I like it here in What's up

I'm just not writing at the moment. Not here, not there. Not even on Facebook the last two days.

I'm sad. Husband always sees it coming. I get short and intolerant with him, then after a few hours I go away to do my own thing and I end up crying. Most of the time it's driving her car.

I put her iPod back in the car and put the top down in the hot afternoon sun. Bob Seger did me in: In Your Time.

It's always something different, the reason. Some aspect not yet grieved, I suppose. Today was knowing she died in pain and fear. That for her there was no peace.

I came back and he was standing in the driveway with a huge grin. "I'm happy you're home." Then he held me in the garage while I cried some more in his big arms.

Later he sat close to me and confessed, "I was worried you were going to run away. That you would just drive and drive and get farther and farther away, and the farther you got, the sadder you would get."

"And then what?"

"And then you'd have a really long drive home."

He is good at loving me. Better than anyone should be. I wish he didn't have to deal with my sad, too.

I felt as if I had survived something when I made it through August, but September brought more, different pain. Tomorrow is my birthday, the next day my brother's. They aren't firsts, but we aren't yet used to having them without her.

I've been anxious when he leaves the last couple days. I want him close even as I challenge him to love me and push him away. He just loves me anyway. I don't know how anyone ever survived this who didn't have a Frank.