More Marital in Book Six: Trying to Hold On 2019

I don’t know if this is just venting or if perhaps my statements might be able to help others who experience similar concepts. Obviously, I would hope for the latter but ultimately… I don’t get to choose whether my words are instructional or therapeutic. We just wait to see if someone at some point in the future finds them and learns from them. That’s the difference.

My wife has stopped directly criticizing me for playing video games; but does confess her confusion. It is required that I state she shares her confusion while toiling away on the same damned Cell Phone Game (whether Toon Blast or 2 Lines or whatever the hell she’s dedicating her ‘accidental time’ to).

So, I love video games. Borderlands, Mortal Kombat, Soul Calibur, Comic Book Games (Batman, Spider-Man), etcetera. This has been true since 1988. True story. One I’m not particularly proud of. Like… seriously… my parents knew I loved video games, so actively attempted to make it more difficult for me to have access to them, so I developed Social Skills for Manipulation directly to use other kids for access to their Nintendo Systems. Yes, yes… I’m a shit. I learned at an early age to use people for my own interests. Something I still struggle with. Not the “manipulating people” thing.... the fact that I was a social manipulator specifically seeking to sate my own desires. I… I honestly think I really fucked up the way I even SEE friendships with that social fuckery. BUT setting that aside for a second.... I return to the original statement: I love video games. AND while Wife hasn’t complained about me playing video games recently (she shouldn’t… every second last week NOT spent in classes was spent with her and the dog)… even still… she does not come downstairs. At all. Hell, the dog spent Saturday sleeping next to me on the Downstairs Sectional… Wife spent the entire day upstairs watching Horror Movies, Pose, and Animal Planet. When I explained to her what I was doing in my game downstairs (massive end-game grinding) she looked at me with a mixture of shock and disgust and stated, “You really want to play like that?” An element where we both are correct. She is correct in that grinding is a relatively terrible way in which modern games have extended their Play Life. Essentially it is the literal version of someone saying, “If our mission is kill 8 rats; our end game mission should be kill 80000 rats! That way our game has a longer play rating!” And frankly… that is like “Cheap Difficulty” in as much as frustrating game mechanics. (“Cheap Difficulty” is when, instead of increasing the NUMBER of enemies you simply increase the HP of enemies… so instead of making 9 enemies with 10 HP… you take 1 enemy and give them 90 HP… thus taking an enemy that could have been killed with a headshot and turning him into a freaking Elder God that needs 4 rockets directly to the face). HOWEVER despite “grinding” being frustrating and sometimes hurting the Enjoyment of a Game… sometimes it is damned freaking necessary. For Example: I wish to defeat the Final Boss in my video game. He is a “Level 50 Raid Boss”… which means… if I attack as a solo player at my current level (51)… I AM GOING TO DIE! Experienced gamers will quickly point out.... “Duh. Raid Boss! The name implies that you need multiple players to beat him.” And that gamer is correct. This enemy would be defeated much faster were I to have other players. HEREIN ENTERS THE ISSUE: my wife used to play video games. She would co-op Halo with me constantly and play it herself as well. That is… BEFORE WE GOT MARRIED. Since we got married? DESPITE actually ASKING for certain video games for gifts (and me subsequently BUYING THEM FOR HER)… she hasn’t touched a controller in 8 years. Literally, the video games she requested that I bought for her? Still have the fucking clingwrap on them! We went from the pastor that married us mentioning Guilty Spark during our wedding… to Wife not even being DOWNSTAIRS because she “doesn’t see the point in video games” despite being massively addicted to her cell phone games. But what I’m really (honestly) trying to say is.....
I’m in a portion of the game that takes grinding. As some know, grinding solo takes a lot of time. For example… I am currently working on a mission that says, “Kill 7,890 enemies while crouched using a single fire weapon”. YOU THINK THAT MIGHT TAKE TIME?! BUT here’s the thing… grinding? Is better with a co-op partner. Pretend that me and MYSTERIOUS CO-OP PARTNER were on equal levels, therefore 7890 was divided perfectly in half. 3945. SO… if we can assume that it takes approximately 40 seconds to dispatch one enemy… solo I’m looking at roughly 88 hours of doing that same task!! IF Wife were willing to (1) come downstairs; (2) pick up the controller she asked me to buy her special; and (3) play the game WITH me… those 88 hours we’re apart and she’s thinking there is a problem? Could be condensed to 44 hours of doing something together where we might actually create memories.

For those who question this last portion, I have stories. I don’t know if it is because my brain is weird and acts this way or if this is how all Human Brains work but… if I’m playing a video game that I’ve played before? If anything of emotional or historical importance happened while I was playing that section before… I get a STRONG flashback. STRONG. Like… Duke Nukem 64 had an expansion where people could create their own levels. There was one level that was entirely jungle BUT FOR one building. Any time I even THINK about that level I remember three separate events. (1) In Home Bible Study: when I visited a friend’s house for bible study and realized for the first time… in the middle of Gated Community Country Club City in a house worth 8 figures surrounded by white privileged Christians focusing hatefully on “deviant sexuality”… I realized that it is easy to hate people who are different when you never have to interact with them; (2) Outdoor Experience: when my Dad took me to a similar IRL environment of forests surrounding a small simple concrete building and I saw my first Large Adult Falcon; (3) Internal Sexual Experience: when I was playing the game and DOS crashed which sent me to the open IMAGE files that our house guest had pulled up and they were pictures of naked women. ONE video game memory… THREE IRL memories.
And as the graphics in games got better? The memories became stronger. 100% true ANY time I play a specific Multiplayer Map in Destiny? I miss my law school friends. Call it a fluke, but whenever all of us were on-line, exhausted from studying from the bar, it seemed like ONE specific map would be “randomly” selected every time. That map is as much a part of my Law School History as the Cafeteria in the School itself. Fuck, I can still tell you a second by second account of the first time I beat Kintaro in Mortal Kombat 2. Seriously. SECOND BY SECOND… and that happened at least 23 years ago!!!!

So… my Wife sits upstairs, playing her cell phone game, thinking that I am “wasting so much time” grinding on this game. And I’m thinking… “If she would only come down and play with me… the game would finish faster and we could create memories together.” ::shakes head::

There’s more, of course.

Today is her 39th birthday. She doesn’t want to do anything about it. At all. Because “what’s the point?” Typically in years past, she’s said the same thing but at least lied about the reasons behind it. Almost always the lie is “After 25 the only birthdays that matter end in 0”. She’s not the first person to say that. But… we were together for her 30th birthday. Fuck, I’d proposed roughly 40 days before it! And the ultimate truth is… Wife sees ZERO reason to celebrate the day she came to this earth. And as she grows older? It transfers. It started as “Zero reason to celebrate the day she came to earth” and has grown to “Every year is another reminder of the fact that she’s never accomplished anything and hates her life.” So… (sarcasm) a truly festive mood!

This year started with a perfect reminder of who she is and where she is.
She sleeps in ONLY her panties. That’s just to set the tone. I often wish to spoon, touch her legs, kiss her face, touch her boobs, rub her back, pinch her nipples… fucking SOMETHING. But she doesn’t want any of it. Ever. No physical contact. FINE.
When she woke up this morning, she put on a gray tank top and a pair of white athletic shorts. My honest internal monologue was: “Mmmmm. Such a pretty face on such an attractive body with such wonderful legs!“
I walked over to give her a hug. She accepted the first hug. Then I said, “Get used to that. You’re supposed to get 39 hugs today. Hugs are much more appropriate than a spanking, yes?” In this way, I gave her the opportunity to say either (1) “Yes, I’d rather hugs than spanking”; (2) “, spanking is traditional and preferable”; or (3) “Neither is required, thank you.” She simply fell silent. Shrugged off the next hug because I was “interfering with her (cell phone) game.” Okay, fine. But as she stood up to walk to the kitchen, I got a good view of her. A 39 year old that could easily pass for 30. I remarked, “You look really good today. Youthful, sexy. That’s a nice look.” Her response? WAS CRUSHING.
(1) She said, “You’re stupid!” That was it. I tell her that she looks good. I express to her the fact that I find her visually pleasing. And she retorts with an insult to my intelligence.
(2) After I retreat to the basement (because fuck you) when I return upstairs, she has changed into something much more baggy and less revealing. Yes, it does feel strange to suggest that “workout wear” is “the revealing” option for Wife. But when I return, despite it being summer in Iowa, Wife is in long pants and a hoodie covering everything but her feet and her face. Great, THANKS! Thank you for sending me the message that I can’t even so much as COMPLIMENT YOUR APPEARANCE without you wanting to go in the exact opposite, contrarian way. (Sarcastic) Awesome. (Sarcastic) Thank you!

So… we’ve established…
(1) Stating that I am in a grinding phase and would love to spend time with Wife in a VR World? Rejection.
(2) Wishing to share my world of Video Games, thus buying Wife video games she’s EXPRESSLY REQUESTED? Rejection
(3) Stating that Wife is attractive? Rejection.
(4) Stating that Wife is attractive? Rejection to a point of changing behavior/outfit/reality

And I appreciate, accept, and honor the fact that Wife can feel anyway she wants. It’s HER birthday after all. But… it would be nice… if once… just ONCE my Wife would respond to a compliment positively. OR accept the fact that her husband finds her sexually attractive. OR act in anyway positively about the fact that (even when she doesn’t see it) her husband finds her visually pleasing. And it isn’t that I’m saying “Hey, nice tits” and grabbing her boobs. Even something as, “You look really good today” is met with “You’re stupid.”