Death of a fantasy in Tea at the Cabin in the Woods

I got the text around 10:30 AM while preparing for my Tuesday classes and writing an exam. The surreal aura left in the air pushed me into an automated functioning mode. Somehow, disbelief has a way of elevating you to another plane.

When I got home the old 1997 Dell whirled with the slide show of photos from years past and there they were. Photos of the two of them with their arms around each other, her sitting in his lap on the IKEA sofa we had purchased for them, at the beach, playing with the bunny they had saved from becoming snake food, dressed up for dinner parties, weddings of friends, award dinners and his graduations as valedictorian of his classes.

He was tall, lean and handsome, highly intelligent with the world at his beckon and call. When she left him 5 years ago, it was with the understanding that he would clean up his act (was drinking very heavily and addicted to on-line porn) and they would be together again. He promised he would be better.

A couple months later he married a girl who looked like her but was younger and very immature. His wife got him involved in a counterfeiting scam, fake concert tickets for high dollar events and introduced him to drugs. They got busted and he spent a year in prison, went through a 12 step program and tried to get his life back together. His wife got a longer term and was thought to still be in a rehab program. They have been estranged for two years or more, never getting around to divorce.

About a year and half ago he started coming around again and she was happy to see him doing better, sober and drug free. They spent some time together before she moved back here to be close to me again. They have kept in touch and as of last month he was going to file for divorce and was looking for a new/better job. She said, "He was always supposed to come back to me."

His mother called her in tears and told her it was, "Always you, always you he wanted, his one and only." Their mutual friends have told her that even as of Saturday night he was telling stories about her and smiling as he talked of her. He had told them they were going to be together again soon.

The text: "JB was found dead of an apparent od Sunday morning."

Her heart sank and shattered into a thousand pieces. The fantasy of their being together again was gone in a blink. She was sure it was accidental, but confused because he had been clean for so long. The night before he had been with a mutual friend who said he was fine - no drugs or alcohol and they had been together until 2 AM. It doesn't make a lot of sense to anyone.

The obit lists his parents, sister, grandparents and his wife. She can't read it. She was supposed to be his wife someday. She had worn his ring for two years and helped him get through school. She had been there to support him when no one else did. It should have listed her.

This will take some time for the healing. All the other guys along the way were attempts to replace him. Now she has to mourn him again. The first time when she left the relationship five years ago and now again after they reunited.

It isn't going to be easy. But she will survive. Her friends here have found her airline tickets to go back for the services and to be with their friends there. Next week she will begin to live for this life again. Next week she will think of him as one more guardian angel watching out for her. Next week she will begin to let the fantasy go. But today she will feel the pain of lose and grief.