Dream A Little Dream in Ultimate Randomness

Well, I hadn't planned on writing really, but I just woke up from a dream, more of a nightmare really, that really speaks volumes about how I felt in the last few years of my marriage. I'll let you all know what brought alot of this up emotionally. Yesterday, as I was talking to a coworker of mine that I haven't seen in awhile about the divorce, I found out some information I didn't have at the time. I knew she had had sex with one of the guys we both worked with. What I didn't know was that he went and told everyone we work with about it. It didn't really hit me at first, but a couple hours later in the middle of my 13 hour shift, it really struck me. I was embarrassed and hurt and when I mentioned it to my wife, the information didn't really seem to bother her any. Admittedly, I didn't tell her much of how it made me feel, but I think that is because at some point a few years ago, I stopped being able to tell her how the things going on affected my feelings. I'm sure there were multiple things that led to it, but the one incident I keep going back to is Halloween either two or three years ago. As per usual on Halloween, I was working until close and she was going to her cousin's house for a Halloween party. The way things worked, I would meet up with her there later and give her a ride home, though I was usually too late to enjoy any of the party. When I went to pick her up, she told me that she had hooked up with another guy at the party. I was not okay with it. The nature of our arrangement was that she would tell me before anything happened and that I would have final say in whether or not it was ok. This was the first time I can think of that she broke that deal and, with it, really damaged my ability to trust her. When I confronted her about how I felt, she told me that it was too bad that I felt that way and she wasn't going to apologize and I was just going to have to get over it. So I pushed down my feelings and locked them away until recently. After that, I pretty much stopped telling her when things were bothering me, in essence shutting down. And this is one of the things she would get mad at me for. Shutting myself off from her and not telling her how I felt. Well, anyway, I was embarrassed because it struck me that everyone I worked with must have looked at me like I was dumb if I didn't know what was going on or weird if I did, and I'm sure there was a fair dose of pity, because as I'm sure I have said before and I have yet to talk to a person about the divorce who hasn't made this comment on their own, everyone could tell just how much I loved my wife through everything except for her. She was the only person who didn't see it. But that doesn't matter now of course, She has moved on and it doesn't matter how I feel or what I do, if it ever mattered. But that is not why I wrote. So I had this dream that we were at a party of some sort. I can't remember exactly what happened, but I remember that I left the party and went home while she stayed there. When I got home, our apartment (which only existed in the dream) was a mess. So I spent the time waiting for her trying to clean up. But between being so clumsy and trying to catch this R2-D2 mini robot that belonged to one of her friends and kept turning itself on and trying to escape the house, I was making more of a mess than I was cleaning up. Eventually, my wife got home and saw the apartment. Almost as soon as she was in, she said to me that she only came home to tell me that she had talked to David (someone she actually knows) and he was in the city, so she was going to meet him. When I asked what they were going to do, she said "something that is definitely not happening here tonight." You can guess what she was talking about. So while I tried to talk her into staying and being with me, she got ready and left and I was left there by myself hurt and disappointed and alone again. This isn't exactly anything that ever happened, but there were alot of times, especially in the last few years, where scenes like this were pretty typical. She would take off to see her boyfriend who lived a couple of hours away. She would go to meet someone and I would be home by myself, left to take care of myself. And I wasn't about to stop her from doing what she wanted to do because I was pretty sure it didn't matter how I felt about it. Still, I can see how this seems like a very one sided story. I can't say for sure what she was thinking or how she felt or why she did alot of what she did. And ultimately, it doesn't change anything. I am alone and she has moved on without me. Still, I wish she would not have discounted my feelings. I wish I had gone to see a therapist sooner so I would have learned how to not shut down. I wish alot of things. But I am where I am and nothing is going to change that now.