Shitty outside, staying inside. in Since OD is shutting down....

I slept til almost noon today. I look outside, it's cold, snowing and well below zero. So thankful I get to stay home and in where it's warm. I've eaten, going to take a hot bath and possibly a nap soon. I just love my days off. I think when I get to work tomorrow i'll request my next court date off and my birthday. I know that no matter what happens in court, I'm probably not going to be up for going to work that day. I'm debating on my birthday because I will more than likely not have anyone to spend it with anyway but I would like to take the night off just to be able to relax if nothing else.

All i know is I'm sick of it being so cold. I suffer from the weather depression so I'm going to be so happy when summer finally arrives. Even if it would start being like 50 everyday that would even help. I have a new pair of shoes that I'd like to wear but I paid about $100 for them and I'm not going to let them get ruined with snow and ice so I am not even planning to wear them until the snow melts and the ground is dry. They are white and pink and probably the most beautiful shoes I've ever had so I'm not about to let them get ruined.

I think because of the weather I've been more depressed than I would be if it was warm outside. It's just so depressing to look outside and all I can feel is cold air coming through the window, snow falling and the top of my car being buried. I just hope to God that someday I'll have the means to move somewhere that stays consistently warm so I don't have to worry about this shit anymore.This weather has just been relentless this year and I'm glad that it's coming to an end, or so I hope.

My day off is going way too fast. It's already almost 2pm. Next Sunday I have to work all day which I don't mind but I'm worried about what the weather is going to be doing. I am so sick of constantly worrying about it. I told them I could come in early tomorrow but I'm probably not going to. I want to make the most of my time off and not go in until I absolutely have to.

i'm just hoping that when the weather starts getting nice, I will start being in a better mood. There's times when I'm at work that I will spend a lot of time dwelling on the past, my ex, his past...it's like when I get down or pissed off, I think about everything that I shouldn't be thinking of. I don't know if I still think about him simply because I'm lonely or if I think if I think about it enough, that I'll figure out exactly what will make me stop thinking about him and be able to completely accept everything that happened. I know that I'm better off without him in my life but I can't help but think about how much different my life would be now if he would have made an actual real try to make things work and treat me like I needed him to. I just don't get why I still dwell on any of it when he's not even a part of my life anymore but I do.

I just can't help but still be questioning not only why he treated me so badly but why I held on like I did. I knew very early on that it wasn't working and wasn't going to but I just wouldn't give up the fight. I guess I thought I could change him, or fix him or be the one girl that wouldn't give up on him but it's like as much as I wanted to fix him, I was breaking myself and in the end not only did I not fix him, I broke me and now I'm still picking up the pieces and trying to figure out what I can do to feel not only okay but happy. I have so much to be happy about but there's days where I just want to focus on the negative. I guess it's because I have to constantly worry that if things are going too good, something is going to fuck it up so I can't ever be too happy.

It's going to take me a significant amount of time to truly understand why I did the things I did and more importantly, what I can to in the future to not let someone treat me like that ever again. I'm grateful that he's not longer around and I have the chance to find someone who not only can give me what I need, but actually wants to. I knew even then he wouldn't and couldn't give me what I needed and I should have walked away but that has never been my strong point. I hold on and hold on until I'm too broken to keep trying. I have a lot inside myself that I need to figure out before I even consider getting into another relationship.

They say the best remedy for getting over an old love is to find a new one but I have so many thoughts, old feelings and insecurities I need to understand and figure out before I try and begin something new because the last thing I would ever want is to make someone suffer for what someone else put me through. I know the best thing for me would be to at least find someone who is probably in the same boat as me with getting over a heartbreak but for now, I'm not putting myself out there to find someone but I'm not completely against the idea either. My friend made me a POF account but I deleted this morning. I'm just not into finding people off the internet because every time I ever have, it's been a disaster. I thought I was ready to at least start talking to people but I'm really not. I was emailing a guy the other day, we started texting and he kept asking for a picture and I kept saying no, send me one first and he said he was just too shy or whatever so I sent him one, he wrote back and told me I was pretty but then wouldn't send me one. He stopped texting back all together so i don't know what to make of that. I think once I drop a bunch of weight, it may be easier for me to find someone. I hate to think that people just you so much off of your outer appearance but they do.

I know that I'm lonely and most of the time I want to find someone but I just don't want to hurt someone like someone hurt me. There's days where I just can't believe how much I still hurt over someone who was just a complete piece of shit. He lives with his parents and really has no plans to ever change that. He doesn't want to leave the nest and that was the very first thing I noticed that irritated me because he was even older than me and was obviously WAYYYYYYY too comfortable at his parents house. He said that it bothered him but honesty, I don't think it really does. I also got annoyed by how little he gave a fuck about anything. I never even felt like he gave too much of a fuck about his son, other than it was his connection to his ex wife. Even though she's married and just had another baby, I think he enjoys knowing that he's always going to be a part of her life because of their kid. I honestly feel sorry for her to have been married to such a creep and will never be completely rid of him. I could only imagine what it was like for her to be married to someone who was emotionally and mentally abusive, didn't help pay bills, cheated all the time and then finally fucked around with a 15 year old girl. I think when he did that, it was probably her out. It was the final straw so she could leave and not feel bad about it.

He is a very broken, evil person. I feel sorry for any girl who tries to be with him long term because he has no plans to become a better person at all because that would involve effort which he is just not into it. He is just a loser who works at a gas station and my friend Kevin said that he works overnights simply because he's the only person who they can get to do it. My friend Kevin said a lot of really ruthless things about him but it all made so much sense. I remember the night before I traded my car in and we were at Perkins til 1am talking about my ex and he picked up a ketchup bottle and said that I was basically trying to have a relationship with one because that's about the extent of the effort my ex made to be with me. The ketchup was a metaphor. He picked it up and said that I was trying to make a relationship happen with my ex that didn't do anything in return.

I just hold onto hope that someday I will find someone who can and will want to give me what I need. In the mean time, it's nice to just focus on work and school and know that I'm doing what I need to do to have a better future and I'm moving in the right direction. It would be nice to have someone to share my life with but I have to have faith that someone will come along eventually and probably when I least expect it.

I read an article online the other night about commitment-phobes and my ex completely fit the criteria. Like when he started saying how he didn't want to have sex because he didn't want something to happen was prime example. Him scheduling our time together was part of it and him keeping me at a distance was so that he could get rid of me easier. I just wish I would have read that article when him and I were together because it really would have changed things for me. I knew that the relationship was dead in the water but I didn't want to give up because he gave me something to look forward to everyday. I was in such a bad spot emotionally and socially when him and I were together and I truly believe that's why it lasted as long as it did. I can't say that it's because I was in love or still in love, but because I knew if we broke up, I would be even more lonely. I knew even when him and I were together that it was just one big mindfuck but I didn't want to let go until I was absolutely sure I was doing the right thing. Looking back, I realize how foolish I was to have made the effort I did by trying. I tried harder, he didn't try at all.

It's better for me that it's over and that we aren't even in contact because even being in contact with him as friends, it was still emotionally damaging. He just didn't have any respect or regard for the way he talked to me and the shit he would say to me would make me cry myself to sleep. I just hate him for the mean shit he would say to me and I will NEVER allow a guy to speak to me that way ever again and if he does, he will be crossed off quicker than fuck. I am just not going to put up with shit like I did with the past 2 guys ever again. I just feel like if people truly care about you, they will treat you with respect and if they hurt your feelings, they feel bad enough to not do it again and they don't go out of their way to hurt you and for NO REASON! I have managed to find 2 of the most emotionally abusive people to be in relationships with and it makes me question myself because if I would have had more self respect, I would have told both of them to fuck off long before I did. Emotionally abuse is just as bad as someone beating the shit out of you because those words can never be taken back. I just don't get why it would be fun to be so mean to someone who is just trying to love you and be there for you. I will never understand abusive people.

Anyway, time to take a hot bath and lay down. More later.