ptsd. and rape. women's rights. in 2007: March 1: transferred fom FOD

um so. the reason. the whole London bus attack thing. [please go back a few entries to know what i’m talking about as i don’t feel like repeating myself. and hate being asked to do so] um. but yes the reason. it bothered me so much is/was bc. it happened to me. [you were attacked on a bus?] no. no i wasn’t but it’s more the concept. of it. yeah one time. when my ex & i were together. i. um took my ptsd out on him. and i. hate that in fact. i am ashamed of that.
here’s the kicker: he. right after. threatened to rape me. i i. i’m not ready to give the details of that yet. literally. other then actually, doing that. anything else would’ve been better then that. we were in my bed............the exact same bed in fact. i. i was...............raped on. the exact same bed. i kissed lindsey on............the exact same bed. no that’s it but the point being. that bed has a lot of history. and i still have it. at my mom’s. it’s leaning against a wall.
oh and btw. right after he did that. i got up, got my sewing scissors, went into the bathrm., locked the door. he came in and i’m ‘if you ever. do something like that again i will tell someone’ and he’s ‘well i’m sorry but.............’ right ok. but what? like that makes it ok to use someone’s past against them? apparently to him it does. i’m glad i’m not w/ him. we all are. no it’s ok you can say it i won’t defend him. and i’m not just saying that i really won’t. it’s not just me being nice. no cause i have nothing good really to say about him. so bash him all you fukin want. [or don’t i mean that. obviously isn’t my decision. but w/ that being said.].
i just. no man. or person has the right to do that to a woman. threaten to rape her physically attack her. no and for those who take his my ex’s side. frankly i don’t want to hear it keep your opinions to yourself. and that’s the real reason why, when i’m put out. i’ll stay quiet. and from that moment on. for the rest of his and i’s our relationship. i made an effort. to not anger him. cause omygod. cause in fact of fear. i hate that. i learned it from him. in the words of joan jett: i hate myself for loving you. no like i hate that. really.............really..........ok so i greatly dislike it. i just..............i’d go on about how much. i greatly dislike it but i think people get my point.
i told a neighbor. i told cathy pat’s sister. but she told me something about telling bob, her uncle. now bob was v. nice. and i say ‘was’ bc he isn’t w/ us anymore. but that frankly is insulting to me. no i told her not. i think if i’d wanted anyone else to know i can tell them. if someone doesn’t know how to handle a situation which. i never believe someone when they say ‘i don’t know’. no. no you do. um. but yeah. if someone isn’t sure how to handle something i tell me then just. blatantly directly state. that that ‘i’m not sure how to handle this............how do you want me to handle this? how can i help?’ and that’s another reason i deleted cathy from my fb the first and only person i’ve deleted. i have nothing against bob but ya know that’s not the point. and that’s why. i don’t like referrals. and that’s why i don’t make them. people are all afraid to be direct in this country. fuk i’m not that fragile. ‘omygod we’re going to hurt her feelings’ fuk i’ll turn it inward and drink. like i’ll be fine stop vexing. [no really actually please do.]. it’s not their responsibility. to make sure i’m ok. i’m not their child. no that’s not ok w/ me. [yes. we know.]. but hey awesome. nice to know people can insult and patronise me by doing that. really thanks that’s. that’s great. good job. [yes i’m being sarcastic here. cause i’m annoyed.]. um anyway. women’s rights. and why the London bus attack bothers me so much. cause no. ‘well yeah but you provoked your ex’ yeah i don’t fukin care. i did but...............well as explained.
but yeah. again to re-state my point. that. is why the whole London bus attack really just. angers me cause yeah it is a real problem. and again i know not all men/people are like that no i know.