYDAN found himself in the Oral Office er, I mean, Oval Office in front of none other than DARTHDUBYA.

"Good job, Johnny. Now, do you remember that Cuban boy that was all over the news a while ago?"

"I guess."

"Find him and bring him here. I want to show that I love children."

"If you say so."

BIGGAYDAN stood with his hands cuffed behind his back, and two Republicans standing behind him. This made BIGGAYDAN think he was about to get assraped. He wasn't too far off from the truth.

"BIGGAYDAN, do you know why I've brought you here?"

"Because I'm a terrorist?"

"Well, that, too. Do you like me, BIGGAYDAN?"

"Not really?"

"Then you are a terrorist, BIGGAYDAN. You threaten the security of this country. Just like millions of other unpatriotic Benedict Arnolds out there. Anyway, there is another reason I bought you here."

"Are you going to make me guess?"

"Sure!"

BIGGAYDAN didn't know what to say. "...Because I'm BIGGAYDAN?"

"Why .. what! How did you know? You're Big. You're Gay. And you're definitely Dan. I need you, BIGGAYDAN."

By this point, BIGGAYDAN was utterly confused.

"See, there's this election coming up. In order to continue our administration of fear, we need to reach out to those we oppress. Make them think we're going to help them. BIGGAYDAN, I want you to give me a handjob. Actually, not just one handjob. I want you to give me lots of handjobs. Maybe blowjobs, too. This will show that I love gays! In reality, I know you're going to hell. You're so gay, BIGGAYDAN."

"You know, I have a girlfriend?"

"..What?"

"I have a girlfriend."

"Oh."

"She's hot."

"Is she?"

"INSANELY hot."

"Oh." DARTHDUBYA obviously wasn't expecting BIGGAYDAN to love the Vagina. Still, DARTHDUBYA knew BIGGAYDAN's love of the cock could be appealed to. DARTHDUBYA unzipped his fly and reached into his pants. "BIGGAYDAN, it's time for you to meet my IMPERIALPENISOFFREEDOM."

BIGGAYDAN couldn't believe how huge DARTHDUBYA's IMPERIALPENISOFFREEDOM was. It was LONG and pointed straight out from DARTHDUBYA's body. It also seemed to be glowing like one of those lightsaber's in Star wars. BIGGAYDAN looked at it in awe. There was no way he could handle such a large member. His UBERWACKOFFMUSCLES were no match for the IMPERIALPENISOFFREEDOM. His MADDEEPTHROATINGSKILLZ were of no use here. Deep-throating the IMPERIALPENISOFFREEDOM would probably kill BIGGAYDAN.

DARTHDUBYA motioned to BIGGAYDAN. "Come, BIGGAYDAN. Pleasure your master. All your base are belong to us."

BIGGAYDAN thought fast. He had an idea, though he'd have to do it just right for it to work. "Oh DARTHDUBYA, I think you'd like to get me up the ass."

"BIGGAYDAN... I am .. your father.."

"Um, DARTHDUBYA, what does that have to do with getting me up the ass?"

DARTHDUBYA appeared to be in another world. "No one will ever know what happened that year I was supposedly in the National Guard... Oh yes, BIGGAYDAN. I want to shove my IMPERIALPENISOFFREEDOM up your ass."

DARTHDUBYA motioned the FBI guards away, apparently feeling he wanted a sense of privacy. BIGGAYDAN bent over and wiggled his CUTEGAYASS at DARTHDUBYA. DARTHDUBYA drooled at BIGGAYDAN's CUTEGAYASS. He pulled down BIGGAYDAN's pants, then his UNBELIEVEABLYSEXYBOXERS. Then BAM. A streak of black flew out of BIGGAYDAN's ass and hit DARTHDUBYA square in the forehead, knocking him down. BIGGAYDAN fumbled backwards and tried to retrieve his DOUBLEDONGOFJUSTICE. DARTHDUBYA was stunned, and struggling to get up. BIGGAYDAN put the DOUBLEDONGOFJUSTICE against the cuffs, but they wouldn't break.

BIGGAYDAN heard a voice in his head. For a second he thought he was just going crazy. Who hears voices? Then it got clearer, and he could tell BIGGAYPAUL was contacting him telepathically. "..Apply a force.. BIGGAYDAN.. Apply a force.." BIGGAYDAN's eyes lit up with inspiration, and he was able to break his handcuffs with his DOUBLEDONGOFJUSTICE.

BIGGAYDAN brought his hands to the front of his body and stood up to face his captor. DARTHDUBYA stood staring at BIGGAYDAN, with LIBERTYJUICE oozing out of his IMPERIALPENISOFFREEDOM.

"I am Big. I am Gay. I am definitely Dan. I am BIGGAYDAN. I will defeat you, DARTHDUBYA. For great justice."

"So this is what it comes down to, BIGGAYDAN. You and me. Dong against shlong. For control of the universe."

They stood, staring at each other. DARTHDUBYA twitching his IMPERIALPENISOFFREEDOM, BIGGAYDAN twirling his DOUBLEDONGOFJUSTICE, consequently getting shit all over the Oral Office. It WAS up his ass, after all. DARTHDUBYA screamed and began to charge at BIGGAYDAN.

...Only to slump over in pain. "OH MY GOD, I HAVE A SPLINTER IN MY TOE!!" It was only then that BIGGAYDAN noticed DARTHDUBYA wasn't wearing any shoes.

BIGGAYPAUL called to BIGGAYDAN again. "..Apply a force, BIGGAYDAN.."

BIGGAYDAN raised the DOUBLEDONGOFJUSTICE over DARTHDUBYA, and smacked it against a nearby wall. The force BIGGAYDAN exerted caused the wall to collapse. BIGGAYDAN made his way out of the White House and stored the DOUBLEDONGOFJUSTICE back up his ass. And hitchhiked home.

He found that his INSANELYHOTGIRLFRIEND was still talking to him. He sat down in time for her to say...

INSANELYHOTGIRLFRIEND: "So, would you like it if I did that to you?"
BIGGAYDAN: Sure?
INSANELYHOTGIRLFRIEND: OMGBIGGAYDAN! I LOVE YOU! We'll do it next weekend. I'll bring the gerbil.

Poor BIGGAYDAN. But, I suppose that's another story.