Attempting to get past the hurt and bullshit. in Since OD is shutting down....

I'm off today and tomorrow thank God. All my important homework is done and it's nice to be at home, eating spaghetti, watching tv and being where it's warm. It's miserably cold outside and it's only supposed to get worse the next few days. I am honestly so ungodly sick of wintertime that I could scream. I am really chomping at the bit for summertime so I can wear tank tops, shorts, not have to worry about driving in inclement weather and love being outside again.

My boss called earlier today but didn't leave a voicemail so I don't know what he could have wanted other than to ask me to come in. I have already put in another 5 days straight. I love my job but I will love it more when the money gets better and the weather because then it will be more enjoyable. I said that I would come in early on Sunday but I don't know if I plan on doing that or not.

I'm still doing good on my diet and the scale is showing it. I weight myself every morning and the weight is already starting to come off. I haven't been eating fast food, drinking soda or over eating and I plan to keep it that way. I'm tired of being a big fat gross pig that hates herself and it's going to change. I just take it one day at a time and just do the best I can. I have a condition in my feet called Planter Fischitis where my feet constantly hurt, I've had it for months but it got to the point where I couldn't ignore it anymore. My feet felt like they were on fire, even when I was sitting down so I came home from work one night and researched it online and it said that I needed to lose weight, ice them as much as possible and do some stretches which has helped tremendously and I feel so much better. I used to have to hobble to the bathroom but lately it hasn't been that bad, especially if I stretch my feet before I get up.

I have given up on wanting to lose weight because I was so upset about my ex, felt that I didn't have time to eat right and because I got the point where I didn't feel like anyone would want me no matter what I looked like but I have realized that if I get happy on the inside, it's going to show on the outside and I will be in a better position to attract better people. Letting go is a really tricky thing. Some days I feel like I'm fine or going to be and other days I feel like I'm within inches of sanity. I am just so tired of finding the most evil, toxic people and trying to get along with them or make them see where I'm coming from.

It's nice to not be at work, or school or have a shit ton of homework to deal with. For the most part I do like my job but I am so sick of being cold and not making the money like before. I'm hoping with summer coming that things are going to get better. I am really hopeful that with warm weather it's going to be improve my overall mood and make me happier than what I've been.

I still think about my ex but now it's more me looking at things with a bitter, empty heart and seeing things for what they really were. Anytime I say I miss him, it's because I'm thinking of what he was like when we first met or because I'm thinking of how great things could have been. The truth is the guy is a loser and is more than comfortable not having a committed relationship because that way he doesn't have to worry about finding a better job than working at a gas station or leaving the nest where he is so comfortable. I have to just accept that he was horrible to me in every way possible and that I'm going to be just fine without him around. I do miss having someone to be a part of my everyday that made me happy to be alive and I remember how it felt being so excited for his phone calls or for him to come over once a week but he in no way, shape or form gave me any where near what I needed and was never going to be. I guess it kills me to know that when I do meet someone in the future and possibly get married, it won't be with him. That thought alone just tears me apart. I wanted it to be him. I'm just scared that I will never find another guy to love like I loved him but I'm also terrified of finding someone like him as well.

My friend has a boyfriend now and he's really good to hear. He does stuff for her and whenever she tells me about it, I get really sad because my ex didn't do ANYTHING for me because he was so selfish and just didn't give any kind of a fuck. Hearing about people having nice boyfriends or husbands makes me realize just how awful I was treated and it makes me sick. I just don't get why I would let a guy stay in my life that didn't really love me, wasn't there for me and didn't even want to be around me unless it was about pleasing him. I just wish I could truly understand what I was thinking to hang on to this person. All I know is seeing him 3 weeks ago was what I needed to completely understand that whether I like it or not, I have to move on. He will never be what I need him to be and I don't want him in my life anymore because it bring more pain that pleasure. He got a kick out of tearing me down and that alone makes me hate him and grateful to be moving on.

I know that i'm better off without him and that I'll be okay. I think from not having enough people in my life that i see outside of work and school and having no support system, things bother me more. I get down at work from not making enough money and then I get in my negative thought pattern and then I just start thinking of everything that makes me upset and before I know it, I'm just really depressed and upset about everything. I know that I need to focus more on the good and positive in my life and for right now I need to just be in my own best friend but sometimes I just get so lonely and wish I had more people around.

My life has improved so much except my social life. I know that with going to school, working and dealing with health issues, it's best for me to be single but I can't help but think about the fact that it would be nice to have someone to spend free time with to watch movies or just cuddle. I'm sick of knowing that I'm going to spend my days off pretty much hanging out by myself but I also enjoy that because I need time for myself as well. I go back and forth everyday from wanting to be in a relationship to liking being single. Maybe it's just because I'm afraid that if I do get into another relationship, it's going to be just another headache and I won't be able to stay focused on school and work.

I've eaten, watched tv and relaxed. I plan to do the exact same thing tomorrow. I know that I should go to work because I need money but it's supposed to be really bad out tomorrow and because I'm not scheduled to work, then I just want to be at home. I just wish it would fucking warm up already. This winter time thing really sucks. I really want to move somewhere warm eventually.

I'm glad to be at home. I remember when all I did was sit in this apartment and how boring it got and now because I can't be here all the time anymore, I appreciate it when I do get to be here. I love my new life and love being busy but I also love my days of relaxation and getting to just sit down and watch tv or plan on a laptop. I finally got around to having a guy fix this one because it had a virus and I couldn't use it anymore but because I got fucked over with my car, I just didn't trust dropping it off because I didn't think I would get it back. I took it to him Wednesday and he gave it back yesterday.

It's just crazy how untrusting and skeptical I have become. The whole car situation rocked me and I know I'll never be the same. I hate those people for what they did to me not only financially but emotionally. I have never been the most trusting person but now, I'm really bad and I question everything. I'm always questioning people's motives and wondering what they are really thinking or what they plan on doing regardless of what they say.

My sleep aids are going to be kicking in soon so I should probably get ready for bed which consists of another nice, hot bath and going to lay down. More tomorrow.