The Secret in Current Events

I was so flustered after I wrote my last entry. I carried that anxiety with me all day. I don’t know why that made me feel so vulnerable. I suppose that I have to admit to myself that right now I am indeed vulnerable. I’ve been out of work for three months and I haven’t even begun to apply myself here. Everybody is just waiting for me to get up and get started but I’m too scared to take that first step. I will though. I can hear the old me in my head trying to give me a pep talk.
“There is no shortcut to a dream. If you can’t put your best foot forward then put on your best shoe.“
And I’m just like “it’s hard to chase your dreams in stilettos” lol
I have faith though. I’ll be hard to stop once I get started.

I tried to meditate the other day. I am always intimidated because of that one time when I fell. Not physically, I got that sinking feeling that usually wakes you but I didn’t wake up. I fell into that sunken place. I felt like I landed in my worst nightmare. My reoccurring dream of me walking down the hallways of my high school again. Going back to school, with my social anxiety, is one of my biggest fears. It is why I went and saw a therapist in January, I need to process these feelings so that they will stop affecting my choices. I wish that he didn’t end his practice, I could dig deeper here.

A few months ago I had an epiphany while my sister was complaining about her sister-in-law, Daria. Daria moved out of her mom’s to live with a man twice her age who sells cocaine. She is only 18 and she is also an addict. As you can imagine, everybody is concerned and disappointed. A couple of years ago she was raped by her sister’s fiance. That caused a rift in their family. The fiance denied the allegations and the family was divided on the matter. He eventually pleaded guilty and is currently behind bars. Daria became a party monster and her life has now spun out of control. That is the current situation. What does that have to do with me? Shortly after she was raped she told her mother what happened and her mother wanted me to talk to her about it. Why me? That’s a good question. I was unsettled by that request as well. I was unsettled because that meant that my sister had told that entire family my deepest, darkest secret that I don’t even tell anybody about. She told them my rape story. My epiphany was that my mother and my siblings have been telling people my rape story my whole life and deep down I always knew this but I didn’t have to believe it until I was asked to speak to Daria.

I was four when it happened. So growing up happened pretty fast for me and I had a lot of challenges but that is not something that I want to get into. Like, ever. So anyway, I took some time to process how I felt about that epiphany and I came to realize where my social anxiety came from. Every single year in school since elementary the teachers would educate us about consent and boundaries. To report inappropriate touching and stuff to somebody. I absolutely hated sitting through those conversations because it was always a little too late for me. Also, I felt like everybody would figure me out because they also talked about how that could affect a person. All the signs of someone who might be going through abuse at home. I always knew that I was different from the rest of the kids. I did not like to speak and I did not like to be touched. I got a lot of special treatment from the teachers in elementary because of my mother. The other kids could see it and I was always so embarrassed. Things like changing in a different room for gym class. I didn’t want anybody to figure me out so I spent my whole youth trying to be invisible.

So what did I have to say to Daria? Not much. I told her to be open to getting counselling. I was in and out of therapy until I was eighteen. I told her that when I was eight I saw a wall full of notes that kids like me wrote in my counsellor’s office and one of those notes changed my life. “I am scared that there will be a monster in me too.” I became aware of how this can turn into a cycle and I did not want to become a monster. I became aware of how a lot of kids like me grow up to become substance abusers and sex fiends and I did not want to turn into that either. I told Daria that when I turned 28 I realized how I succeeded in that. I told her that she still has the power to make her own choices. Her rapist took away her choice that day but she doesn’t have to let him influence her future choices. I am not qualified to help Daria but I told her to get counselling so that she can get her power back. I was not confident about all the advice that I gave her but I was completely caught off guard. Needless to say, she did not turn out okay and I can’t help her. I don’t even have access to her. In two weeks my niece will be turning four and I am pretty confident that Daria will be there for the birthday party. I don’t feel responsible for Daria but I am pretty confident that I can get through to her. I can probably get her to admit that she has a problem and that she is not in control and that she needs help. If I can find a way to bring it up anyway.

I think I understand what she is going through. She probably doesn’t understand it herself because I didn’t until only last year. Everybody knows that she is a victim. She probably feels like everybody is looking down at her. She probably feels like a smaller person because of that. She is probably feeling embarrassed and ashamed. Everybody knows that she was defiled and used and she probably feels devalued. Nobody can relate to her now and she doesn’t know how to relate to them either. She probably feels isolated and alone and she can’t connect to people the way that she used to. Everything is different now. The bad choices that she is making is probably her way of feeling in control. A way to forget about everybody else who will always be a reminder of what happened. She probably doesn’t want to get help because she is probably just speechless. What do you say? What are you supposed to feel? What are you supposed to do? How do you go on like this? Why can’t things just be normal?

So yeah, what I am trying to say is that I managed to make her story all about me. Ugh, maybe I am a monster? A me monster lol. So now that I have admitted this to myself I can finally process it and learn to not be afraid of the world. I will also try and reach out to Daria in the process. She can at least relate to me.

Last updated July 31, 2019