background in just testing

I'm new here and I never really gave any background to my upbringing - or Will's - that might shed some light on this baby thing.

My mom was married young, had 2 kids by a man who was not of her race. Her family didn't approve but didn't hold it against me and my sister. But I have a feeling they treated my mom pretty rough. Esp when my bio father wasn't acting too much like a father and my parents eventually divorced when me and my sister were very young. I think the whole family was basically like 'I told you so'.

My father gave up his rights and never gave child support. So maybe he was a man, like my now husband Will, who never really wanted or cared for kids, I dunno. My mom never said she had a real desire for a baby, it's just - after you're married you stop using protection and try for a baby - and me and my sister came along. I dunno that she ever had a real desire to be a mom but she was a good mom just the same.

She was a single mom, so it was rough for her. She worked nights and my grandmother would watch us during the day but my grandmother died when I was 8 and then me and my sis had to go into after school programs, and summer camps, etc. It wasn't bad. She's a secretary in a very large company so now she gets a very good pay. She remarried when I was 15 and the duel income moved us into a 3 bedroom house in NJ in a nice area.

I always wanted to be a mommy. When I was younger I wanted like 3 sets of twins. Never thinking about the cost of kids - just thought it'd be fun to be a mommy and love kids and get love back and even when I was young myself I thought younger kids were cute and fun.

I just assumed I would grown up, get married, get a house, have kids, etc. The way it works on TV - or the way it use to work on TV in the 80's in shows like The Cosby show, etc.

When I got to college I drastically cut my family down to 2 kids. By 18 I had more of a realistic idea of how hard kids are but I still thought eventually I'd get married, get a house, had 2 kids - a boy and girl if possible, and just live a normal life. Not really knowing how much a house costs, etc.

I also never knew what 'career' I was gonna get to fund this idea I had for my life. I was a C student through high school, college and graduate school. They only reason I even went to school so long is because I didn't know what 'real' job I wanted. In college I started with a criminal justice degree and took the LSAT's twice thinking maybe I could be a lawyer but I didn't get good scores. So then I switched to Sociology - mainly because I did well in the classes, I'm interested in people and culture but when I graduated I didn't want to be a sociologist out in the field or teach sociology in a school.

After some 'time off' I thought maybe since I like people and culture I could go into advertising and know people well enough to sell them products. But I failed statistics - a requirement of a marketing major - twice so I changed my major to communications simply because it was the major where most of my classes would switch over into.

I got my MA in communications but I still don't know what I want to do with that.

During school I've basically been a secretary in various offices most of my life. I know computers [word, PP, excel], I know organizing and filing, I'm good with people over the phone and in person and I'm naturally helpful and calm so office work is just where I've been forever.

Fast forward to meeting Will at 28 - A LOT later in life than I THOUGHT I would meet the man I would marry. Will told me from the door he wasn't interested in kids. I also told him I was. As things got more serious and he hinted at an engagement I told him - this kid thing is a big issue. I will want to have kids eventually and I could not marry a man who wasn't open to that.

It wasn't an ultimatum - it was a discussion. I wanted him to think about what he was agreeing to with marrying me. I wasn't threatening to break up with him but ... I wasn't agreeing to marry him either.

After some time he did propose and he basically said his love for me outweighed his fear of being a father and so he wouldn't deny me the chance to be a mother and he would be the best father he could be and he did hope that over time, maybe by seeing his own child in real life, that he would grow to love being a father to his child - or children. But he was doing this all because he wanted to be with me. All he really wanted was me and if I came as a package deal with kids then he would deal with that to stay with me.

Will has a temper and he's always thought that his quick and sometimes irrational temper would make any baby he had hate him over time. And he has no real desire to be a father so he thought that a baby would sense the fact that he didn't really have a 'daddy' gene and that his own baby would dislike him.

He also had a poor-ish upbringing himself. He had his 2 parents [they are still together now] but they worked very hard long hours to give what they could to him and his sister. He's seen his parents struggle to take care of them. His parents were different than mine, they always wanted kids and would have had at least 3 but it wasn't in the cards and they ended up with just 2.

His sister got pregnant at 30. She wasn't married but was in a committed relationship with a man - or so she thought. They had planned to get pregnant but then during her pregnancy he started cheating on her. She didn't find out till her baby was about 3 months old and kicked him out, etc. and he's become the typical deadbeat dad that doesn't even get his kid a birthday present.

His sister made the mistake of relying on credit cards to give her son everything he wanted. I swear he has every video game and video game console every made and almost any toy he can point to in a toy store. For being broke, she has certainly spoiled him and she says it's out of the guilt that she picked a bad father for him. A father that constantly disappoints him and so she buys him things to keep him happy and distracted.

She is currently going through the process of bankruptcy. Her job is cutting her hours because business is bad and her private school costs are only going up. The father doesn't help out at all and her parents are now in their 60's and both on disability for various ailments. They don't have and financial help to offer her. She simply doesn't have the money to pay her bills.

Will has watched his sister STRUGGLE hard to make a good life for her son. She lives in a bad area so she put her kid in private school so he wouldn't be in the ghetto public school Her kid has ADHD and so she put him in karate classes to expend his energy. That has also, unfortunately, jaded his view of kids. He's a great uncle to her son and gives her $$ when he has it to make birthday's special and just to keep her afloat. He's a father figure - along with his own father - to his sisters kid. I know Will could be a good father, even if Will doesn't see it in himself.

He grew up poor in a bad neighborhood watching his family struggle due to kids. He never wants to live that way. He want's to be 'comfortable'. Financial worried seriously make him lose his mind. He has nightmares over it. His temper comes out and he flips out when he feels financially unstable. He never has a balance on his credit card. He's good with saving his money - yet splurging when he feels somethings worth it. He's also very independent - maybe also immature - cause he likes to do what he wants, when he wants - he doesn't like time constrictions and appointments. He has a hard to making it on time to things - unless it's job related and he doesn't like to be rushed.

And that's not a bad way to be! I mean financially anyway, I'm always punctual.

I don't want to struggle either. I assume that unless you're a celebrity [or some other rich profession] that children usually involve a bit of financial struggle and they do take up time and change your life but most people who HAVE kids say it's worth it. You're happy to spend your money on your kids and you're happy to spend your weekends doing what they want to do to make them happy.

But there's a difference between struggling and just being flat out financially irresponsible. When I was a teenager dreaming of being married with kids and owning a home, I didn't count on not being married till 32. I didn't on the economy's down turn and being laid off, depending on my credit card for the basics and no one offering the kind of pay I would need to do those kinds of things. I didn't count on falling in love with a man who didn't share my views on having kids.

Right now I make $12 an hour and live in a 1 bedroom apartment. It's good enough for us - and maybe even good enough for a small child but eventually a child is going to need it's own bedroom and we don't see moving in our future because we can't afford more than what we pay right now.

We can't afford child care and there's no one to watch our child - if we were to have one. Will['s mother has been - since the beginning of our relationship - wanted us to be married and give her grandchildren. She very much believes children are a blessing from God and it doesn't matter if you don't have the money - some how things will work out.

Her own daughter is currently living at home with them and in bankruptcy.

His family is home and could watch the kid but they live 40 mins away. I start work at 7:30. I would have to drive to them and back, hit tolls, to bring my baby to them before work and then pick it up after. That's a lot of gas everyday.

Also his parents are both disabled. His father has ... I forget the name of the disease - but the skin on his hands have tightened to the point it's hard to bend his fingers. That's why he doesn't work. His mother has diabetes and complications from it. She is also over weight and has leg and back pain. She's home all day and could watch a kid but she's tired and in pain and though her love for our [nonexistent] grandchild would fuel her, it would be hard for her to watch a toddler. She actually does it now, she watches a cousin's baby who is now 1.5 - her and her husband - and they love that baby but they do complain about how tired they are.

It's been recently discovered that his mom has sleep apnea, heart problems and kidney problems! I want her to last forever, she's a wonderful, loving lady - but her health is failing. I don't know that even if I could afford the gas everyday that I can count on her to be around much longer.

My parents are of no help. My mom says - seriously - that babies take your money, your health and your youth and you shouldn't have kids.

This may be understandable because of how she had to raise kids - struggling and alone, broke and tired, worried and guilty. She was always afraid that maybe someone would touch us or kidnap us out of the after school programs or summer camps. Sometimes we would be sick or just grouchy and not want to go to school or camp but she had to force us to go because her parents were dead and our father was gone and there was no one to watch us otherwise and we were too young to stay at home alone.

My mom has raised her kids and now does weekend trip to cape may, she likes to paint to renovate her house. She likes to hike and to eat out. She doesn't want to watch a baby. She would if I really needed her to but she's not gaga over being a grandmother like Will's mother is.

After marriage I had the mind frame that if I waited until everything was perfect it would never happen and so we had unprotected sex once. It didn't result in baby and I'm relieved because while waiting to see if I was pregnant or not Will's tire blew on his car, that was an unexpected expense, and I started day dreaming about that cruise that I would NEVER get to go on once I had a kid.

The threat of actually being pregnant [before I got my period] made me really think of how our lives would change if we had a baby. And I started to lean towards not wanting to have a baby and then I felt GUILTY because If I WAS pregnant it was too late to decide that I didn't want it. I agree that abortion should be an option for a woman but I personally wouldn't do it to myself. If I was pregnant from that one time of unprotected sex I would keep it and I'm sure I would cherish it and love it and it would all work out. But right now I'm actually glad I'm not pregnant.

SOOOOO that's where I'm at. I have a desire for kids but the desire is not so strong that I would throw myself into serious debt over it. I'm living paycheck to paycheck at the moment to pay off my near $7000 credit card bill. I think I can pay it off in about a year but not if I get pregnant and have to throw baby expenses into the mix!

Also I'm not comfortable telling my job that I've been at 1 MONTH that I'm pregnant. What if I have complication and have to be on bed rest and I haven't even been at the job a year? What if I had a miscarriage at work around a group of people I barely know. I'm not even off my 90 day probation - even though I think I'm doing well what if they decided not to keep me and then I'm pregnant and unemployed [again]. Will's head would explode.

I'm preparing myself for the fact that if I don't make more money, very soon, my dream of owning a home and having my 2 kids simply may not be feasible in this lifetime. But I'm not super devastated about it. Kids are great but so are renovations to your home, vacations and financial stability and spoiling a nephew who's mom is really struggling right now.

And I'm not completely throwing away having a baby. Maybe after I pay off my credit card and maybe after 1 more cruise, and maybe after a raise or 2 at work, maybe we'd be able to move to a bigger place and I'd be comfortable with having a kid. It'd be later in life but if my body can still produce a baby - why not?

Will's not completely on board with that cause he already feels too old to be chasing after a child so he's certainly not interested in having a baby near 40 but maybe if we were living more comfortably he'd feel more relaxed about it?

Time will tell, that's where I'm at right now.