Defining yourself - A Tutorial on Introspection in Life

Gawd my titles are so pretentious. I’M so pretentious when I write. Or at least that’s how I feel. Anyway! On with the show.

Now that I’ve dealt with the big history lesson it’s time to get out he magnifying glass and take a closer look.

When it comes to defining myself in a tighter scope there’s a lot that I question. I once asked my friend “Who are you?” and after their immediate shock and horror that I had forgotten them I was all like “no no, I mean really think about it, when someone asks you ‘who are you’ what do you usually say?

And the short answer is a name and maybe our job description depending on the crowd (Hi my name is Da Bartender and I’m a career amateur at this thing called life - Hi Da Bartender says the crowd)

But when I, personally, go beyond that I really look at what I want to be my first impression, what really defined my life, what defines who I am?

Do I talk about my 12 year career in culinary that amounted to nothing
“Hi I’m a burnout, I’m a statistic!”

Do I talk about my current job? My relationships? My dysfunctions or my merits? Do I pander to what’s popular and tell people what I think they want to hear?

I don’t know. I’ve been asking myself all these questions for years. The only thing I know for certain is that the one thing that currently defines me, and my life is my daughter.

Eleanor-Mackenzie. The cutest freaking baby this side of the pond. Hell, maybe even the world.

Flashback

It was my 30th birthday, I was done getting a haircut because my buddy wanted to take me out for lunch. I thought it was odd because he never really wanted to get together outside of work but I was like “hey, this guy is cool why not see if I can develop a friendship and learn something”

When I say he was “cool” I mean he was what kept me alive and sane during the hardest days in the kitchen. He was the FoH Manager on nights when I was the BoH manager, We were a team but he was the boss. So when he said he had to stop by work and get something real quick I was like “okay that’s cool” but we went to the bar first to get a drink and on my way up to the bar I saw my Step-father and was like “Weird what’s he doing here? Hey! Step-dad!, the hell are you doing here?” I asked cluelessly as I came around the corner to about 20 people shouting “surprise!” A sweet idea by my then gf Rebecca but also, as someone with social anxiety it was terrifying, I don’t think I stopped shaking but it sure helped me get blackout drunk that day!

Regardless, on that day, my Nana pulled me aside and got a picture with me and said during the picture “Now that’s unconditional love right there, look at those smiles” and I felt so bad because at that time the only thing I was thinking was “Oh gawd this is awkward, okay smilllle” and she took that picture and cut it out so that it was only us. That was the last time I saw her in good health. She was later diagnosed with ovarian cancer and it was down hill from there. She took that picture with her to the hospice and it was on her bedside table when she died. I saw her the day before she died and everyone else had brought in pictures of themselves and put them on that table and blocked off our picture. I knew that would have pissed her off so when everyone left I took everyone’s picture and put it behind mine. The one she called “unconditional love” and all I wanted to do was get away… Excuse me while I go cry now, and by cry now I mean push all my emotions down so that my wife doesn’t see me be emotional because I’m a stubborn dummy.

Anyway. I have a daughter! I named her after my Nana and I know now what she meant by unconditional love. It wasn’t an easy lesson to learn but not all lessons are, and we never stop learning them.

It’s… daunting. Not being a father, I’m a natural and our baby is super chill. I think I’m the first parent ever to refer to Pat leave as “Free time” What’s daunting is the unconditional love. See, despite my checkered past in relationships, I wasn’t shown a lot of love by my parent so in turn I never really knew how to express love. I learned what love meant from 90’s pop culture which is really what created the Nice Guy(tm) so to have a daughter whom I love unconditionally is fucking terrifying. This little ball of flesh and spit is my world! and she can’t even wipe her own butt! (it’s so cute it jiggles just like her little face cheeks, she’s like a bowl full of jelly with big blue eyes, and spit. Lots of spit)

So while I’ve repressed/denied even having emotions for the better part of my existence I’ve suddenly encountered something that is bringing forth emotions just by looking at me and smiling, not even without talking. It’s so… primitive, it’s really quite stunning. But scary. All my trust issues, emotional issues, all my issues mean nothing to this baby. This fragile, hopeless baby that now defines my existence, that defines me.

Hi! I’m Da Bartender and I’m a new father, and I wouldn’t change it for the world.

Feeling: Introspective 🤔
Listening: Nothing! My dang headphones died!💢