An update, finally! and it is not good in In the Kingdom of Suzu

Have been meaning to update for awhile just couldn’t seem to do it and the s**t hit the fan last night so guess I needed to talk it out.

First tho, had my other knee replaced in November and all is well in that department.

Second, had a vaginal bleeding issue in January which was caused my fibroid tumor but all came back good in that area as well.

Now for the bad and I will try and condense.

Things with Jeff had been so so altho I had found at thanksgiving that he had rented an apartment in her town because he felt he wanted to run away but didn’t know how to tell me and wanted to help with my knee recovery. He ended up not moving out and said his guilt and depression made him do dumb things. We had gone to Gettysburg in October and while he was apprehensive about going, it went much better than he thought it would and it was a nice trip. Yeah, he rented the apartment 10 days after we came back from Gettysburg.

Anyway, things were so so, he was looking into subletting the apartment and then New Year’s Day I had gone out and when I came back he had left me a note. It said in part that the guilt was driving him crazy, he needed some alone time, he loved me and we would get thru this somehow. I was, of course devastated. he showed up two days later and he was like a changed person. He said he left in part because he was having feelings of harming me and he didn’t want to do that. He again said it would just be for a few weeks. We would message every night and he would always add hearts, I love yours, etc. to her messages, we would have lunch most days, he was affectionateand we still were going to counseling. Weeks were turning into months and I needed a date—he gave a date and came back that day but it did not go well and it was like we were right back to square one althomwe had some really nice times and days but something felt off. This past week I felt that he was going into another depression. He still wouldn’t consider taking any medication and our counselor was getting really frustrated that Jeff was doing nothing in regards to any suggestions and help.

Well, last night I came home from work and Jeff was waiting for me with a serious look on his face. He said there was an elephant in the room, it was him and he was moving back to the apartment because he didn’t like himself andneeded to get his head straight. I was ready to agree that maybe he needed to do that but then I asked if she was a part of it and he said yes. He never really stopped seeing her. There were a couple of weeks or months were he didn’t contact her but he never stopped. Even after that changed man act injanuary with me, he went and saw her a few days later. He admitted that he is a liar, cheat, scoundrel and all the things he never thought he was capable of. He admitted that he never gave us a chance. He had packed up his stuff while I was at work and after he left (this all took place in our sunroom)
I saw that he also took all his cds, albums, and even pictures on the wall of old family members (that particularly hurts).

Our counselor was floored because he did not think Jeff was a liar. So the whole past year and a half was a waste of time and money. I don’t know if I can survive this.