titus. well fuk i'm dysfunctional. in 2007: March 1: transferred fom FOD

so a couple wks. ago i started watching titus’ standup online. he’s pretty godamn hilarious for those who are into that kindof thing. and watching that helped me realise that omygod. i grew up in a slightly dysfunctional family. which i mean i knew..........but. i never like. thought of it in those terms. let’s see..........i have anxiety, depression, ptsd. another mental disorder. i’m an alcoholic. i cut for 10 yrs. last suicide attempt was feb. 2018. yeah a little over a yr. ago. my sister former drug addict. [no she’s still here. she just hasn’t done drugs in 4.5 yrs.]. um.........i think my dad has mild depression his mom was an alcoholic. and. one of my uncles is homophobic. oh yeah it’s fun being part of a dysfunctional family. it’s a godamn variety show we got dean martin up in here. well it’s certainly interesting. what else ya got universe? bring it.

so back to dysfunction: if you can’t laugh about your sad, fuked up, dysfunctional life then. what have ya got ya know? can either laugh about it or cry. and be ‘cry’ i don’t mean bitch. i mean be sad. and actually most of the time i’m the latter. but just find. something ya know? there’s not a right or wrong answer.

so titus has this thing on trophies for people who don’t win. yeah that’s kindof how i feel about the makeup industry. i got a real thing about the makeup industry. i can do a perfectly fine job of feeling bad about myself w/o their help. right cause i have depression.

Life isn’t like dating a new person. You don’t get another one. [although. some people might get another shot. at life.]. not my quote can’t take full credit. a paraphrase.

the declaration of codependence. that’s funny. that sounds like something two alcoholics who are dating would sign. declaration of codependence.

and titus. his stuff has me thinking about my own life my own. upbringing. for example: so before i was 18 i didn’t do anything like. really stupid. i didn’t drink didn’t do drugs. i cut but i didn’t stop till i was 25. so it wasn’t like there was this division between. stupid things done as a kid. and then stupid things done as an adult. no. no a couple of the big stupid things i shouldn’t’ve done. are. ‘stupid things done as an adult’.

yes i know. let’s give the depressed people medication that actually makes their depression worse. good job. that’s kindof funny i think. wait. i drink. a lot. [you’re one to talk. no i. i know. well it does help my anxiety in that it decreases it.]. <i wonder who the brilliant person who thought that up was? - i’m not asking btw so please don’t answer. correct me if i’m wrong but aren’t depression meds supposed. to you know, decrease, the depression? that’s not why i’m not on meds. no cause i can feel worse w/o doing that. and i know not all depression meds do that.
idinno. but science er the world of it rather. is changing all the time so.

so i looked it up so i’d actually know what i was talking about. cause sometimes i don’t. and turns out. i grew up in a slightly dysfunctional family. slightly. oh. no we’re good now but we were sure. a little bit. back then. when i was 17. i thought it was normal. the few
incidents that happened. which evidently is part of the definition. again. slightly. when i was 10, 13 i thought it was normal. for my grandmother to drink. i didn’t realise ‘oh there’s a problem here’. cause there. wasn’t much evidence. it wasn’t untill i was 24. so in a way i
lost her even before i actually physically. like before. she died. oh....um.

yeah well everything neck down works fine - across the universe. which is true.

i’m mentally fuked up but hey i look god. ya know? i have the skin of grace kelly and there’s my personality. [and yet my depression tells me. otherwise. well.].

i love marilyn. yes. that marilyn. no for who she was what she went through. what was behind her physicality. not like. for her profession. and she wasn’t a bad looking woman either.

oh i have this whole thing on revenge cake. see normal people who aren’t fuked up/dysfunctional. don’t give revenge cake. god..........if i’d baked a cake for valerie she. probably wouldn’tve gotten it no of course not. like no i wasn’t doing that cause i like/d her. no i was doing it cause uh. there are a lot of calories in cake. and then she’d be unhappy. [btw i don’t have this view of most people. just her.]. hypothetically. like no eat the damn cake. no. i’m not planning on baking any cakes anytime soon. i just find it funny. you know cause i didn’t like her.

Everybody I’ve ever met was destroyed by a member of the opposite sex early on and that damage you took into every relationship after that, everybody. - titus. yes. oh fuk yes. omygod. true. i have ptsd so. pretty much.

revenge by cake. when people want to be helpful but they’re not. me. soml. or like my cat depression thing. right yeah no. no cats.

me having kids w/ my family history? yeah ok. that’s funny though. that’s. that’s funny. i mean no one’s asked me why i don’t have any but oh. wow.

so much variety in slightly - very dysfunctional families whose members have some type of mental disorders/addictions. we’re like. spices. or books. or food. ya know bc hey why not?

welcome to the circus.

and the other thing about my mental disorders. is that i don’t have to er look after them. as weird as that sounds. depression’s not like ‘will you get me this?’ or whinging about how life isn’t fair. [i mean ok it’s not let’s just be honest.]. it’s not loud or all over the place
unlike some children. it’s. well behaved and quiet. like i don’t have to have vexations about my depression. or anxiety. or schizophrenia. or ptsd. i don’t have to give it food. [well. not literal food it’s not ‘here depression have some fruit. have a mango’ no in fact i shouldn’t. give it food.]. yeah. i kindof prefer mental disorders for that reason.

ya know when i was 17. it’s the other families who were weird. it wasn’t untill i got to be 24 and i told a former friend about um. the few incidents that i realised. oh. that’s not how most families function. it must be nice to not have grown up in a family like that. it was
just some vague, far off far away fantasy to me. like that’s not real. no what’s real is. how i grew up.

the other families? it was like those were families i saw on tv.

I have depression. and drink. so like ‘is she going to be happy is she going to be sad........angry........hilarious cause she’s drunk? deep......philosophical. we’re not sure’ but i can gauranfukintee ya it’ll be an adventure. there are a lot of ways this could go. so ya want an adventure yeah i’ll take ya on one. but like not a literal one. all you adventurous people out there come talk to me. read my tweets. always somethin interesting. yep that’s me. pretty much. guess who’s comin to dinner? no, really. we aren’t always sure. not cause i have MPD. cause i don’t. but no cause it’s me in general.

Normal people. don’t relate to movies w/ alleged abusive mothers. they get so surprised when they find out there are. people like that in the world. must be nice to have that. [no i’m being sincere. i think it would be maybe.]. they. didn’t grow up like that did they? right. w/
slight dysfunction. like ‘i, tonya’. but me i’m all oh yeah. on my list. ya know? fitting. dysfunction/mental disorders/addiction = same thing.
or they experience a period of depression and ‘omygod! this is the first time’ i’m over here like. yeah. this is my thousandth time. being here. used to crisis, flashbacks, whatever it is. it’s so. natural to me as going to the store is. or w/e. No they’re not. well equipped. and
i’m not being judgemental i’m jus saying. people like me are. that’s one reason i. don’t relate to my sister. other then her drug abuse [which of course wasn’t good] she didn’t have that kindof life. and i have well. i’ve gone over what i have so. 10-4.

Broken people are great. bc they get it. sad broken people are kindof the best.

and btw. i know i keep using the term ‘normal people’ but. my def. of ‘normal people’ is those who didn’t. grow up in dysfunctional families and i will always. have that def. so. and i will stand by that.

No that’s how it was w/ my mom when I was 17. arguing w/ her wasn’t the normal family arguing. it was ‘you’ve just instigated the fact you’re going to be wearing a scarf. for a different reason. for awhile but hey cmon bring it. you’ve won this alrite? you want to do this let’s
go’. and. that’s all i’ll tell. it’s really sad. actually but in some odd ways it’s darkly funny. like apparently i was on ‘the price is right’. yep. like hey come on down. you’re chosen. wait. um. wow. it was meant to be oddly funny and then.
<that took a wrong turn. sorry. but yeah no we’re good no. and untill lately there was a reason i didn’t talk about. and that’s why.
Never. challenge my mother. never challenge me either in. a big life way i don’t like it. like i won’t fight the person but i don’t like it. yeah no thank you.

Firstoff any country that doesn’t listen to their women at all is goin down - titus. oymgod. yes. so much yes. like i cried when i heard that. thank you. as a woman. bisexual. i have ptsd. but just. as a woman. thank you. omygod i. i cried. see? titus gets it. i. wow.

it’s weird. realising that i again grew up in a slightly dysfunctional family. i haven’t been to this place in such. a long time. like people that knew me in high school. most of them don’t know. i was 17 when. the incidents happened. like i didn’t talk about it. for a long time like and for good reason. or ‘others had it so much worse’. yeah and so. it whatever it was that happened. didn’t deserve to be talked about. my mom feels so bad about........stuff i know she does. and that’s why we don’t talk about it. i think it’s more. calling it what it is/was. slightly dysfunctional. it’s the phrasing ya know? like yeah i can joke about it ya know? and i have. on here pretty recently. but it is. really. fukin. sad. maybe one of these days i’ll just get drunk as fuk. and sit. and drink and just like vent on here or blog about it or w/e. i don’t get super sad drunk anymore. i don’t become a monstrosity when i’m drunk. but that’s actually a reason why i drink. so that i don’t. think about it. yeah that’s the point. um. idinno. thanks everyone. yeah but the pain of not having enough pain is still. well

the pain of not having enough pain is still pain - kevin corrigan. the actor.

hit me with your best shot.

Broken people are some of the most human people you will ever meet. some of the most real. i don’t want monet i want frida. not. like that.

Last updated June 12, 2019