On Monday in Book Six: Trying to Hold On 2019

Crap. I was going to weigh myself and do a New Year’s Resolution Check and totally did not get that done this morning. Shit.

Well, I was super sick during the weekend and totally got Wife sick as well. Also: Shit.

Upon the recommendation of a reader here, I downloaded “Attachment” as an audiobook to listen to while doing long drives. I’m interested to see what it has to say and what, if anything I and/or Wife can gain from that.

On that subject… I honestly respect and appreciate everyone’s statements. I do take them to heart and consider every word, even if it doesn’t seem like it. And every year that passes is another year towards healthy. I could never have reached where I am right now without going through all of that (for better or worse). I had to go through some shit to figure out what “living my values” means. And I had to go through more shit to make sure everything was clearly stated in my world.

I think I needed to hear that “attachment” information on Saturday. Something to let me know that it ultimately wasn’t me. And I know it has been said over and over again… and over and over again. But… I’ve often been extremely easy to “throw away”. Friends, exes, etcetera. So even if it the “it’s not you, it’s me”… I know, ultimately, that at least a part is me. It is why in this situation (marriage) I’ve been trying to haul ass. What can I do? How can I help? What aren’t I doing? What should I do more of? What should I do less of? Are my feelings valid? Am I being too needy? I’ve been… well… hacking this through for many years… much of it here in these Digital Pages. And as much as Wife would say, “I don’t know what it is but I know it is a problem with me”… there had to be something I could do. After all, this woman came after ME, twice. She wanted to be with me (once upon a time) and… something happened. But on Saturday, we really figured some of the core out.

Wife was attracted to me and intellectually interested in me. Which was great. At first. But eventually, I wanted something that was more… emotionally connected. More like a true romantic/sexual/lover relationship. 2009; we had it out. If she wanted to be in a relationship with me; I needed it to be more like a RELATIONSHIP. Not like a “we hang out, we’re good friends” but something with emotional depth, connection, affection, and intimacy. She agreed and was better for a bit. We got married, Omaha was a fucking nightmare for my relationship and everything about it was worse than it had ever or has ever been. 2014; we had it out. If she didn’t want to be married anymore, we could part ways once we got back to Iowa; because clearly there wasn’t a lot about the marriage that held her attention or interest. She was adamant that she wanted the relationship and she wanted to figure out what was wrong with her. She started doing “bouts” of therapy. Going for a few months, then stopping for a few more months, then going back. Honestly, that sporadic nature MAY or MAY NOT be her fault since Iowa is abysmal for all mental health care. There are many places that are the only providers of Talk Therapy for entire Counties so it can be VERY challenging to get regular or frequent appointments. But then here we are in 2019.

And I mentioned all of this to our Marriage Counselor. I told her that we seem to be on a five year loop. I finally can’t take it anymore, Wife promises to do what she can, I accept it and we find ourselves back in the same place five years later. This started a conversation about First Order Change and Second Order Change. Essentially, what has been happening (through, likely, no direct fault of Wife) is that she is made aware of a problem in the marriage, works to fix the problem in the marriage, then returns to her normal lifestyle and decisions and maladaptive coping mechanisms, etcetera. In other words, she doesn’t GROW as a person or FIX anything that is wrong… just tries to do enough to make the marriage work for a while longer. Which… yeah, I’ve said as much before. That there’s never any SOLUTION, just a QUICK FIX. And I said that I’m not interested in that. That we really are staring down the death of the marriage and the way to bring it out of tailspin is to start making honest and genuine progress towards creating an emotional bond. Because… yeah. I appreciate that my Wife finds me interesting and fascinating and appreciates what I do for her and for others. That’s great. I don’t mind being intellectually stimulating. But… I definitely need more in a marriage.