Jinxed Myself in Current Events

I don’t know how to start this entry. My sister Miranda called me while I was out with some friends this evening. She asked me to take her to the Health Science Centre. (It’s a special hospital) She explained to me that her boyfriend had relapsed a while ago and had been drinking again which is why they’ve been so strapped for cash. He got a DUI and lost his license which both of his jobs required. They got into a fight and she had to call an ambulance to take him away. He was trying to hurt himself. She needed me to take her to that hospital so that she could tell the nurses and staff there about his addiction so that they will admit him into a detox program. She also explained to me how embarrassing this situation has been and that is why she hasn’t told any of us about it before.

My mother left for the weekend. She had already dumped her responsibilities with her mother on me. She also prepped me a bit on the Miranda situation. She told me to be there for her and to be nice to her. Only, she was not aware of how bad this situation actually is. I did not want to do it. I did not want to take her to that hospital. Especially this late at night. It’s right in the heart of the slums. I don’t care about what happens with her boyfriend but she said that she would be able to move out safely if she got him locked away so I did it. My social anxiety is bad enough around civilized people but damn, as soon as we walked into the waiting room of that hospital it was packed. It was a fucking party. Everybody was watching some basketball game. Staff, security and people waiting to get a bed. Almost everybody was drunk. My sister’s boyfriend was in the back in a wheelchair between two officers. There was a minimum six-hour wait and we did not have time for that. She’s too afraid to take a sick day because her boss is trying to get her fired. She has corporate and HR involved in that situation at her work. Her boss has been bullying and harassing her. Accusing her of theft, being a drunk and a drug addict. Accusations that force her to provide drug tests that she passes every single time. She is the only person that gets this treatment.

I was so angry but patient with her. Not while I was driving though. I hate being in bad neighbourhoods and everybody was out partying. People actually tried to get into my car… like fuck! She was on and on about how we don’t care about her and that we think she is an embarrassment. Then she told me that she tried to take her own life several times. That we would be better off without her and that we would probably just take a sigh of relief to be free of her drama. She contributes nothing to society and that she just doesn’t care about anything anymore. Fuck! I am not qualified to deal with this. I told her that I listened to understand her and the only thing I am to say is that she does not get to tell me how I feel. She doesn’t get to tell me if I care or if I feel a sort of way about her. I tried to explain to her that she needs to just make better choices but she said “you have it all” in response to that. I told her that she doesn’t know anything about me and what I am going through. Nobody ever asks! And she believes that is the problem with our family. Well… fuck! I can’t reason with her. She wants to blame her boyfriend and family and the world for her problems and I can’t get through to her. I am not qualified to handle suicidal people. She needs help! I dropped her off at home, I could not talk her into coming home with me.

When I got back I filled my other sister in. Her twin. She was like “and you just left her there!?” and I called my mother and she was so unimpressed that I bothered her. It’s summer now so that means that she will be out of town every fucking weekend. She was mad that I left her there. Apparently, there is no power in that house. She demanded that I go back but I did not want to. I’m in over my head. My sister, the one I live with, asked me to watch her kids and she went over there for the night. So yeah, now we’re all on suicide watch. I don’t want to make this all about me but I’m just pissed that this was all put on me. This situation finally blew up and now we’re all going to have to get involved to help put her back together. I tried explaining to her that she does have support. She said that was just obligation, we don’t actually want to help her......................... god I can’t stand it when people just want me to feel sorry for them! I’m not heartless here I just… this situation is too fresh and I don’t know how to approach it yet. I am not responsible for her and I don’t know how to help her just yet. I’ll be all in once I know what to do.

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ok, I can’t sleep. I keet picturing my life without my baby sister and my heart keeps breaking. My other sister came back, they both went for a drive to grab something to eat. Her boyfriend is back home, they don’t have room for him at the HSC. He can’t detox? He’s lying. I know he is. Miranda feels better that she finally got to come clean about everything to us. She’s been too embarrassed. I’ve been telling all of them that her text messages and DM’s about borrowing money was actually him. She could not bring herself to read those. He would just send outside to grab the cash from them. The one that she texted me last week was actually her. I knew that wasn’t him so that is why I did it. She actually did need that small loan to save her job. Also, my mother’s boyfriend called her and offered her and only her a place to stay. This might actually be it, she might finally leave him. Time will tell. I felt bad at first that I got everybody else involved. They were all in bed. I don’t feel bad anymore. I believe she finally sees that she does have support and love from us. That we do care. I told her that was her depression talking. That it is not true. It’s going to be hard to get that to sink in. I’ve been there. I hope this is all works out. Frig. She was such a strong, independent, proud woman full of life before she met him.

This year has been an interesting one. Just a couple of months ago I was saying that I am the best I’ve ever been. Work was never better, my finances were never better, my health was never better etc. Oh yeah, I didn’t mention that I was at my doctor’s today. We’re trying to figure out what is going on with my thyroid. So much for perfect health. However, I suspect it’s nothing. This period of my life should be rock bottom for me but… I have too much faith in myself. I still feel like everything is on my side. It’s weird. I know. So not how I would be handling things 4 years ago.

Last updated June 14, 2019