3 Countries: EDITED in Book Six: Trying to Hold On 2019

EDIT: I put the edit at the beginning just in case anyone has read this and just wanted to quick see what was added. After doing some independent research, my Dad has informed us that he thinks one possibility of Nala is Manchester Terrier. So below is Nala, a German Shepard, and a Manchester Terrier for your comparison curiosities.

On the radio this morning, there was a contest. “First twenty people to name a Country with three A’s in the name gets....” I found it painfully easy but, as always, did not call in. I don’t particularly enjoy call-in contests that attempt to reward a more basic sense of trivia. I’d far prefer to call-in to a contest show asking something a bit more… Jeopardy level.
By the way, the first three countries that came to mind?
Albania
Bahamas
Canada.
So… yeah. Not only did I quickly figure out 3 countries that fit the requirements, but they came to me in Alphabetical order.

All things considered, I’ve got to say I’m not in a great place today. That could largely have to do with last night… my inability to get more than 4 hours of sleep… and/or the fact that it is an absolute downpour outside for what has to be the hundredth time this year. My To Do List for today at work? Not that brutal. But… I’m just in a mood to pout and stew. Of course, my professionalism will overcome that. If one must always be moving forward, there is little time one can waste on oneself at work. I have to return a phone call from a Defense Attorney that I am NOT looking forward to. I call my style of law (everyone has their own style, btw, a fun thing you realize when you start practicing) I call my style of law proactively lazy. If I get all the hard work done LEADING UP to an event, the event itself requires very little actual work. Obviously, every style of law has a companion and a competitor. Proactively Lazy works very well with Rigidly Scheduled and works well with Intentionally Avoiding Trial. Proactively Lazy does not work well with Ill Prepared nor Gamesmanship Law. Luckily, Gamesmanship Law is now not only no longer being taught in most Midwest Law Schools, it is downright being discouraged. I can’t say if that is true for law schools outside of the Midwest but… there’s good reason for its regional reaction. Gamesmanship Law is the kin d of bullshit that people typically think about when they think of “slime ball lawyer.” This is the kind of lawyer who files 35 motions a day just to frustrate the court and opposing counsel. This is the kind of lawyer who tells you over the phone, “I think we’ve got a plea deal worked out” but on the day of the Plea Hearing, objects to everything and demands a trial date. Courts in Iowa consider these types of lawyers “Shitty.” Because while it may be easier for lawyers to think about the law as a game… that mindset is publicly discouraged. This isn’t “fun with words and procedure” this is someone’s life. Whether it is a divorce case with custody issues (so don’t play around with children’s futures) or a lawsuit between companies (so don’t play around with people’s financial stability) or a criminal case (so don’t play around with people’s freedom and liberty).

The particular lawyer that I need to call back isn’t doing Gamesmanship per se. He’s trying to protect his client to make sure that she doesn’t experience a potentially job ending criminal conviction. 100% understandable. But his idea to do that? Involves overly complicated, unnecessarily convoluted paperwork mountains that requires me to do hours of additional work closing then opening then closing then opening then accepting a plea deal on a number of cases. It’s like… dude… your client attacked a girl that she didn’t know because your client’s ex-boyfriend is a douche and told your client that the strange girl was his new girlfriend. I get that you feel your client was set-up… but “attacking someone because your ex-boyfriend lied to you” isn’t a justification defense. BE HAPPY that I’m offering a plea deal that doesn’t require jail time OR pleading to an act of violence that might otherwise revoke her ability to perform her healthcare job.

So I have to return that phone call. Then I have to return a different phone call… much in the same vein but considerably different… but familiar to a fault.

Individual calls me while I’m at conference. “Hey, I got a speeding ticket in your county but I’m a truck driver. What do I have to do to make this go away so it doesn’t affect my job?” To which, as always, my first response is Don’t speed?! But… ugh. And gr. Because Truck Drivers will* fight tooth and nail (and hire armies of attorneys) to fight every minor tiny little traffic offense because it CAN directly impact their ability to retain their job. And honestly? That isn’t** the type of prosecutor I want to be. Yeah, if you were driving 85 MPH in a 65 MPH zone… I’m not likely to empathize with you over your license concerns. But someone going 75 in a 65 shouldn’t have to worry about losing his livelihood. Maybe I’m too soft for thinking that but a Traffic Offense shouldn’t cost someone their career.

After that? Well… prep. Tomorrow’s magistrate court looks like a beastly bitch and a half… but of course it does, it is the Magistrate’s second-to-last court date before retirement. That’s my professional day previewed.

BAH! Stupid attorney with convoluted request? Is all, “So I never got a reply message to my e-mail from May! Uh… the one you ended by saying ‘Let’s violate HIPAA to make sure we’re paying only our fair share?’ Yeah. I DIDN’T THINK YOU WERE BEING SERIOUS! Fuck, dude! Of course… I respond professionally. “We’re looking into the matter, I will phone you with updates as they become available.” My style of law may be “Proactively Lazy” but I hope my demeanor can remain “Jovially Professional”. But who knows, right? I mean… I’ve never had AN ATTORNEY JOB for longer than 1 year yet.
Jobs I did have for more than 1 year?
Department of Corrections, Douglas County
Best Buy Associate, Jordan Creek
Shoe Salesman, Overland Trading Company
Dahl’s Grocery Associate, Dahl’s Foods.

Funny. Despite being a decent student, receiving my Bachelor’s Degree in 2007 and my Juris Doctor in 2014… I still have never had a “career-like” job that involved a degree of any kind. Every single one of those jobs (honestly) could have been performed by a High School Student (to be fair, some of them were). Another reason of many why I want this job to work out. IF this job works out? Then it took me to 34 years old before I held down a “career job” for more than a year. Of course… I’m pretty much verboten from speaking of these things around Wife. She’d quickly jump in with her, “I’m almost 40 and the only job I’ve ever had for more than a few months was Wal Mart. I hated it there. I don’t even know what I WANT to do! So don’t you get started!!” ::le sigh::

Which brings me to (ultimately) what is weighing on my mind so heavily right now. My lack of patience. My lack of care in view of my wife and our marital issues. Because you see… after 8 years, I’m finally getting done waiting. We’ve removed every obstacle for her to actually start walking her own path. She blamed Wal-Mart; Wal-Mart is gone. She blamed Omaha; Omaha is gone. She blamed Tiny Town; Tiny Town is gone. THE TIME IS NOW AND NOW IS THE TIME. And… she refuses to move. In any way.

Last night after a full day of Juvenile court, I went home. Guess what my Wife was doing when I got home… I bet you can get it within two guesses!
Playing her cell phone games? Nope, but good guess.
Sitting on the couch halfway through another Horror Movie marathon? You got it!

Nala looked super excited to see me… and energetic. So I asked Wife how Nala’s day was. She didn’t nap. She didn’t get a walk. Wife didn’t do any of the training exercises. As I feed the dog each morning; this means that Wife was basically able to act as though the dog didn’t exist but for letting the dog outside and dealing with the dog’s desire for attention by largely ignoring her.
So then I asked Wife how her day was. She slept in. Started her base tan for Hawaii. Watched TV. That was about it.
I wasn’t expecting it, but I still feel a desire to point out that after telling me about Nala’s day and Her day; she did not ask about my day in any way, shape, or form.

Nala was looking… almost panicked. The expression of a dog that REALLY HONESTLY NEEDED SOME BLOODY EXERCISE and, no duh! Wanting to actively request that Wife behave like a responsible dog owner (children can be responsible dog owners, so I’m not even asking her to be a responsible adult)… I asked her, “What do you have planned for tomorrow?” This… started a fight. Just asking her that question. I mean, obviously I understand where the fight came from. Wife has an emotional feeling of guilt that she isn’t doing anything with her time; but doesn’t do anything about it, so she sits and feels guilty and doesn’t do anything… so me asking what does she plan to do the next day is met with an emotional defensiveness because she already feels guilty and bad. But here’s the thing… just because I understand it, doesn’t mean I have to put up with it. “What do you have planned for tomorrow?” shouldn’t be a fight starter… it should be part of a conversation. The fight wasn’t even substantive. She just reacted defensively and said things to the nature of, “And are you going to ask me tomorrow what I plan to do on Wednesday? Is that how this works now?!” I simply rolled my eyes and audibly sighed and said-shouted, “All I was going to say was would you PLEASE give Nala a walk tomorrow?! If you’re here with her for long periods of time, it would be nice if SOME DAYS you took her for a walk!”

By this time, I had already started cooking dinner. (Yes me… because if I wait for her these days we end up eating at 9:00 at night or later). But the dog NEEDED a walk. And NEEDED some training time!! So I asked Wife to watch the fish in the oven and grabbed the dog’s collar, leash, and treats. Nala hates the collar but was visibly excited about going for a walk (which she isn’t usually). The three things I wanted to work on with her were:
“When I stop, come to me and sit next to me.”
“When I say ‘okay’ that is a release command to continue walking.”
“If I call her name, she’s supposed to return to me and sit next to me.”

She’s not perfect on all of those but she’s good enough to verify that she DOES know what she needs to do… but she’s also a 6 month old puppy who wants the treats without having to work for them… so she’s testing limits.

After the walk, we returned home. Wife was plating dinner to which I thanked her. We ate while watching Jeopardy and after she was finished eating, she returned to the couch. I washed the plates and started the dishwasher. I went to sit on the couch with Wife, but decided to sit on the floor and play tug of war with Nala and throw the tennis ball around some. I told Wife that she could pick something to watch and her eyes lit up. I asked what that was about, if there was a specific show or something that she was excited to see. She simply said, “More horror movies!” Ugh. What the fuck? Like… is this part of some mental trauma for her? Sit on her ass all day and watch horror movies instead of doing anything in her life? Is that a diagnosis? Luckily for me, she decided instead to go OCPD on the TIVO list and started deleting things we’d already seen and watching what we hadn’t watched yet.

In the middle of all of that, Nala made the most heartbreaking sound I’d ever heard… a few times. For reasons that should be obvious Nala was in a very rambunctious mood! I mean hell: Consider Nala’s perspective. Thursday, June 6th; Friday, June 7th, Saturday, June 8th were all days with me and Wife at home. Sunday June 9th; Monday, June 10th; Tuesday, June 11th; Wednesday, June 12th; and Thursday, June 13th were all days in Okoboji… travel and excitement and most of the day spent with me and Wife and Dog. Friday, June 14th… she pretty much slept through recuperating. Saturday, June 15th she slept next to me most of the day. Sunday, June 16th was a day with me and Wife. So yeah… Monday, June 17th was the first “normal” day for her out of the last 11 days! AND she didn’t get a walk or any exercise that day until I came home!! She should be expected to be in a weird mood. Unfortunately, that weird mood resulted in two things. (1) She was SUPER bitey with me. Like… heartbreakingly bitey. Like if I didn’t want to throw the ball, or I wanted to go do something like bathroom or get a glass of water or anything… she’d start biting (hands, arms, legs). And I’d TRY to do what the trainer taught us in those situations… but it wasn’t enough. It wasn’t getting through. Immediately after I’d release her, she’d bite me again. This is unacceptable behavior because if she can’t get through her biting issues, it won’t take long before she’ll bite the wrong person and we’ll have to destroy her! She bit me hard on the arm as I was reaching for something on the floor and I grabbed her head, shut her muzzle, and shouted, “NO!! NO BITE!” Apparently, the speed and intensity of what I said got her attention because afterwards? She made this terrified whine sound and essentially did a dog version of crying. BUT that was “puppy reacts to Daddy laying down the rules.” The really heartbreaking one was later. (2) So, I wasn’t going to play with Nala for at least 40 minutes after that outburst. If she was going to keep biting and bite harder and harder… then NO. She doesn’t get to treat me like a chew toy! And she knew it because every time she came over and dropped a toy for me, I would look at her and she’d hang her head and walk away. So she started bringing the toys to Wife. Remember… Wife is who Nala spends all day every day with. Remember Wife hadn’t been paying Nala ANY attention last night. So Nala keeps putting toys in front of Wife. Sitting there looking at Wife. While Wife keeps staring at the TV. Then Nala released a cry that I honestly can’t put into words. I have no words for it. It was a heart wrenching high-pitched warbling sound that was unmistakably “Love me, Mommy!! Please?!” Like… if she’d been behaving better that night and had been a child; I would have scooped her into my arms and held her close, rocking back and forth, assuring her that her parents love her very much. Barely made a dent with Wife.

And that is when I realized the underlying relationship issue. Obviously, she has a personal issue that is preventing her from doing ANYTHING to better her life or motivate her to keep her entire world from turning to shit. But there is a definite RELATIONSHIP issue that isn’t just Me and Her; but Her and All Relationships… and seeing it from the Dog’s perspective helped me put it into words.
The entire issue falls under the same umbrella:

FAILURE TO ACT/FAILURE TO DO… LOVE

Seriously. Like… Wife is really good at telling Nala “I love you” (which is more than I get)… but that’s the issue, isn’t it. Nala is a dog… telling her doesn’t give her what she needs. Wife is really good at assuming that I know she loves me… but that doesn’t give me what I need. Wife is really good with being in her own head and thinking things are where they should be… which is NOT how you do a relationship because a relationship of any kind involves more than one person.
MY needs and desires are to have a Wife with whom I can have a conversation, engage in physical affection, have a good time in or out of the house.
Nala’s needs and desires are to be pet, to go for a walk, to have someone play with her, to have someone help her with her training goals, to have food/water.

And there’s no… move. Like… what does Wife do for the relationship or household?
She takes care of 100% of the banking.
She does 100% of the laundry.
She does 100% of the yard work.
She does… approximately… 50% of the dishes.
She does… approximately… 70% of the Food Prep.
She’s home during the day so Nala doesn’t have to spend 10 hours a day in the Three Season Room or in a Crate.

As far as that list?
I might be able to do the banking… I just don’t have the kind of access to the accounts that she does because I can never remember the Internet Password for our Online Banking that she selected.
I could do 100% of the laundry, no problem. She doesn’t let me because she doesn’t like how I do it.
I could do the yard work but other than mowing, likely wouldn’t do much with the yard.
I could do the dishes.
I could do the food prep.

SO WHAT IS PREVENTING WIFE FROM DOING ANYTHING ABOUT OUR SITUATION?!

We’ve discussed ways that she might get help or motivation or additional resources and… nothing. She doesn’t do drugs, but she is reminding me of some of the drug parents we deal with in Juvenile Court! We’ve got all of these resources and avenues of help available for you; you just need to decide to take them! But… you’re not taking them!! Clearly, she needs some kind of massive shakeup or something but… I don’t know what it is going to take!

Clearly this will be brought up in counseling. But I’m also going to try to broach the subject tonight as well. It’s on my calendar to really discuss with her EMDR or CBT or hammer home this issue of.... what’s going on, why, and what are you planning to do about it?

Because… it’s been too long. “Wait until after Wal Mart”… okay. Wal Mart is over. Now go build whatever life you said couldn’t start until after wal-mart. “Wait until....” what? After school? After you lose weight? No more “wait until”s. Build your life. Build a partnership. DO something.

I feel like a bit of a fraud right now, I have to admit. Here I am trying to go on about being a professional but… between
(1) The weather being a giant gray wall of depression
(2) My office being involved in extraordinarily loud and intrusive construction
(3) My personal relationship issues; and
(4) My general unwillingness to engage in a phone call that promises to produce nothing....

I’m just having motivation issues today. HOWEVER that being said? Even with “motivation issues?”
I’ve already filed several briefs and motions; resolved a few cases; taken care of something 2 days in advance; and done adequate research of a legal problem on the horizon. All before noon. That is how I roll while having motivation issues.

I suppose the best thing I can do?
Waste the next 33 minutes. Go to lunch. Get some actual food and maybe some massive caffeine infusion. Make my phone calls during a moment of quiet (if I can procure, force, or create one). Finish scheduling my week out. And call it a day. Of course… in my current mood, I’m an even worse ProseBox citizen than usual. So… apologies if I’m not reading and/or noting.

Last updated June 18, 2019