Old in 2014

When you realize that a pretty girl who is interested in you is no longer appealing simply because of what the bare minimum of a primarily physical relationship requires, you're old. You're beyond old. Cracked mentioned once, in reference to Pandas, that when a creature loses interest in sex it has no desire to live anymore. Maybe. Maybe they're on to something.

It's odd because much of my life, and most of my biggest mistakes, had lust as their prime mover. Lust motivated me to do so much. Sometimes I wonder if a bit of lust would be what I needed to get my life in order. The problem is, relationships, and women, are becoming less and less desirable over time. Let's go over the reasons.

1. Drama. Probably the biggest factor is the drama. No matter what precautions are taken, somebody gets hurt, and something big and dramatic WILL happen. Somehow. For some reason. Any pleasure that I manage to derive from the experience will be more than offset by the problems everywhere else in my life.

2. Time/Money. Not being in college anymore, I don't have much time, and lacking sanguine hopes for my future finances, I'm worried about the latter. I can't get Niki or Amanda to buy things for me like the old days. There's no magical girl to come down from the heavens, buy me things, and build her whole life around my schedule. Even if there were, I'm so afraid of the drama that these kinds of relationships have caused, I'd tell her to get away.

3. Stagnation. I stagnate after about a month in a relationship. I love starting relationships. I think, I write, I do everything better. My whole life becomes better because I'm figuring things out and showing off. I want her to appreciate my greatness, so I have to live up to it. Once the relationship starts, the inertia overtakes me. I'm bad at ending relationships when they need to end. I languish in them. Mostly from a misguided lust and the sense that breaking up with someone is somehow terrible no matter how much we both need it.

4. Shame. Not just the old religious shame of being a hypocrite, though I had a funny reminder. As per a promise made while sick, I'm reading more of The Bible. I started to wonder why it was that I'd ever stopped. I knew that I had read plenty of it in Japan as well. Then, I realized it. I stopped reading it when I was with a girl every night. That's still there, but, as I've told a certain ex (who has since agreed) that fades. Quickly. Provided there's enough something involved. Sexual attraction helps. She never really wanted me. That connects to the next shame. Shame in how I look. Shame that cannot be overcome by my old methods. And perhaps this is the most interesting part.

I used to find my own hideousness arousing in and of itself. I more beautiful the woman compared to me, I've been called a toad, the more I was able to feel a sense of power. Of superiority. That I, being myself, had used my mind and will to conquer a person who should know better. That my sheer force had accomplished the impossible. The weight of my mind had lifted off the weight of my body. It was a feeling unlike any other.

I no longer have this satisfaction.

When I look at myself now, I do not see any of the old ambition. I believe it to be gone. As well as the drive. As well as the desire for power. The desire for control. The desire for whatever it is that so drove my past desires. Often, when I was with women in the past, my enjoyment was almost exclusively derived from the emotional high of having a beautiful thing in throes of ecstasy that I put her into. In spite of myself. Instead, now, I see myself as an undeserving fool. I can no longer overlook my faults, and I seem to lack the capacity to find joy in them any longer. I have no desire for conquest, simply a fear of what conquest means and what responsibilities and obligations it brings. I've grown weaker. In the past, I could control others, but not myself. Now I lack the capacity for either. I've seen the consequences, errors or no, of my ways, and I find it difficult to act.

A beautiful woman nearly offered herself to me last night. And I couldn't be bothered to care.