self destructive vexations. cutting. unicorn. masochistic. in 2007: March 1: transferred fom FOD

no not an actual unicorn.

so my sister. is one of those people who when she’s physically hurt is public about it. i am not. like. when people look after themselves when something happens. i actually get embarrassed. and annoyed. particularly when it’s a lady i know. and w/ her esp. [well also i don’t like her so.]. w/ her. i’ll sometimes think ‘god can’t you do that later?’ when i’m. you know not. in her company. i know what i should say but i just like. ignore the person. also it creates this awkwardness for me. like great now i’m sitting here feeling awkward. awesome. anyone else like this or? i don’t talk about it a whole lot bc i feel like. really weird about it. i’m not a v. sympathetic person actually. which. probably sounds cold. yeah given this. it’s a good thing i don’t want kids.

um. right. whereas when people cut or do something else self destructive. on purpose. then i kindof feel bad for them cause it’s a manifestation of something they’re going through. well actually.........it was maybe 10 yrs. ago or so. there used to be a website dedicated. to people posting pictures. photos of their cuts. yes from cutting. i mean i never did cause frankly that doesn’t appeal to me. i won’t say what the website was. but that’s like a manifestation. that’s like intentional. self destruction. which. as i’ve mentioned. ya know? i feel bad for them cause. this person is going through something so they self destruct in some way. not. oh they accidentally broke their foot or whatever. it’s weird that i have more sympathy for something that’s intentional and self destructive then i do. otherwise. and i used to hate it when people were cold towards people who. got hurt and it wasn’t intentional. like well guess what i’m the same way! i have compassion in general though just. not regarding that.

also. i cut for 10 yrs. so. yeah. i drink a helluva lot but don’t take photos of what it is i’m drinking. cause that doesn’t appeal to me. pop pills every so often. [ok i haven’t done this since i was maybe 25, 26. yeah um i have depression. there’s a reason i won’t buy pills. well the real reason isn’t my depression the real reason is privacy but that being said. either way it’s good that i like. won’t do that.]. although actually in college. i took photos of pills. but that was. for art, purposes not me. like me actually, you know. but in a way it’s kindof like that. and maybe it’s cause we live in such a public world or. idinno. [which. is ironic cause my sister no longer has a facebook.]. no back in the 20th cent. if ladies got physically hurt. unintentionally. not by anyone else. they didn’t talk about it. no they dealt w/ it. idinno i correlate it w/ the way children are. well some children. the ones who are loud. and whinge about things. [well i do that too i’m just. quiet about it guilty as charged.]. i guess. idinno i see being public about certain things as a form of being ‘loud’, in a way.

so i was thinking about it and. people even though i don’t do this, anymore. it’s been a little over 6 yrs. um anyway. but yeah some people have vexations about my cutting. which of course is a form of self destruction. ok well. so i think. in a somewhat, indirect vague way. sorry that wasn’t clear. no i mean. in some weird, vague, indirect way i think. that maybe people having um vexations. is a slight form of emotional self destruction. i don’t really see having vexations about someone as a positive i really don’t. i don’t dislike myself so much to where. i’m going to choose. to have vexations about someone and then be upset. like wow. frankly that sounds masochistic to me. it’s not ‘oh so i’m going to feel worse about myself by caring about this person and then being vexed by something they’re doing/not doing and then getting upset’. fine you want to be masochistic ok. no. i have depression. i can do that without external help. i can do a perfectly fine job of that. this is how i feel about the makeup industry. not like the selling. of makeup. no but when people in dept. stores or w/ give makeovers. like thanks.

‘that sounds masochistic to me’ ok wow. that might be one of the most hypocritical things i’ve ever said considering i used to cut. no i know. people must get something out of having vexations otherwise they wouldn’t do it. have them.

or i’m not going to patronise someone by worrying about them. i’m like ‘you’ll be fine. you know what to do if something happens. and if not you can figure it out you’re capable’. i actually. though not like verbally. give people credit for being capable, self sufficient beings. like if someone’s sick i’m that way.

also. i act the way i want other people to which apparently. is really difficult for people to understand. but anyway. like i have depression. and so. neurologically. the part of my brain that has to do w/ like. well caring. [i kindof don’t like that word cause it’s too nice a word] when the depression hits. doesn’t light up. i know cause i’ve seen brain scans. not. er i mean. like i’ve seen them of other people’s brains. online. not people i know. and even though. i understand why i’m like this. it’s still frustrating that other people aren’t. like the lady i live w/. if i haven’t done something [taking out my trash for example.]. then she might be like ‘oh she hasn’t done this in awhile. now it’s time for me to worry about that. cause omygod something could happen’. ok well if something happened as a result of that. firstoff i think i’d know. i probably wouldn’t tell someone but i think i’d know. give me a little credit. whereas w/ me. if the situation were hypothetically reversed. i’d probably be. ‘you’ll do it when you do it. and if something happens as a result of your not doing it. you’d know. this is me giving you credit’. like well. that’s not my problem. i’d probably make a terrible interventionalist. yeah so how i’d act is how i want her to. and even if i told her nothing would change so. she has all these rules she has to follow. i think that when people have vexations they’re just being dramatic. i also don’t believe in getting involved. oh also. we have um. 3 other people living in the house besides us. so no. i don’t think it’s only about me. she’s never said as much and i haven’t told her that but i’m pretty smart.

so. the woman i first lived w/ like. um a little over 4. yrs. ago. for mmm maybe 3 months. she didn’t get so involved. [ok so again. i only lived w/ her for 3 months or so] yes and that’s what i liked about her. i related more to her then i do this lady. she was. more real. [ok well that sounds weird.]. but. the people she worked for. thought i should live w/ someone who actually. like gets involved. right so now i feel alone great thanks. and stephanie was too involved. she was too. there and i don’t mean like. physically. no but she was intense and well not quiet. she came off as clingy. but anyway. the house was v. loud. i do miss the chaos of living there though. if i had my way as in if was allowable. would i. go and live w/ the first woman? um. well yeah. right cause again. the relating thing. but how things are for 3 months might not be the same as. how they’d be. after a longer period of time. no but the people she worked for wouldn’t allow that. the way that woman was. in that regard is the way i am.

i think. on some level i’ve always liked it better living at the first place. bc of what i’ve already stated. yeah i remember. and this is how much i’ll take ‘no’ for an answer. i will. take it for an answer btw if that wasn’t clear. well she had surgery for. something. she’d brought a friend which is fine. but after. the woman. not the friend was the one who drove us back. well i wasn’t going to argue w/ her about it i don’t do that. i’m just like ‘well ok.............’. also her decision didn’t really have. that much of an impact on me. and i feel like people expect it to. and that’s frustrating to. like someone tells me ‘no’ when it comes to things like that. then i won’t push. also pushing someone won’t do much it’s only wasting my time and effort so. but apparently some people like. wasting their time and effort.

i remember. once w/ my psych. she told me something like ‘i’m only willing to work as hard as you are’. thank god. no i mean it. it’s more. equal that way. i’ve gotten used to it but i don’t want that to change.

um. sorry went off on a tangent there. um. unicorn no not an actual unicorn. so. again cutting is something i used to do. so yes it did exist. just like w/ unicorns in that. they once existed. but they don’t anymore. right just like w/ my cutting. i find it slightly absurd and hilarious that people are vexed about something i. haven’t done in a little over 6 yrs. yes i have sewing scissors in my purse. in an altoids tin. yes for that purpose. of sewing. or opening things. i have needles in my comp. case. for...........sewing sewing needles along w/ thread. they don’t know about those cause well. what good would them knowing do? um none really. i’m not going to incriminate myself. it’s funny in an odd way. a few times. back when i was cutting i um scratched. which. they don’t know that. a person can use. various things for the purpose of cutting/self destruction in that way. i know. i cut for 10 yrs. and so you know. i thought about the um. various items. never went to extremes w/ it though btw. some people do but that was never me.

what’s interesting. is that since i’ve moved in w/ this lady. no one has said much about my eating disorder. [well. undiagnosed and no one but like me. in my life refers to it as such. and like i said i have been eating more.]. but yeah. i don’t know how much i weigh and i don’t want to. [i’m a small 5‘4 - average height - woman if that means anything.]. and i don’t want them to know. at stephanie’s it was more. public. someone would order like. fries for me or w/e. w/ whatever they got. i’d have nutella sandwiches...........um graham crackers at times. there was probably more which i’m forgetting. ok so not a lot. i’d go to the place she worked for and get weighed. and here. none of that. the lady doesn’t order um takeout or w/e it’s called. no that’s the word. but like. at times - at night - i’ve gone into the kitchen and gotten bacon. or fries. not um my fries..........i love fries. yeah exactly in that context that’s the problem! or turkey. [it’s ok.]. spicy chicken. venison i think a few times? yeah so. i’m not actually a vegetarian. well. obviously. um. chips. i’d make their pasta. microwave when i either didn’t have any or felt like something different. i’d have onions. well. i mean a bit. strawberries. i’m not a huge melon fan which is probably good, considering. egg noodles those are good. like. i like that no one’s said much about my ED. they don’t know. like actually currently know. about my drinking cause i don’t um. drink straight liquor. exactly. [well i don’t go out at night anymore. i stopped that when i had that cops encounter last feb. otherwise i probably still would. see above regarding depression.].

it’s funny. yeah at the last mtng. the one my sister was at. emily was like ‘well what if you’d been sick and you were sick for a long time?’ regarding. my having missed meetings w/ her. wow. there’s that presumption that i would tell. someone. oh that’s funny. i have a weird sense of humor at times. whereas w/ me. i’m like ‘oh i was supposed to have a meeting w/ this person but they didn’t come. that’s weird’ but i don’t think like. it’s a big thing or anything. also as i might’ve mentioned i’m not a big fan, of emily. she’s loud and well. intense in that way.

um. again went off another tangent. i guess. my point to all this was. since i see. having vexations as an odd, vague, indirect form. of slight emotional self destruction. some of the people in my life. who have vexations about my well nonexistant cutting. we’re really not that different. to me. it would make a lot more sense. to have vexations if i still was. which. again i’m not. i mean yeah i’m self destructive. but not. in that way. anymore. [well yes. and no? maybe? if i don’t drink i go through withdrawl and that’s. that’s not good. so. no wait..........um. no but it’s bc i started drinking in the first place. ok. back when i was 24. and i mean like heavily drinking not like. every few months like i used to do in college. ok so no i guess. ‘yes’ would be accurate. so nvrm i stand corrected.]. again. a lot more sense. i know. btw that cutting. made things worse for me. right well so does them having vexations! that’s exactly my point.

people might think ‘oh but you should care’. ok again. part of the fact that i don’t all that much is not my fault. it’s neurological. [again i said ‘part of the fact’.]. i feel like. even if/though people logically understand that. they don’t um otherwise.