Baby Step in Current Events

One of Matt’s childhood friends committed suicide a few days ago. (Matt is my sister’s husband whom I all I live with) He was a priest, he left behind a pregnant wife and three kids. We suspect that he was gay and miserable with the life that he created for himself. Matt grew up going to the same church as this guy. Matt was excommunicated by that church and that whole community when he started to date my sister. He was even disowned by his father and by that whole side of his family. The whole reason for that is because my sister is not from that church. That whole lifestyle, in general, just does not make sense to me but I’ve just been feeling all kinds of things since I learned this.

It took all of my two months of unemployment to get up the nerve to finally call the university that I want to apply for. I was hoping that I would be able to somehow just get an appointment with a student advisor that could just dumb everything down for me. That’s not at all what happened. It was not a complete waste of time though. However, I am going to go down to the university on Monday and attempt a walk-in appointment with a student advisor. I am hoping that it doesn’t take another two months to get up the nerve to do that much also.

I hate feeling stupid. High school was 14 years ago and I haven’t even looked into post-secondary education since then. I thought that I wanted to be a movie director when I was in senior year lol. Apparently, my country is the most educated country in the world with 56% of us having some kind of post high school education degree… so basically I’m garbage #thriving. I don’t understand the language and I don’t understand the world that this man was talking about. I knew that I was dead on arrival when he kept answering my questions with “yes, so how can I help you?”
I told him that I was aiming to become a dietician and he listed about 45 million courses or whatever. Then said that I would likely be aiming for Human Nutritional Sciences which I would have to complete to apply for a something or other to get into a program to become a dietician. He actually did not once use the word dietician so I am still lost as fuck. Actually, I got the impression that I would not actually be graduating this university with a dietic license. That I would have to do the HNS program and use that education to get a different one somewhere else. I’m just lost as fuck. He said that I could apply directly for that faculty or apply to be something called a first-year where I would have to do 24… courses? Hours? Fuck man, I don’t even know. From what I thought that I understood about life, mature students got a few exceptions to help them into this magical land of post-secondary so… what the fuck am I even talking about? When he asked if I graduated high-school he had a tone that made it sound more like did you even graduate from high-school? And I felt so discouraged and said whatever I could to just wind the conversation down so I could hang up and feel embarrassed about myself in silence.

I’m not letting myself feel discouraged though. I reached out to the people that I know that are currently enrolled in that University and they are going to help me understand everything that I am trying to understand… iHope. Is my high school transcript even available in pdf? They had to fax it the last time that I needed it lol. Also, my grades were awful because my attendance was so poor. I was battling severe anxiety and depression back then over having to walk down those hallways. My head will actually explode if I have to go down to my old high school to get my transcript. Every single nightmare in my adulthood started with me in that building. I’ll probably have to redo some of those courses and get better grades. I’m just starting to feel overwhelmed because I wanted to have this all mapped out before I started looking for work. I only have four weeks before I run out of savings so I’m just going to have to find me another dead-end job to tie me over. Hopefully, I won’t hang on to it for 13 years like I did the last one. Blah, can I just borrow somebody’s self-esteem for a day or two? I can’t promise that I will return it undamaged. I just want to feel some level of confidence for a couple of days without having to start a drug addiction because I know what I need to do with myself but I can’t get up the nerve to just do it. I’m such a little bitch. I need to get over myself.

Last updated June 28, 2019