Babs in Book Six: Trying to Hold On 2019

I finally drifted off to sleep sometime after Hawai’i 6 a.m. When I awoke, the waves outside were… angry. The wind was high. In fact, Hurricane Barbara is kicking up a LOT of wind so there is a wind advisory. Thus, we decided to postpone snorkeling again until tomorrow. Instead, we went to the store to grab some food stuffs and drink replacements. While we were AT the store? Our hosts, who are in different parts of the island today, texted us to make sure we were okay. Apparently, there had been an island wide power outage for twenty minutes. We didn’t notice it at the store, because they switched to their backup generator so fast but.... yes, the house did lose power.

At about Noon, Wife and I just came back to the house to discuss plans for the day. Strange island weather… windy but still HOT! Like… 97 Heat Index hot! However, we still wanted to enjoy our day. We got into the Dodge and did some driving (affording us the opportunity for glorious air conditioning!) Then went to the Petroglyphs (SP?) They are prehistoric rock formations that were carved into to form pictures. On the way to the Petro Park, I mentioned something along the lines of “That’s how you know you’re family” to my Wife. Friends, the smile that exploded across her face? I think she does honestly enjoy being part of this family. I think she likes and honestly wants to be part of my family. But… the question remains… Will she decide to care about the marriage in time to do anything to actually work for it?

When we got to the Petro Park it was pretty fun. Hot, though. VERY hot. The walk included a creepy Hawaiian forest which was actually pretty cool. Along the walk I made Wife laugh and.. I love doing that. Truly. Making her smile, making her laugh… there’s a lot there… a lot to her that she refuses to accept or acknowledge. We also honestly discussed Divorce. She said that she would never hate me if we got divorced because she would understand exactly what happened. But she also made it clear that she’d like to stay married. So… some ground work for another conversation and/or work in counseling.

It really was super fucking hot. When we got back, I grabbed a brew and rubbed the cold can on Wife’s arms. I have to admit. I am hard up. As I rolled the can on my wife’s hot arm, she said: “Ugh, ooooo. God, yeah. That feels really good.” And.. that was definitely enough to give me a semi-chub.

Also, when we got back to the house? ALL of us were working on positioning fans for maximum effect. Even the hosts were dying from this fucking heat!

We all left then for a super awesome dinner with just an indescribable view. It was amazing. And the price was totally covered by my Godfather so… that helped! It was all set up as an Anniversary Dinner surprise for Wife and I. The place was super fancy (and super expensive)! But because it was our anniversary, the restaurant paid for the dessert for us and had all the employees sign a copy of the menu with the words “Happy Anniversary”. It was… pretty cool and very fancy.

And… even though my Wife is far too hot to want to engage in physical contact… and a bit super depressed that she thinks all the pictures of her at this vacation make her look like her mother… I mean… there is a beautiful woman laying next to me wearing a black tank top and a black skirt. That… that’s what I want. I know she can’t see it but… I look over at her and this is a beautiful woman.

NOW A BLANKET STATEMENT ABOUT SOME RECENT NOTES

I have appreciated some notes lately with an… interesting perspective. And wish to respond. The truth is, I never detail my ACTUAL attempts with my wife EVERY TIME because it is too painful and embarrassing. I have to say, I find it interesting how many people start with “I can have sex whenever I want and you suck as a person.” Or people who think they understand our situation expertly based on nothing more than my one-sided, poorly worded entries. I get it. That is the nature of this space. But… can you tell me with 100% accuracy that you know exactly what would turn on my wife? Can you tell me that you know with absolute certainty what it is like to HONESTLY and GENUINELY want your marriage to work, thinking that the only problem with your marriage is ‘my needs don’t seem to matter’… so you struggle for years with trying to convince yourself that you can be okay with that? Because you genuinely want your marriage to work?

Yeah. This year, I am starting to think/react/behave with a more curious “maybe my needs do matter/should matter.” And that is where Couple’s Counseling enters in. That is why Wife’s failure to progress or show signs of understanding is amplifying the hurt on my side. Yeah, but not demanding my needs… I contributed to this issue. But I thought if I was supportive, understanding, helpful, patient, and kind… she would get it. That didn’t happen. So, sure. Maybe I’m a dick. Maybe my marriage falling apart IS my fault or “all on me” as has been suggested. Or maybe… I haven’t carefully detailed every failed attempt throughout my marriage to be whatever my Wife wants.

All that being said… I do genuinely appreciate the notes and comments. A LOT. They help me analyze and figure out some things and help me with wording and contextualizing for counseling. So honestly: thank you.

That said, I want to key in to something that people kept saying: “You can watch porn, so stop talking about your programming!” Clearly… you’re missing the point. Do you know the guilt, the shame, the self-hatred I felt for a decade? The downright suicidal feelings I had regarding porn? The fact that I thought I would be kicked out of my Dorm when my college roommate discovered that I watched porn? Which, if you didn’t know, was a highly irrational thought as I attended Public University. Have you read any of my entries over the last year detailing my heartbreak that Porn is my “only option?” So when you say, “Porn, so why divorce hard?” You are clearly unaware of or ignoring the 23 years of soul-wrestling struggle and work that STILL PERSISTS in that regard. And THAT (arguably) is a piece of my programming that only impacts me and my hand! Imagine how much more weight and struggle exists when the impact is my wife and entire family!! I mean… honestly. You guys saying, “You can watch Porn, you can get divorced”.... I mean.... clearly? I guess.... you just don’t get me. Not that I’m worth “getting” but… learning that “serving myself” doesn’t necessarily “hurt my Wife” is not quite the same thing as “abandoning my wife”… and the fact that such a statement apparently doesn’t register with so many is… a bit shocking.