Samson: EDITED in Book Six: Trying to Hold On 2019

EDIT MARKED AT BOTTOM

I got my haircut and shaved my face. Images will be provided when available. In a lot of ways it is a… different experience.
I feel lighter and younger… I hadn’t shaved my face entirely in a year and hadn’t gotten a haircut since January. That was easily a good pound or two of hair removed.
At the same time… I feel like I lost something… more than hair. I feel more confident in a lot of ways; better for a jury trial or a speech..... but I feel less “on the ball” about other things. A defense attorney filed something that had wording that we agreed to… and now I don’t know if I’m required to file something or not… and a lot of that uncertainty comes from our Clerk of Court who hates when we dispose of a charge by motion and instead all but demands it be done directly by the judge via an order. So… not sure whether to file a motion or hope that the judge sets a plea hearing and then force everybody’s hand.

Of course… even if I say/express that I’m more confident with less hair? Shave and a haircut tends to make me feel fatter. Ironic since it will actually be considerably easier to workout without all the extra weight and heat-trapping fur. But I once had a prominent chin and now it’s been mostly swallowed so… it introduces a bit of insecurity.

Today promises to be a “normal day of abnormality” in most respects. Construction in the hallways still (making it super loud). I need to return a phone call for a defendant who was ticketed with a License Plate infraction who is absolutely freaking out big time crazy. I need to cover for my boss at about 4 or 5 hearings since he has to be in a separate county providing Conflict Counsel to another County Attorney. Then I have to scoot (fast) to the hospital for my ENT appointment. Then scoot (fast) back home so that Wife, Nala, and I can drive an hour to the dog trainer, have our training session, then drive an hour back. All told, I don’t anticipate being home again (for any sort of measurable time) until almost 10:00 tonight.

It all makes me think, “I’m excited to go on Vacation! I hope it is restful and restorative so that I can come back to work ready and able!” As opposed to coming back to work and still wishing I was on vacation.





True enough, but that hallucination scene was scary as fuck when I was a kid!!

In other news: Still playing catch up on PB. And discussed the possibility of divorce with my father. We did have couple’s counseling this weekend and Wife did admit that she understands and gets my “DO SOMETHING” perspective and she’s “serious about it”. But… not in a cynical way… talk is cheap. When she actually does something; that’s when we’ll give her credit for doing something, But then… maybe she needs this vacation too so that she can have an opportunity to just… let everything go for a minute. That being said? This may be a harsh criticism but… we haven’t been intimate, even so much as good kissing, since March 30th. If we can’t have a physical moment 4,000 miles away in the middle of a Hawaiian Vacation? THAT will be all the last straw I need. Because take away all your worries and concerns. No dog to watch; no job to consider; no laundry or cooking or anything. Just you and your spouse. If you can’t have conversations, enjoy yourselves, have sex, and have a good time under those circumstances? Then it isn’t any external issue or stressor and the relationship itself is what is irrevocably broken. Maybe I’m delusional but I’d like to think that this vacation will be good for us.

As I think about the upcoming vacation though… the thing I am most looking forward to/most hoping for?

Between my job and my hobbies and my marriage and my life in general… the overwhelming majority of my interactions with people keep drumming this same beat over and over.
“People suck, life is stupid, desire is poison, destroy the world.” Which… not great? So, if nothing else, I’m hoping for a brief reprieve in the “Fuck Humans” narrative.

I am 100% going to blame the last 84 hours on this.

So… I actually didn’t play a lot of video games this weekend (really). Spent time with Parents, Wife, Nala, and slept. Those were the big things of the weekend. When I return to work? Like an Ice Water bath after a hot day. The construction is pounding and whirring and shouting at top volumes. I keep seeing new charges on old offenders because violence is a nightmare cycle. I have officers phoning me all morning asking about case information. I have DHS asking me tough questions because MOM can’t be trusted with the kids but DAD is an undocumented immigrant who has already been deported once (thus making him a true Illegal Alien). Kid does well with Dad but Dad is in violation of Federal Law and a true background check cannot be performed so what to do?? Meanwhile, as I review Humor Websites and Inspirational Websites for myself, I’m assailed with look at all these hot women who exist in the world and may share some of your interests ie Video Games, Comic Books, Sci Fi Movies. And of course, when I see that I actually start to lecture myself/chastise myself because
(1) I’m married, I should focus on doing what I can to give my marriage a fair shake;
(2) I’m 5‘7.5 and 227 pounds. I am clinically short, I am clinically obese. I have never smoked marijuana or taken any substance that was illegal. I am a prosecuting attorney whose occupation is to keep people Law Abiding. In many ways currently measured by the Modern World, I am the opposite of a Catch. The likelihood of me, even when single, getting anyone close to a “7 or above” is greatly diminished, if not all together improbable/impossible.

As I read older PB entries… it is hard for me to concentrate. I should be showing care, empathy, concern, interest in these people that I consider my friends. In these people with whom I share more than almost any others. With these people who I interact with more than ANY of my other friends at all. AND YET? I find myself having difficulty focusing. Trouble reading, comprehending, caring.

So that’s where I am right now. Depressing myself over my undesirable quality while acting even more undesirable by being a shitty friend. Anyway… that’s where my brain is right now.

And frankly, that’s hot as hell

EDIT

Oh… crap. I’m blaming the bizarre barometric pressure right now, but my body is some kind of fucked up. Like… my shoulders, neck, and head are absolutely killing me… to the point where I had to re-write almost every word in this sentence several times as I seem to have trouble hitting the proper keys on the keyboard. I’m not prone to migraines but… considering that I only feel relief when I close my eyes and put pressure on them… maybe this is a migraine?

I texted Wife about it. She hadn’t texted SIL back like she was supposed to (so I did that) and then I texted her that I was feeling crappy and would appreciate it if she would drive to Trainer today. She responded that she could but that she was also feeling under the weather. Which is weird. Her immune system is like 80 times better than mine. So that might be it, too. When the Sick One is sick, the Healthy One is fine. When the Healthy One is sick, everyone is doomed.

So there’s that to add to the everything. It makes perfect sense that the two of us would come down with something right before vacation. Hopefully it clears up in the next 6 days. And more importantly… hopefully, we’re not both too ill at any point to not give the dog a walk. She needs walks!

Last updated June 24, 2019