Can't Write, Can't Type, Can't See... Oh My, Oh Me #6 in General Mental Anesthesia

CONTINUED FROM PREVIOUS ENTRIES #1, #2, #3, #4 & #5

I’d love new readers, everyone is always welcome to read my words, but these last few entries really rely heavily on one another so starting here may lead to some confusion.

And for those following along, this entry ends where the last one did; it’s an emotional kick in the gut, you may want to have a tissue handy.

MAY 21, 2019

Not how I wanted to spend my day/night. Triage in the hospital.

Most likely c-diff.

Also, my bronchitis that I’ve been fighting for a month now and given antibiotics for (which caused the likely c-diff) is actually viral according to the ER Dr., so it was all pointless.

Yesterday at my gastroenterologist appt; actually on the drive over, I suddenly got VERY nauseous. I said to my mom: “omg, I’m really carsick!”

Then when I got to the Dr’s, I was ok until waiting in the room for my GI when I got so nauseous I had to run to the bathroom (where I dry heaved). I was then alright during the appt, but on the way home I was EXTREMELY nauseous, dizzy, lightheaded & had a headache. I then threw up in the car (in my hands).

Mom pulled over and I puked outside, and I mean growling, violent puking!

When we continued, I threw up again in the car.

At home, I threw up about 10 more times and dry heaved about 15 times from 3pm to 3am. I got about an hour of sleep before the violent vomiting happened again.

Keep in mind that in the last 72 hours all I’ve eaten is one biscotti and a small cup of soup. So all this vomiting is mostly stomach acid or the little bit of water or Gatorade that I can’t keep down.

Now, I know my body and understand my disease #ulcerativecolitis. Nausea & throwing up is a part of severe attacks, but this is different because the nausea isn’t going away (even when I take Zofran) which usually works. Plus, the non-stop dizziness, lightheadedness & this headache… 30+ hours of this, never fading, never going away… Something is wrong, this is abnormal.

C-diff has mild, moderate and severe symptoms and is lethal within 30 days of contracting it, killing 30k people a year! I have several moderate to severe symptoms which means I’ve likely had it for several days.

I’ve been in the hospital now about 8 - 9 hours. Can barely keep my head up and eyes open. X-rays, cat scans… I’ve lost 7 more pounds in the last 2 days ( almost 40 in the last 2 months).

Oh, and icing on the cake… my back is freaking killing me!!!

not feeling well amigos
😷🤢😥🤢😢🤢😭🤢🤢🤢

MAY 22, 2019

(Continuation from previous post)

After all that, I was released from the hospital. And not only was I released, but I was released early this morning (very early) and they knew I had no ride home or money for a cab etc…

Mom can’t drive at night and I have no one else within a 1000 miles to pick me up. They also won’t let you wait in the waiting area all night, so I was kicked out and essentially homeless.

Homeless, nauseous, dizzy and sick as all hell! Back spasming and I had my backpack with me full of clothes & toiletries (in case I was admitted) that I now had to carry.

I actually started walking to a 24 hour IHOP 2.2 miles away, but after almost falling a dozen times, I finally collapsed. That’s when I broke down and called my brother out in Seattle and he sent me enough money for cab fare. I didn’t want to take it, I don’t like being indebted to anyone and I already owe him so much, and I have no way of paying him back.

First, I reported the social worker because when I asked to see her, she said that there were many other patients in front of me. Ok, no problem, I understand (at the time I figured I was going to be admitted, but just in case, I wanted to ask about a cab voucher). She said she didn’t know if she could get to me in time if I am released.

As you read, I was released… after waiting a couple of hours in ER, I asked to speak with her again, but she told the front desk that she was too busy. Excuse me??? Most of her patients are admitted, I know (I’m usually one of them!) I, on the other hand am sick, can barely stand, am throwing up, dizzy, lightheaded, dripping blood from everywhere and she can’t take 3 minutes to make a call on my behalf?!?!

I then reported the on call gastroenterologist for telling the ER dr. to write me a script for a medication I’m allergic to. Neither one of them bothered to look at my chart! I mean, it’s the single most basic responsibility of your job!!!!!!!!!! WTF am I even wearing this bright ass orange ALLERGY bracelet for????????

I reported the emergency Dr. that ‘treated’ me (FOR SEVERAL REASONS).

Now, he suspects I have c-diff based on my pain & symptoms, he conferred with my GI’s office who said the same thing. I should have been admitted as c-diff is not only lethal to me, but to others as it’s highly contagious and easily contactable. So much so that when you are hospitalized for it, you are completely isolated. Dr’s and nurses don’t walk into your room without wearing a protective gown, gloves and mask. So what does he do? He sends me home to possibly infect and kill my mother. That sounds like a responsible decision.

On top of that, he clearly doesn’t give a shit about his patients!

1. He said he was going to give me nausea medication & pain medication before I was released. He did neither!

2. When I was talking to him about my meds… I said that pain management had me on oxycodone with acetaminophen (aka: Percocet) and it was ineffective working just 20% of the time and at best took away 20% of the pain. So pain management took me off of it and onto Fentanyl patches. Now if he bothered to look up my chart which he has immediate access to, he’d not only see the strength of the oxy at 10-325 (with an additional extra strength Tylenol (acetaminophen)) but that I was taken off it because it didn’t work. So what does he do? He writes me a prescription for oxy at 5-325 (half the dose that I was taking that didn’t work).

3. I also mentioned that I was on Tessalon pearls for the bronchitis and it didn’t work. So instead of checking my chart where he’d see that I was on 200mg, he wrote me a script for Tessalon pearls 100mg. (btw… NOT covered by medicaid).

4. Here’s the straw that broke the camels back. On my chart it says that I’m allergic to sulfa based medications. Also, that regarding my #ulcerativecolitis no medications work, not Asacol, lialda, apriso, Humira, chemo etc.. all failed and then some. Now, I know he spoke with the GI Dr. on call from my GI’s office, so this blame goes on BOTH OF THESE MORONS!!!! Of course he comes back and writes me a prescription for balsalazide, a colitis based medication that (if you look it up) says not to take if you are allergic to SULFA BASED MEDICATIONS!!!

I’m used to being treated like this having gone 22 years without health insurance, but now that I have medicaid, I thought I’d be treated a little better… guess not.

This photo of pills… that’s all the prescriptions I was sent home with that my mom just picked up. (I was so sick, dizzy, nauseous, in pain and just out of it) to read the paperwork in the hospital, I couldn’t even glance at it, so I didn’t know that half of it is useless. My mom just lives off of Social Security (and barely at that!) She spent a lot of money on these meds hoping to help me out since I can’t do anything for myself. She just wants me to feel better, and now we can’t get that money back.

To avoid all of this, to not have to deal with this hell and incompetence anymore… I need just one thing and one thing only… to see Dr. Mackey.

PLEASE HELP ME HERE

You guys know I hate asking, I love you guys so much, but please continue to share the above link (FB, Twitter, other social media, with family (PLEASE ASK OTHERS TO SHARE AS WELL) especially with coworkers, at school, church & synagogues etc…) Every little bit goes not just to help me, but in literally saving my life!

MAY 26, 2019

THIS BIT GETS A LITTLE TOUGH…

This is in response to the last post I made in my previous entry here on PB. So if you were to go back one entry and scroll down… I responded to a friend of mine that reached out to me because I hadn’t been around / writing posts / entries for a while. Then when I did, it really spiraled into a diatribe of depression. As difficult as it is, I think it’s more important to share, so…

“Idk man… I’m not trying to be macho or anything, but I don’t cry. I’m a sentimental guy and I just don’t cry, it’s not me. Now though… it’s just unfathomable to me that anyone can be in this kind of pain. I’m going through it and I can’t understand it. It’s unlivable!!!

My brain literally can’t register it. I’m crying all the fucking time!!! or teary-eyed. Sometimes just thinking of what I’m going through causes me to cry. It’s unbelievable!

Physical pain, mental anguish, loneliness…

It’s ironic, but even if I were there or you were here, I wouldn’t want you to see me like this. I don’t want anyone to. I can’t even look in the mirror.

Mentally… idk, The truth is… the only reason I haven’t killed myself is my mom. I just can’t do that to her. I hope that doesn’t piss you off. You have every right to be upset and angry if I were to do that to you. My sister, my brother… I know. I have had a few friends kill themselves and I definitely felt that way when Gersh killed himself. You’re one of the first and closest friends I made in florida, but he actually was the first! And remember, I was his roommate at the time.

I was upset, I still am 15 years later. I also get it; not his reasons entirely, I don’t think he fought hard enough to overcome and he had a tremendous support system. I, on the other hand have been fighting my entire life. I think that if I killed myself, anyone that knew me (particularly growing up) would understand. In fact they’d say: I’m surprised he lasted this long. I know I am.

I’ve always understood suicide having dealt with it most of my life in one fashion or another and just about life long depression, but if you survive all that just to be rendered useless by excruciating physical and relentless agony… Idk… I don’t know how it’s survivable. I mean… nobody can help me man.

(I’m crying now).

I’m trying, I’m trying so hard but failure is everywhere. My primary Dr, my GI’s, my hematologist, urologist, orthopedic surgeons, chemotherapy… Everything they try fails. every day is worse. At first it was just ulcerative colitis and back pain, but now both of those are 1000x worse. So many herniated and bulging discs, degenerative arthritis in my spine… damage here, damage there; I have respiratory issues, blood clots in my lungs, broken bones, joint pains from my head to my toes, vomiting, coughing, my skin hurts… I can’t do this, I can’t do that, I can’t even do nothing!!! And there’s just blood fucking everywhere!!! Medications don’t work or if they do, they counteract or interact with other meds, the side-effects are hell!!! Literally side-effects have rotted my bones (trust me, you don’t want to know what that feels like!!!) destroyed my memory, how I act & react. I can barely walk, I can barely talk, I can’t even breathe and Dr’s can’t figure out why. I’m solely focused on ended the torment!!!

I wish I could work, I wish I could focus on something else, anything else!!!

I live and breathe horror, you’ve seen my films, my writing, theatrical pieces and props; you know this. I can think up some really sick and twisted shit, but this is unimaginable.

Many times I’ve been told to write about it, a book, a script etc… I’ve even been paid to do it, but every time I try, I break down in tears. I, just can’t. I want to but I can’t.

Idk… words don’t do it justice. I can’t explain what it’s all truly like. I’ve won awards for my writing and I honestly don’t think there are words. I can fill anybody up with descriptions of this or that, but it’d be a fraction of the reality.

I’m choking on my own thoughts; I’m so far under quicksand, when I try to draw breath… in comes mud and muck.

It’s pretty fucking bad man…

It’s pretty fucking bad.”

Last updated June 16, 2019