titus pt. 3. family stuff my dad taking things seriously. drug addiction. my sister. the 'remember when....?' game and why i hate it. in 2019

I have this fear I’ll turn out like my dad. ok let me clarify: he’s not a bad guy or anything. no it’s just. the first few times he heard about his mom’s drinking he denied it. and. he saw the brain scan. [btw that’s not what she died from.]. and then the last time he told me the story he seemed to. somewhat get it. but i don’t ever want to come off like i’m in denial about someone else’s addiction and not. take it seriously. i. i have depression and when i experience it and it gets. very bad i. really experience it. [well i’m also deep like emotionally.]

hey and on that note. the meds/drugs one. so my sister used to do drugs. it’s ok. [i mean it’s not of course but this isn’t a sympathy plea. no.]. when she first started she was i think 15. i was 17. and it seemed. at the time she wasn’t super nice she was just standard nice. do i wish she still was? well only for that reason she was. less intense. well and also i knew something was different but didn’t know for awhile what. i didn’t have to think about it i wasn’t vexed by it. it was just. i’m good. and then she started up again 4........and a half yrs. ago. and i miss that. mildness for me, it was great. [not for her obviously. never done hard drugs but i’m an addict of a different kind.]. like i’m a. functioning alcoholic nobody. wants to see me go through withdrawl i don’t even like that. i’m not. proud of that but here we are and i am one. so yeah there’s this sense of. loss, on my end. a nonphysical “death”, as it were. like it’s sad but. idinno. no ya know what? it is sad the way i view it. the the nonphysical. yeah.

so i was thinking about cher, the other day. yes that cher. [well i don’t know that there’s another famous one.]. um. and it was when her. son, [right? that is correct right?] transitioned. and it was on the Today Show or something like that. and she was saying how. she wanted to hear his/her? voice again you know, prior to the transition. and that’s how i feel w/ my sister’s recovery from drug addiction. which. recovered [well. i mean like. physically and stuff] 4.5 yrs. ago. people would be like ‘oh that’s so great’ ok you don’t understand. yes for her.

it is. but ironically. we were closer back when she was doing drugs. [not that we’re close now. as we’re not.]. #cher

and the other thing. about back when my sister was doing drugs. back in HS that is. is it made her real. human. [er and what was she before? ariel? although the end of the orig. story was quite sad.]. no um. i don’t mean it like that i mean um. it was a real problem. so is cutting. so we’d talk about. our addictions. ya know. where the hell was ursula? no actually ursula was rehab, in a sense. and after that my sister. didn’t have any real, deep, personal, psych. problems. so. i couldn’t relate to her. i seem to have a real thing about others’ perfectionism. like come on. be someone i can relate to. who wants a window that looks too perfect? i don’t. [and if it looks too perfect then a person could walk into it and that would be a problem. no this. isn’t a joke actually.]. i want. spiderweb cracks i want scars. no i. don’t personally want scars. i already have them literal ones. i’m not embarassed by them. i want. to read a story about a churchgoing prostitute. now there’s a story. who’s w/ me? cmon. like when she went into rehab. not in HS cause. she. stopped but in HS for the life of me i don’t remember if she went to rehab or anything. but whatever happened. after that. i wasn’t one of the few she went to. and. i’m a little bit entitled. honestly. i liked that we had that and i liked that it seemed. real and. human weirdly enough. but then ‘ursula’ came and did her. reverse ariel thing and. damnit. yeah if she hadn’t gone. to ‘ursula’ maybe. i wouldn’t resent perfectionism. no cause there wouldn’t be anything there to resent. did i go to anyone to help me stop cutting no i did not. it just wasn’t doin much for me after awhile.

‘well what about what she was like before she did drugs?’ look even if i remember that. i hate that question. i don’t want to remember that. not bc it was bad. but bc. i don’t relate to it. my dad used to do that ‘remember when.......?’ i don’t know who the hell you’re talking about. cause it was normal. too normal. maybe. no in a sense. my life begins at 17. [i mean not literally of course.]. cause that’s what i remember that’s what’s real to me. i don’t want anyone to ever ask about. uh ‘that’. no please for the love of god don’t. that’s one of the few areas i won’t allow questions. off the table. anyway. 17, 23, 24, 25. 9 - 11. those are my most vivid years. and ages. but like ask about my depression let’s talk about mental health. or Pride or. i don’t know stuff i’m passionate about. like ‘remember when…?’ is asked. it just re-enforces both those things. and that’s why i hate it. so, ya know what? no. i kindof don’t. sorry. and it’s not that i don’t it’s that. as i’ve explained.

Last updated May 07, 2020