Before I Go in Book Six: Trying to Hold On 2019

So, I think the honest truth is… I will likely be checking work e-mail and prosebox and facebook and instagram on my vacation. That’s… probably just expected. After all, Wife (I know) will be checking her Cell Phone Games, Netfilx, and Tivo. She already told me (excitedly) that “I don’t have to miss any of my shows because of DVR Remote! I can just watch them from an app on my tablet!” Meanwhile, I’ve packed a Gibson Triology and a few books I bought for Wife. If it comes to it? She can catch up on “Pose” and I’ll catch up on Furiously Happy which I specifically bought for her in an attempt to get her to understand how personal tragedy doesn’t necessarily mean personal stagnation.

WAIT A MINUTE!

BEFORE I START, I NEED TO SAY THE FOLLOWING: I don’t wish to be an ass about this by touting Friends Only entries; BUT I recently wrote a F.O. entry that did not get a lot of notes. I’m not whinging or bitching but… that F.O. entry is super important. I get that I have a bad habit of just going on and on. People would probably prefer a 1 minute read as opposed to a 6 minute entry. I get it. But at the same time, the F.O. entry I wrote detailed quite a lot about me and my personal sexual history. So… if you are a long time reader and/or a dear friend… worth making sure you read it.

Here’s.... one thing, though… and by all means judge me harshly on this because I certainly do. Wait. Dammit. I’m so bad at this. Okay, to understand the present I feel you should understand the past. Because my own psychological illogic (i.e. insanity) of course plays a part in everything.

In Elementary School, I was already too focused on romance and non-verbal signals. Again, the F.O. entry may help to explain. As such, I bought in to a rumor about “unconscious signaling.” From the ages of 7 to 14, I believed that “unaware signaling” was a real and powerful thing. Primarily as understood through “observation/action reactions.” To be direct: the theory was that if someone was watching you and keying into you and liked you than if you got a drink from the water fountain and THEY shortly thereafter got a drink from the water fountain.... that meant they liked you.

I know. It is stupid. It is dumb. It is “simple” to the point of idiocy. But that is what I believed for 7 years of my life!

And I mention it because I feel my brain/heart doing something similar in the modern age. I have an Instagram Account (FELIXBLAQ if you are interested) and almost ALL of my IG story is my dog. Anyway… sorry, again I need to reference past information. DO you remember my two “work crushes” during law school? Since there were two… I don’t blame you if you can’t remember. One was a Buffy/Aku Red Head Hybrid that screamed sexually aggressive.... the other was a unique woman with no past reference comparison that ultimately I figured I might have a future with. Or to break it down sincerely… my two “work crushes” during Law School could be apportioned into “Very Fuckable” and “Definite Wife Material”.

Of course, if you know me at all… you’d know I was married before law school started. If you know me really well, you’d know I was married before Law School started and law school was an almost entirely celibate affair as my Wife stopped having sex with me shortly after I started! So… these “work crushes” came at a time when I was (1) incredibly stressed by law school and work; (2) married to someone else already; and (3) smack dab in the middle of our worst celibacy imposition. Important information as I speak the following:

One of those work crushes remains single, Midwest, attractive, and likes just about every Facebook Status and Instagram Post I share. And I gotta admit… it feels a bit like the water fountain. Like… I think, “Oooo, does this mean she likes me? I mean, if she’s following me so closely on social media, is that an indication of attraction? Or is she just someone who knows me that just happens to like everything I do on Social Media?

This line of thinking creates two interesting, if conflicting, internal debates for me.

(1) Obviously, the first debate is more optimistic. It’s the “Oh! I wonder if I have a chance?! If I decide to leave my Wife because of the trillion percent failure we’ve been trying to work through? I wonder if I have a shot there!

BUT there’s a second debate which honestly is just as important!

(2) I start to honestly think about the world… how it HAS been, how it CURRENTLY is, and how it WILL be. And honestly? I’ve never liked not knowing what was coming next. I remember being 6 years old and being asked the “If you had one wish” question. My response?
“I would wish for a printout of my own social history from the future. Who I dated, who I married, when, and what happened.“
As one doesn’t exist, I am left to my imagination. And the truth is? To get to this position in a government job that I enjoy? It could have only been Wife. I know we can’t know for sure how our timelines branch and change; but I’ve considered this a lot.

Imagine I was with Work Crush. She is a dedicated attorney, passionate about social justice and criminal defense. I am a dedicated government attorney, passionate about community protection and criminal prosecution. One of us would have needed to bend for the other simply for occupation reasons.

And that thought continues me down a comparison for all previous concerns.
Of the women I’ve known, are there ones that I’m glad didn’t work out? Yes. Actually. BIG YES. Shanon, Thompson, Aku and all previous. That leaves me with Aoife or Buffy. Buffy would never have been happy “following me around” as I tried to grab a government job. She’s the strong current that sweeps the canoe along; not the other way ‘round. As evidenced by the very happy life she and her husband currently have where she is doing her dream job and being a mum and he got work “where he could” while still making his art. So that leaves Aoife. Obviously, Aoife has the same issue as “Work Crush.” Passionate dedicated attorney looking to practice in a specific field and make quality money doing so. Something that could not have been accomplished where I presently am.

Of course you’ll be quick to say that I could have ended up somewhere else and been equally happy or even more well-off; and it is true. Perhaps being with Aoife would have meant I got my JD sooner and could have been a DA for St. Paul or something. Maybe Work Crush’s government contacts would have gotten me installed as a D.A. in Polk County and we would live near my parents and be wealthy. Maybe maybe maybe. But what I know for sure is that Wife (with her tag along nature) is the only one that could have been with me to THIS point. And the house, the dog, the job? I like those. So maybe I’m not the best version of me I can be. And maybe a different relationship would have made me happier, healthier, or wealthier. But as of this moment… being where I am? I’m in a pretty damn good spot, all things considered. I just… need to get my wife healthy… and my marriage back from the brink. That’s it. lol.

Of course work is not letting me go without a fight, it seems. On multiple fronts.

First front: Juvenile Issues.

There is a young man with MASSIVE home issues. Like… beating the shit out of his mother issues. I followed up with DHS on this guy because… what’s going on? Kid with mental health concerns? Kid just being a criminal? Should I throw him in a detention facility until he’s an adult or do we get services into the home to help the family? Truth is: Mom is the problem but “being a psycho” isn’t illegal. DHS is already massively “all up” in their situation trying to help but when an Adult refuses to change behaviors, you can’t expect the children to maintain. Like… these kids do really well away from mom. But every time previously we’ve used court involvement; Mom gets the kids back within 4 to 9 months… then goes back to being crazy. Damned untenable situation.

Then I get a phone call that an emergency placement of a 10 month old was required because for the second time in 5 months the child was found out on the street with no supervision.

Then for added benefit, I see that there is a WEIRD case set for when I’m going to be gone. A hate crime assault case that was never reported to me/us. So, I’m VERY confused.

Plus, the County kind of screwed my Time Off Balance plans. I get 3.5 personal days per year. I accrue 1.5 hours of vacation time every pay period. I accrue 2 hours of sick leave every pay period. HOWEVER this is the start of a new year so they only gave me 7.5 personal days. I didn’t know I had to “accrue” the other 2… or did they just take them away entirely? Anyway… that means… instead of burning all of my personal days and all of my vacation days for Hawaii… I have to burn all personal days, all vactaion days, and 16 hours of sick leave. BAH. GR. Though, hopefully I’ll stay at this job long enough to learn/understand how that all works better and use it more wisely next time. But yes, friends, even Government Workers in America have shitty vacation policies. Do you know some countries have mandated yearly vacation requirements? The United States has no mandatory paid vacation requirements. But Norway, where my ancestors hail from, mandate 25 days of paid leave. Meanwhile… in order to earn 25 days of paid leave? I’d have to work for 125 pay periods. THAT’S FIVE YEARS!

Granted, many Americans have it even worse. So… yeah. One of those things where you look out over the world and say, “Y’know… there are a lot of ways that America is great. But there are also a lot of ways where America has a LOT of work to do. And the fact that saying that second part is seen by so many as treason is one of the biggest things wrong in this nation.”

And now… me doing the weird stupid thing I’ve taken to doing at work because it is FUCKING HOT and I’m thrilled that they chose the summer months to remove the air conditioning units in order to install air conditioning units.






As the heat index around here has been a HUMID 100 or above and my office still lacks proper air conditioning… yeah, totally agree!

The Chive: Well, it took you long enough to find me! (Selected Photos Included)

The Chive: These awesome designs are on another level (Selected Photos Included)

The Chive: You laugh, you lose. Simple. (Selected Photos Included)

The Chive: That’s… actually pretty sweet (Selected Photos Included)

The Chive: You Can Take The Pizza Out of The Hut (Selected Photos Included) Nothing is quite as recognizable as a building that was uniquely designed to be a Branded Silhouette. So what happens when the building is sold to a different company?

The Chive: He’s a kid… kids are stupid. (Select Photos Included)


I will always share excited Carrot Boy because (1) he looks like I did at that age; (2) this is an awesome thing!

The Chive: It’s always funny with “Always Sunny” moments (Select Photos Included)

The Chive: Signs that will make you scratch your head (Selected Photos Included)

The Chive: GIFs that kept GIF-ing all damn week

The Chive: Weekend Afternoon Randomness (Select Photos Included)

The Chive: Daily Morning Randomness (Select Photos Included)

The Chive: Hotness is being taken to another level (Select Photos Included) (Original Post: 35 image. Shared: 7 Images. Percentage: 20% ) It is funny. Going through this I was trying to not select many but I had a moment of “Dude, stop editing yourself. Just do what you want!”

The Chive: I take my FLBP sunny side up — thanks (Select Photos Included) (Original Post: 50 image. Shared: 10 Images. Percentage: 20% )

The Chive: Gaps can help cure the Monday Blues (Select Photos Included) (Original Post: 31 image. Shared: 1 Images. Percentage: 3% I’m not really all that surprised, to be honest. Thigh Gap is just one of those things that doesn’t do much for me. If you have it, cool, if not, cool. Whatevs.)

レザー Pintrest Page

It is definitely official. I’m going to miss Nala while we’re away.